Tork Blog

Finally, a candidate I can endorse.

2012-01-31T16:30:00.000-05:00

Go SMOD!

The Pro Bowl

2012-01-29T21:02:00.000-05:00

If Cam Newton's OK with it, than so am I.

Twenty Year Anniversary

2012-01-26T13:47:00.001-05:00

Twenty years since our last Super Bowl appearance. Heck, twenty years since our last conference championship appearance. We've only been the playoffs four times since, and three of those trips ended in the divisional round. We have one division title since then, and none since realignment.

Oh well, back to a Patriots/Giants rematch. (Still better than a Harbaugh Bowl.)

99 Red Balloons

2012-01-24T15:41:00.000-05:00

Floating in the summer sky
If one of those balloons happen to pop
98 Red Balloons go by

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!!!!!

2012-01-22T18:36:00.005-05:00

Ravens lose the AFC Championship Game!

Manos the HD of Fate

2012-01-20T23:05:00.003-05:00

Manos on Blu-Ray? Yes, please.

I could do that.

2012-01-20T23:04:00.000-05:00

But I'd probably die.

I'm talking about a contest by FOX to watch 86+ straight hours of The Simpsons. I could do it if I wasn't worried of my heart exploding on me.

To view the contest I was looking through the latest version of The Simpsons website. Do you remember what it was like during 2000? FOX had just released some episodes on VHS (FRIGGEN EXPENSIVE, TOO! Not that I'm bitter.) and dubbed the tenth year of the show as fandemonium or something. I think there was a donut on the front page or something. It had a forum, but oh boy was I not going to join that. Phew.

Anyway, it has a few episodes from the current season, which is cool, but should I point out that South Park, for example, hosts all their episodes on their website? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, does this sound like the actions of a website for a fan whose had ALL he could watch? (That made sense in my head.)

I was looking through its character section. The short paragraphs for each character are accurate for the first few seasons. Which goes to show what happens when your series lasts 25 years. (Please, let me see the series finale.) And Martin Prince is NOT that important a character. Non-fans would be confused by that section.

This post is over. Go home.

Frank Conniff is a dick.

2012-01-19T15:08:00.000-05:00

Or "You Should Never Retweet Your Hero." Or "Tork Blog becomes what it hoped never to be."

Get it, meet? Retweet?

Anyway, I wouldn't do this except that this kind of thing is completely out of line.

Firstly, Frank is trying to make a connection between gun control today and an assassination that happened almost fifty years ago.

Second, he's trying to make it look like the Republicans are having this debate JUST TO SPITE MLK Jr, civil rights, and so forth! Yeah, how dare Republicans support Republican ideas.

So, if we had the type of gun control that Democrats want back in the sixties, would the assassination ever happen? It'd be nice if Frank had the guts to say so. Are Republicans supporting gun rights just because they're a bunch of racists who want to shoot up blacks? Again, it'd be nice if Frank had the guts to say so. That way he could use evidence to support his positions and we could have an actual debate. Heck, show us proof that this debate was scheduled on purpose just to rally the, shall we say, Ron Paul voters.

Frank is using innuendo and sophistry to paint Republicans as evil gun-crazy racists. Democrats had their Blue Dogs in 2006 & 2008 just because they were getting their butts kick on the gun issue. Charlton Heston marched for Civil Rights and despite that Michael Moore accused him of racism just because he was famously a NRA spokesman. Franky (har har), I think Frank's a coward.

This is the reason why I hate when partisan politics mix with comedians. I know people rag on Leno for generic "how about them Congress!" jokes, but at least with that there's a sense of the grown up taking time out for a little humor. A generic CONGRESS! joke isn't meant to mislead*; It actually brings the crowd together, even if they have different reasons to be upset at congress. (Not LEFT enough! Not RIGHT enough! Too this, too that! Too useless, too effective! Ignoring my group, ignoring my issue...) It may be a safe joke, but partisan comedians tell safe jokes too. They just have a different, more niche audience. They get off to offending people outside the audience, but they rarely challenge their audience no matter what they claim.

If comedians want to participate in politics, fine, but they shouldn't be allowed to get away with the Jon Stewart defense: It's OK for me to be disingenuous, because I'm just a comedian! Misleading, lying, using ad hominems and straw men arguments... no, that's something that THE OTHER does. I'm just a humble but concerned comedian!

Why make exceptions for comedians**? Oh, so they can launch cowardly attacks while their victims can't fight back. We used to call that bullying on the playground.

I know a lot of former MST3k staff members generally share Frank's political views but so far only Frank seems to be a TRUE BELIEVER I can't tell if he honestly believes in The Cause or if he's cynically misleading like-minded people for his benefit.

* - Well, a comedian can intentionally mislead if he's against a certain type of Congress led by a particular party. Still, congress is made up of 500+ people and it's much harder to propagandize than an individual.

** - I feel that you can judge people by the exceptions they make. It's easy to posture.

About SOPA

2012-01-18T12:48:00.000-05:00

As someone who opposed PPACA, let me just say: You SOPA opponents are all a bunch of racists and you deserve to be physically harmed for opposing such an awesome law.

There, see how you like it.

Also, what if wiki shut down and nobody cared?

God help me.

2012-01-17T23:00:00.000-05:00

I'm going to buy three iRiffs tonight. Boy, does funemployment give you a lot of free time.

I hope Weird Al fans are as funny as he is.

About that guy whose last name rhymes with "eeee o"

2012-01-16T00:51:00.000-05:00

Christianity will survive him (and his team, remember?) losing on Saturday. It's just football.

My biggest fear about the whole thing was that people were just building him up. Well, he's a person. People fail. And the last thing Christians should do is bet their faith on the outcome of a sports game.

This whole thing just morphed into identity politics. "So-and-so shares my beliefs, and if so-and-so triumphs, that validates me!" Well one thing I've learned about human nature is that people who become disillusion about their beliefs don't seek more moderate beliefs. They will seek the opposition. I flipped through ESPN and they showed some kid talking about how that guy inspired him. I just cringed at the idea of the kid losing faith when he realized that that guy can't throw a football properly.

That guy is most likely a great role model, but he's a crummy quarterback. We need less cults of personalities, and Christianity already has a Messiah.

Another problem with the whole thing is the pop-song effect. Yeah, not everybody likes that new song you like. It may be fresh to you, but someone else could already be sick of it.

On the other side of the issue: "LOL, people who take their faith seriously! What a bunch of mooks!"

You know, we pick our enemies. That's your enemy, huh?

Dear NFL,

2012-01-14T21:22:00.000-05:00

Please don't give us a Harbaugh Super Bowl. Not interested in that.

Dear Saints,

2012-01-13T21:36:00.001-05:00

Please beat the 49ers this week so we can have a shoot-out NFC Championship game, followed by a shoot-out Super Bowl with the Patriots.

If not, I hope we get a Texans/49ers Super Bowl. .... BWAHAHAHA!!!! Alex Smith in a Super Bowl? HAW!

I just realized

2012-01-07T12:47:00.000-05:00

that my first post of not-2012 was about a kinda gross product.

Boy, am I off to a good start. Is it 2013 yet? (Of course it is! Wheee!)

Tork Blog Person of the Year for 2011

2012-01-06T22:18:00.000-05:00

And the winner is.....Tad Tadlock!

Congratulations!

Runner up: Ed Boon, for Mortal Kombat 9, a game that almost makes me want to squeal like a fan girl.

They'll Never Stop the Simpsons

2012-01-06T22:10:00.002-05:00

I honestly haven't been watching the Simpsons that much since the season after they released the movie. I did watch a couple episodes this year. (This being the show's twenty-third year. Yeesh, haven't you made enough money off non-enviromentally friendy action figures, Matt?) The last episode, Holidays of Future Passed, would actually make a decent Series Finale. (Poor Lisa, though. Nobody deserves Milhouse.)

So anyway, the next episode is called Politically Inept, With Homer Simpson. Hurray, I haven't cringed this hard at a premise since season 16 where they were making fun of the Janet Jackson Super Bowl thing.

Remember when there was this guy who had a show, and one day he said something really controversial. And by controversial, I mean ----ing stupid. And now he plays off his edginess by going on his HBO show and telling people what they want to hear? ("Those people we don't like are totally dumb!") Thanks for reminding us about that troll, jerks.

Actually, now that I think of it, it'd be a better episode if it took shots at political comedians than at dumb cable news op-ed shows. A Jon Stewart is probably worth 10 Keith Olbermanns (before he flamed out.) So yeah, that Bill O'Reilly is a bit of a blowhard, huh? That Glen Beck sure is crazy, huh? Anyway, Homer's show gets popular and he becomes the spokesman of the Gravy Movement....Ugh. Let's just call this episode Sideshow Bob Roberts mixed with the Homer half of Today I am a Clown and move on.

After that is The D'oh-cial Network. Way to keep up with the times, Simpsons' staff! Admittedly I just got into twitter ~~this~~ last year, but I'm hoping Facebook is just a fad. Warning: Lisa episode. Also Patty and Selma do a thing?

The following episode is Moe Goes From Rags To Riches. Hey, Moe is a good character. I assume. They haven't ruined him, have they? Jeremy's Iron guess stars as a dish rag that takes Moe through time. And, I don't know, maybe they have a crazy wedding where do do do do do... I guess they're still working on this episode.

The five hundredths episode of the show is At Long Last Leave. Hey, Simpsons' writers? These "Haw, we've been on the air for too long!" jokes were cute back in the eighth season. Now? Yeah, we're not laughing with you. In fact, you know how for years we kind of laughed with you when you took shots at FOX and Rupert Murdock? Now some of us are old enough to realize that he gets rich off the show either way.

Oh, and they're going to have a Lady Gaga episode. Super.

Oh well, I'll at least watch the latter two episodes.

Oh wait, did they ever reveal what happened to Ned and Edna? That episode wasn't bad, if you ignore the dumb final 30 second cliffhanger thing. I guess I should have watched the episodes when they popped up on Hulu. Then again, I should be able to give only as much effort as the show gives.

Holy crap!

2012-01-05T14:07:00.000-05:00

Pizza Prints!

It's like eating your favorite team. (Warning, loud ad plays without your permission.)

Move over Papa Johns*. Move over Little Caesar**. I'm getting me some Pizza Prints.

* - The Official Pizza of the Washington Redskins!

** - The Official Pizza of the 110 household.

At the risk of sounding crazy

2011-12-31T15:32:00.000-05:00

This blogger is going to pretend that it's already 2013.

Yep, good ol' '13. Good to get that awful 2012 out of the way.

My Bold Prediction for Next Year

2011-12-27T12:59:00.008-05:00

Don't Be Evol.

It won't be the end of the world. But it'll make us wish it was.

Well, crap then.

2011-12-22T23:25:00.002-05:00

Dan Orlovsky* may have cost the Colts Andrew Luck.

Huh.

Well, I think we all know what this means.

Dan Orlovsky with Rex Grossman as a backup. I'm already prepared for it.

* And the refs.

Teen Idols

2011-12-20T12:23:00.002-05:00

I was poking through a website that had a collection of pictures from the ultra-trashy Maury Povich show. One of the episodes apparently had a teen girl who stated that her idol was Snooki.

Yeesh. When I was a teen my idols were 90s Jim Carrey and David Crane.

Edit: Also, every reaction shot from the crowd has people looking shocked. Umm, how many different types of "let's take a paternity test" can there be? I have got to see this movie someday.

Tonight, the lights are off in North Korea

2011-12-18T22:23:00.000-05:00

Oh wait, that's how it was all the time under Kim Il-Jong. My mistake!

Tork Blog Athlete of the Day!

2011-12-18T22:07:00.001-05:00

Congrats, Dan, on getting a win! You're not an idiot. You could play on my team any week!

(Except the Redskins when they've long eliminated themselves from the bottom five draft picks.)

You have one more win under your belt than John Beck. And if you win another game, you'll tie the legendary Chris Weinke.

Finally, a board game for me.

2011-12-14T18:17:00.000-05:00

C-jump

Oh, Think Geek! Just when I think you're a collection of horrible Internet memes, you do something like this and almost redeem yourself.

Eh, who am I kidding. I know I'll end up getting ~~this~~ a Cannoo.

This weekend.

2011-12-14T11:46:00.005-05:00

I have yet to see this movie, though I read about it at Agony Booth. Supposedly the gang is going to read actual letters sent to Rifftrax HQ, so it should be fun.

Hope to see you there. Whichever day I show up.

Just to pile on the Capitals...

2011-11-30T22:18:00.001-05:00

How the hell did he miss?!?! This is the worst moment of my sports watching career. I'm going to die before seeing the Caps get back to the semi-finals let alone finals.

The worst part is we probably would have only lost the Stanley Cup Finals four games to one instead of four games to zero. Still, EFFF this game.

Poor Bruce

2011-11-28T11:20:00.000-05:00

Maybe you were just the Marty Schottenheimer of the NHL: You're great one part of the season, but you fold quickly when it really matters. But the important thing is, while the team fired you today, I fired you a long time ago!

Tork's Blog welcomes cheap shot artist Dale Hunter as the Caps new head coach. At least he knew what it was like to get to the semi-finals round (twice) and beyond (once).

Hey, about that Stats feature?

2011-11-20T21:14:00.000-05:00

Interesting...wait, what was "For no good reason..."?

Ah, cheesecake. But why would this be the biggest post entry of lately?

.......

OH, YUCK! Nobody touch this blog. You might get hepatitis.

This is the worst week of my life. The worst.

Money's too tight for steak.

2011-11-17T12:54:00.001-05:00

Sorry, just learned today that things are going to have to change around here.

#1 - We're going back to the old title. Except I can't afford apostrophes anymore.

#2 - Co-contributers are going to have to write for free. I don't get a paycheck, neither do you.

#3 - No more Simpsons references. Those royalty checks are expensive, man, and you know how much it costs to make a 25 year old show go on. For now on, original jokes.

#4 - Do you like advertisements? I sure hope someone does! (Brought to you by Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.)

#4b I didn't get any money from Kraft, but I hope if I do that often enough someone will give me money.

#5 I apologize if I sound any more bitter than the past year in future posts. I hope to continue making content that has nothing to do about personal life crap that no one cares about.

#6 I should go straight to heaven for not punching the guy who invented the word "funemployment" in the face.

Boy, look at the time.

2011-11-16T17:48:00.003-05:00

I sure have produced a lot of great content, haven't I?

A Scary Story

2011-11-01T18:52:00.000-04:00

Ok, on Sunday I was cleaning my room when I found an envelope. It was one from my credit union. So, I opened thinking that it was yet another thing asking me to buy some insurance. But instead, it was a new ATM card! My previous credit union ATM card had expired three months ago and I wasn't even aware!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Luckily, I didn't have to activate it or anything. It was good to go. But let this be a warning to you!

Back to the Future....4!

2011-10-24T17:22:00.000-04:00

I remember long ago when the Internet was young...well not that young, but 1999-2002 was a long time ago, right? Anyway, there was a Back to the Future 4 website, with a picture hinting at Doc Brown and Clara having a new adventure. Well, it obviously never happened. Probably for the best, since it's really Michael J. Fox's series, and he was already suffering from Parkinson's Disease. The only chance at new Back to the Future adventures was the animated series, which I think is still not available.

But it was not over for the series. Telltale Games, which is the Lucas Arts of its time, has made several series of episodic click and pick adventure games. 20 bucks for this Wii title. I'd love to own a Back to the Future game that doesn't suck. (Still bitter, NES version. And I only rented you.)

Oh, and I still want a hoverboard.

The Washington Wizards Basketball Team

2011-10-22T21:47:00.000-04:00

Oh yeah, people realized that basketball has sucked since Jordan left so they cancelled the season. Haw!

The Washington Redskins Football Team

2011-10-22T21:46:00.000-04:00

Just get it over with and hire Rypien's daughter to QB your team.

(By the way, how does this league even work? I can only imagine the fans showing up to the games wearing trenchcoats.)

The Washington Capitals Hockey Team

2011-10-22T21:40:00.000-04:00

Please don't do this. Please, please don't.

Please don't get the top seed for the third straight year, before failing to make your own conference finals. Don't. Either be a legit team or just fail now. I can't take another punch in the stomach by you guys.

Kiss...Marty Schottenheimer's...Ring

2011-10-21T23:24:00.001-04:00

Marty Schottenheimer finally won a championship game in a pro football league. Oh sure, the UFL may not be the NFL, and it may have just cut its season from 6 games to 4, and it's in millions of dollars of debt...

The important thing is that the Virginia Destroyers are the UFL champs, and Marty has a ring. (This league does give rings, right?)

Marty got a ring before Snyder or the Chargers. Haw!

Exclusive photo*: Tork's blog contributor pesters major celebrity about doing a parody of "Mistyboy's an Idiot"

2011-10-17T16:09:00.006-04:00

*exclusive except for everywhere else I've posted it

So, this is a thing

2011-10-15T15:53:00.001-04:00

Huh. On the plus side, they released all the Columbia shorts on DVD. And no Sean Penn.

Edit: I think I have my fat comedians mixed up. Disregard previous thing here.

2011-10-15T08:46:00.000-04:00

6...

5...

4...

3...

2...

1....

I'm alive! Now let's never talk about these last few posts again.

2011-10-14T13:43:00.000-04:00

12...

11...

Homer went blind. I think I lost all my senses.

10...

2011-10-14T06:41:00.000-04:00

25...

Breathing...is...terrible...all...I...wanted...to...do...was...poke...fun...at...some...dumb...people...

24....

2011-10-13T21:40:00.000-04:00

31...

I'm out of aspirin! I'm out of gatdamn aspirin!

30...

29...

2011-10-13T15:36:00.000-04:00

41...

Think of what I could have done with the money I didn't earn from work today! Someone please stop me!

40...

39...

2011-10-13T14:34:00.000-04:00

44...

My arm. My arm. Myarm!

43...

42...

2011-10-13T06:00:00.000-04:00

67...

66...

I. I have to go to work. But I can't stop what I started...

65...

2011-10-13T03:28:00.000-04:00

76...

My chest. This is awful.

75...

74...

2011-10-12T23:27:00.001-04:00

85...

I don't feel too good...

84...

83...

2011-10-12T22:25:00.003-04:00

92...

91...

90...

I am the 99

2011-10-12T21:24:00.000-04:00

slices of American cheese eater!

99...

98...

97...

Concerning one Hank Williams, Jr.

2011-10-06T17:58:00.000-04:00

Dummy.

And no, one's free speech doesn't trump another's free speech or freedom to associate.

So what have we learned?

Never share your political opinions. Because it'll always turn out to be dumb. In fact, if you feel the compulsion to share your political opinions with others, you're most likely really immature.

What I've been up to lately.

2011-10-05T21:28:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about the future. Now, contrary to what those of you who love and adore me may think, I won't live forever. So I'm doing what anybody in my position would do: I'm giving my money to talented people who may actually do something.

In this case, I've made pledges to three different kickstarter projects. Kickstarter makes me nervous because I'm worried I'll give money to a scam artist, but for now I think I made some good choices. The above clip is a promo to three different documentaries. The man has already made a documentary about text adventure games and an old Internet bulletin board system, and I got a coin for contributing the former. (Haven't seen the latter.) I've pledged enough to the current project that I'll receive a credit in all three proposed documentaries. How about that? I may get an entry in the Internet Movie Database.*

* - Nah. I'll just have my name listed among a sea of others at the end of each documentary. Still cool, though.

Another project I contribute a little cash too is a Video Game Museum to be opened in Las Vegas. One of the rewards for pledging is a ticket to go once it's open. I really hope to go next year. We'll see.

The last is a short movie called Troll Bridge. It's about a really old Conan the Barbarian type fighting against rock creatures. Really crossing my fingers on this one.

I won't pretend that I'm some kind of philanthropist since I get something back if the projects go through and I get refunded if the projects don't. Still, I like what I've seen so far, and hopefully there will be more good projects in the future.

The Tork is going to Vegas!

2011-10-03T17:27:00.000-04:00

So pack his bags and tell the waitresses I'm looking for a wife!

(Next year.)

A Typical Broadcast Day At The Simpsons Channel

2011-09-15T19:51:00.003-04:00

There's a rumor that there could someday be a Simpsons channel. I've taken the liberty of programming the channel to save time for those involved:

The first 9 hours will be pretty good. Hours 10-14 will be wildly inconsistent. The next 5 hours will be absolutely dreadful, and the day will finish with the rest of the programming aiming for mediocrity because that's the best they can do.

Oh...and hour 13 is nothing but a National Geographic documentary featuring clips of a man repeatedly getting raped by a panda.

New Name

2011-09-12T16:48:00.000-04:00

Fun fact: Women ovulate whenever I hit the "publish post" button.

That wasn't an earthquake you felt down there

2011-08-23T15:48:00.001-04:00

Albert Haynesworth started practicing again.

One good turn deserves another

2011-08-21T00:06:00.003-04:00

It's still T-Dog day in Blogger land, so...Happy BirthdAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!

To Mickey

2011-08-19T18:45:00.000-04:00

Tork's Blog is on hiatus.

2011-08-14T09:51:00.000-04:00

For a number of reasons. I haven't been posting much anyway and I'm worried about quite a few things lately.

I'll be back in the future but I don't know when.

I survived a bat attack.

2011-08-10T21:32:00.000-04:00

And I have to say, I was a total chicken about it.

No, wait... I was suppose to make it sound like I was cool about it. Let me junk this post...

Tork takes another small step into the 21st Century.

2011-08-08T21:41:00.000-04:00

Today I bought a new television. It's HDTV! It's a 32"er.

The Wii looks great on it, and that's just a SD console. Can't wait to see what the Wii U (or 360 or PS3) looks like on it. Right now I can only seem to get 480i channels on it but I'll figure that out how to get 720p before football season starts.

All my contributors are invited to see it!

Gamera is really neat.

2011-08-05T17:37:00.000-04:00

Sorry, I haven't been motivated to do much recently. I've been really exhausted lately. Here's a picture of the Gamera MST3k DVD set that was just released this week. Right now it's forty dollars at Amazon.

Huh?

2011-07-27T07:48:00.001-04:00

You know how when something gets revived, there's always someone who complains about how they ruined old thing with new thing? That's going to be me if this movie gets made.

Why a movie? Why not try to make a 16 minute short and see if your guys have the chemistry the Stooges did? You have to remember that they developed their act on vaudeville during the 20s, even skipping out on radio like most other comedians of the time. And I have yet to see a single impersonator get Curly right. They shave their heads, talk at a high pitch, and act like a child but they never quite get it.

At least Sony finally released all the shorts on those eight DVD sets.

No fair!

2011-07-27T07:35:00.000-04:00

You can't bring the NFL back! What about us Redskins fans? You think we want to watch THAT?!? And it looks like we'll have big competition with the Bengals for Andrew Luck. Ugh.

On the plus side, the NFL coming back will always bug the right people, so I can't hate it.

This Week In Entertainment (7/28/11)

2011-07-24T21:38:00.000-04:00

My Pick of the Week is some Pac-Man game for the 3DS. I basically want it for Pac-Man Championship Edition, but its got some other games to go along with it.

In theaters this week is Cowboys vs. Aliens. Maybe I have bad taste but I actually think I'll see this one. Eh, it has Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig, and the trailer looked interesting. I read somewhere that this movie was made after someone wrote a comic and shopped it around conventions.

You know what I was just dying to see in 3D? Not the Smurfs movie. Why? Why do they take the characters and put them in New York, or wherever? Why what's-her-face? Is she really who you want in a kids' movie? I will say that I think Hank Azaria will steal the movie as Gargamel, and the Scottish Smurf seems like a funny idea.

On one soiled Blu-Ray is The Blues Brothers. Great movie. The sequel wasn't bad but was really unnecessary.

Also on Blu-Ray is a slideshow presentation about Leonardo DaVinci. Remember to put this one out in the open so people think that you're so smart.

But Freddy's dead!

2011-07-21T18:12:00.001-04:00

After all that speculation from two days ago, the final downloadable Mortal Kombat 2011 kharacter wasn't from a previous MK game, or was it from the DC license. Nope, it comes from the Warner Bros license, since Warner Bros bought up the series after Midway went bankrupt.

Yep, Freddy. Take that, Jason!

Jealous much?

2011-07-20T10:44:00.000-04:00

Ten years ago, I couldn't even imagine this happening to me. This is my proudest day of being an MST3k fan.

Oh, by the way.

2011-07-20T08:21:00.002-04:00

I don't have a PS3 or Xbox 360, so I haven't even played the game. I just like the follow the MK story.

We'll find out tomorrow who the final character will be. I'm excited!

The Most Important Mystery Ever

2011-07-20T08:20:00.000-04:00

I'm talking, of course, about who will be the fourth and final downloadable character in Mortal Kombat 2011.

It could be lots of kombatants. Despite the fact that the silhouette looks like a normal man, it could easily be Motaro, the only Mortal Kombat 3 kharacter not in the game. However, a centaur is a bit tough to program and motion capture. I'm sure that's why they came up with a way to get rid of him in this reboot. Fans weren't exactly happy with the minotaur version of him, either.

Another option is to have one of the three bosses be playable. That would be Goro, Kintaro, and Shao Kahn. I'd pick Shao Kahn, simply because he's the final boss, the story is about stopping him, and Sheeva already serves as a playable four-armed warrior.

But those are probably the most obvious choices. Let's delve deeper into the Mortal Kombat universe. Beyond the plot of the first three games.

Quan Chi represents Mortal Kombat 4. He is in the roboot due to the fact that he's A) Popular, B) earlier retconned as the guy responsible for Mortal Kombat 3's plot. Now, a good guess for the mystery guy could be Shinnok, the big bad guy of the fourth game, but I'm betting they're holding off most MK4 kharacters until the sequel to this game. Mortal Kombat 10 will presumably be about the Netherrealm invasion.

What about beyond Mortal Kombat 4? What about Deadly Alliance, and Deception? Well, I figured they were considered the point where the story was too complex, and the reboot was meant to get rid of them, but from what I've seen, they've only reconfirmed many plot elements from latter games. Shao Kahn is still linked to the Dragon King. Liu Kang was still trained by a gross fat guy. There's still a chaotic realm. I mean, I knew they had many characters in the back ground of a few stages, but I figured those were winking in-jokes. (Remember that guy? He sucks! Hahaha, laugh at him fighting like a loser in the background!) But a lot of story bits I've seen seems to think they kept more than they threw out.

Kenshi represents Deadly Alliance. Which is weird because I can't remember his storyline, but I guess he was popular. Then again, I guess it was slim pickings with that game's new characters. My point is, that brings us to the sixth game, Deception. Which new character from that game is in MK 2011? None. So why not throw in a token character from that game? Probably none of them are any good. I would have guessed Kira, on the basis of being a woman with red hair, but Skarlet was recently created. Poor Kira, now she doesn't stand out anymore.

That leaves us with two more options. The first one is Havik. I think he's the most popular new Deception character, plus he was mentioned in one of the endings. But do we really want the Chaosrealm? I guess it's OK in a bizarro-world way, but if we have the Chaosrealm, then we have to bring back the Orderrealm, and that place is lame! The other option is, of course, SHUJINKO, the most popular Mortal Kombat kharacter OF ALL TIME! Oh wait, he's still sitting in a Seidan jail cell. Well, I guess the Order Realm has one good use.

I'm honestly rooting for young Shujinko, just to laugh at the fans if he's chosen. And he would only be chosen if the MK writers could convince themselves that, "No, he's really a good character. The fans just have to give him another chance."

Another option would be a DC comic character. It's not that likely after DC made the eighth game in the series rated T, but we could still end up with The Joker or Darkseid being decapitated or split in half. Probably not going to happen, but if it did, it would be a DC villian.

You know what I'm going to guess? It's going to be Chameleon, because Mortal Kombat could never go wrong adding more ninjas.

Screw you, Vesta!

2011-07-19T23:03:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I'm talking to you, 4 Vesta! We know where all those meteorites are coming from. Don't try to act innocent.

WHOA!

2011-07-18T20:00:00.000-04:00

There's a wiki for Lego? (Of course there is.)

Man, I know what I can finally do during a vacation.

Adventures in Twitter

2011-07-18T19:58:00.001-04:00

I found out a woman I have a crush on has a husband. Now I'm hoping she says something morally awful so I can unfollow her without looking foolish.

How was your day?

This Week In Entertainment (7/19/11)

2011-07-18T08:26:00.000-04:00

In theaters this week is the final movie of the Marvel six. It's Captain America. It takes place during World War 2 but it should set up the first Avenger movie. Kudos to Marvel for what they succeeded in doing. It's crazy making six movies (all with about $150 million budgets) to lead up to a couple more films. This is an easy Pick of the Week.

On Blu-Ray is Amelie. I've never seen this movie, but I've seen the cover many time in stores, so I assume it's about a cute French alien.

We have two DVDs about the NBA champs, the 2011 Mavericks, and the NHL Stanley Cup winner, the 2011 Bruins. (Blu-ray) I was rooting against the latter, but watching Canadians riot is pretty funny.

Tekken the movie is about... I don't know. Never played the games.

We end with The Poky Little Puppy. Man, those Little Golden Books were my childhood.

2011-07-17T07:21:00.000-04:00

Holy crap! It's about time.

2011-07-15T18:25:00.000-04:00

Three Little Spuds

Why didn't I think of this? Now I know what's going on my birthday wish list!

Wait, why wasn't this on the news?

2011-07-15T08:15:00.000-04:00

I don't care if it's from a video game. To me, this really happened.

Too bad her political enemies know her weakness: giant cages dropped from above.

Cinematic Titanic set to make more episodes.

2011-07-13T07:24:00.000-04:00

Well it's about time. I can't go to any of their live shows (although I might go to their upcoming D.C. show in October.) So I've been waiting for them to release new shows since Tiki Island. Live, not live, I'll buy either.

So today I wake up to find that they are going to film their next two episodes, "War of the Insects" and "Rattlers." I don't know anything about these films, but knowing CT they were probably made in the seventies.

As much as I miss the shadowrama, the live episodes have been higher quality, so I can't wait until November when they release the first of the two DVDs.

(Taking a quick look at their store, they have posters of their upcoming tours, and they offer cheaper copies of their earlier episodes, as long as you don't mind them a bit scratched up.)

This Week In Entertainment (7/12/11)

2011-07-10T21:43:00.002-04:00

My Pick of the Week closes out the Harry Potter saga, at least until J.K does a reboot. (Grittier! More realistic!) Here I include a picture of an Enemy Mine inspired poster. Sure, why not?

Also out in theaters this week is Winnie the Pooh. How many of the movies have they made since my childhood? I remember they had a live action show on the Disney Channel and a cartoon on ABC Saturday mornings, as well as a few movies already made. Winnie must be a huge money maker for Disney.

Phase 7 is ... I don't know, but it's given a quote by Bloody Disgusting, so here's your antidote to this week's kids movies.

On DVD we have Arthur. Did they really remake a 30 year old movie? (My entire experience with the Arthur series is scratching my head a few times at The Critic.)

Here's a collection of Buster Keaton shorts. On Blu-Ray, too! The latter are remastered and makes me wish I had Blu-Ray. Maybe I'll get a player (and HD TV) by the end of the year.

"Spirit" of Bellydancing? Don't you mean fleshiness?

Amazon also has a lot of series On Demand, or whatever their online streaming option is called. Now you can watch Teen Wolf: The Series, in high definition!

I'm confused.

2011-07-09T20:28:00.002-04:00

Bernie Mac made a movie about Derek Jeter before he died? (Bernie, not Derek. That would be odd.)

Oh hell.

2011-07-07T09:16:00.002-04:00

Tork's Blog is taking the week off. Go find entertainment and enlightenment elsewhere.

"I actually drink Diet Cola for the taste."

2011-06-30T07:07:00.000-04:00

Suckers.

The July Music Video Challenge...

2011-06-29T18:55:00.000-04:00

is dead. Sorry about that.

I'll think of something to replace it, even if it takes a month to do so!

That's nice.

2011-06-29T18:12:00.002-04:00

I'm going to show you this part of a comment. Just skim it, and try to imagine where it's from.

Ok, ready?

The friggen sports section about a game played when I was eleven.

Isn't that something?

Gee willikers.

(I can't even find the comment that sparked this one.)

You know, I have a private joke that I say in my head whenever somebody craps a load of talking points at an area where nobody was discussing politics.

"Gee, I was all ready to go all in and vote for party A, but since I read these talking points at a random place on the Internet, I've completely changed my mind!"

This Week in Entertainment (6/28/11)

2011-06-28T13:43:00.000-04:00

My Pick of the Week is Resident Evil: The Mercenaries 3D. It takes a side game from Resident Evil 4 and makes you pay forty bucks for it, but meh, I heard it looked really good.

In theaters this week is Transformers 3: Dark Side of the Moon. Bay actually apologized over the second one, do I'm sure this will be better. I have yet to see a Transformers movie, by the way. Never cared for the franchise.

Sucker Punch is the latest Hollywood flick about women kicking butt. Question: Why is Hollywood so bad at making those kind of movies? It seems like something that should just work, but they seem to end up lame.

On DVD is the complete ReBoot animated series. I've never seen it, but I'm sure Michael Bay Jr. will make a movie about it in 20 years.

On Blu-Ray is Lord of the Rings, extended versions. I hope that these movies replace the novels, which are boring. Nerds are dumb. The movies should be the ultimate canon.

Presumably like the Large Hadron Collider, only bigger.

NOW IN HIGH DEFINITION: Lord of the Dance!

Now available: the first season of Star Wars: The Clone Wars. Any enthusiasm I may have for this series (It's being written by Not-George Lucas! And it's kinda Star Wars, I guess.) is being tempered by the fact that I hate The Clone Wars. And I still don't like the animation. I'm being serious when I say it looks cheap. You can have all the flashy glowy things but the faces on the characters still look cheap.

Finally (it's about time!) you can get all three seasons of Gilligan's Island all at once. There would have been more, but Return to Gilligan's Island...yeah, let's not talk about that film. The novelty of putting that show in the Relevant 70s wears off quickly.

This I actually did.

2011-06-26T16:50:00.000-04:00

On Friday, I was at the computer and I read a fan fiction for Mortal Kombat: The Mortal Kombat reboot for not Wii owners. (I think that's the title.) But not just any fan fiction. Nooo. I read a specific fan fic which involved a teddy bear.

You see, there's this bad guy who rules a bad world named Outworld. He has two daughters, one adopted, one created by evil sorcery. The evil one learns about teddy bears from a sorcerer who originates from earth. So she makes one for an undead warrior she has a crush on.

This thing was created because of this level. It's amusing, but I'm sure it's Mortal Kombat 2011's version of "The cake is a lie!" And now I've read someone trying to get into these character's head, over a friggen bear.

What a life I live. Did you know that I once had dreams? Yeesh.

If she pulls a knife, you must kill your wife.

2011-06-23T08:03:00.000-04:00

There are rumors that OJ is going to confess to the murders in an interview with Oprah. He's got a great angle, though. Self-defense.

Uh huh.

Screw you, Oprah, for getting rich off crap like this. On that note...

Screw you, Oprah's audience, for being the inspiration for Idiocracy.

Screw you, media, for exploiting every dumb "this trial is really about race relations" angle during 1995.

Screw you, morons who see racism in everything, for being the pimple on the ass of mankind.

Screw you, FOX(?) for your attempts to give this man a sympathetic ear when he tried to sell that "If I Did It" book.

I now end this post with this youtube clip from MAD TV.

Five Friggen Hundred, Baby!

2011-06-22T21:55:00.000-04:00

Go Curly W!

This Week In Entertainment (6/21/11)

2011-06-21T08:05:00.002-04:00

My Pick of the Week is this documentary about William Castle. He was known for making horror movies in the sixties that had an audience participation gimmick. For example, the Tingler was suppose to attach itself to people's spines, so certain seats in the theater would have a mild electric shock.

Also out this week in theaters is Cars 2. You know, a sequel to Pixar's weakest. Eh, if it makes them money to make other movies, no objections here. And Cars wasn't bad. It was just mediocre as heck.

More like, Conan Obrien Can't Stop from getting cancelled! (smug smile) Note: The writer of this post made the joke before he bothered to learn about the movie.

You ever like an actor or actress a lot in one film, and then you never like them again? I liked Cameron Diaz in The Mask. Bad Teacher looks awful. Check out the terrible quotes at the bottom of the Rotten Tomatoes page.

Did you watch Finding Nemo and liked the turtle part? Well Turtle: The Incredible Journey is for you.

On DVD Steve McQueen stars in The Honeymoon Machine. Geez, my generation just calls them ---- ----.

Finally, someone tells it like it is. If only they can make more movies about every other musical genre.

The first season of the wonderfully insane Mr. T cartoon is here.

No, this isn't that play by the South Park guys. Trapped by Mormons is a 1920s film.

Besides that anti-Mormon film, there was a ton of DVDs from the 1920s. So many that I just skipped them. But here's this shorts collection.

At least that's only a bat.

I don't watch basketball, but I'm always complaining that you can't buy sports games or watch them online. So I support the fact that the NBA conference finals are available for purchase. Of course, it would be nice if they sold the games in a set. Here's game one of Bulls/Heat and game one of Mavs/Formersonics. You'll have to find the rest.

In video games, we have Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D. I know I probably come off as a Nintendo fanboy, but I'm sick of Ocarina of Time. It wasn't even the best N64 Zelda.

Movie tie-in: Cars 2 for Wii and DS. How come the DS version has online support but the Wii doesn't?

It seems bold to me to make a race game for the console that already has a Mario Kart game. Oh, they're Super Karts? That'll do.

Gummy Bears Magic Medallion. Yeah, the Wii is really starting to wind down.

Finally, I like that the icon for this game seems to be astounded by the game's goofy title. A title that includes a question mark, no less.

Rifftrax Live: Jack the Giant Killer

2011-06-21T07:51:00.000-04:00

I'm four for four at attending Rifftrax Live Shows. Let's hope I make it an even five this August.

(Yes, five isn't an even number. I like to toss in obvious mistakes to tick people off. Also to make my real mistakes look like fake ones.)

Is Futurama ripping off Tales From The Duh?

2011-06-18T13:56:00.001-04:00

There's anepisode this season called "Mobius Dick"

Finally! Maybe Bender can take down that dastardly PM!

Behave, American CFL fans.

2011-06-17T08:06:00.000-04:00

Look at their slogan. It's their league. Not yours.

Canadian Football is back!

2011-06-17T08:03:00.005-04:00

CFL preseason started this week. It's about time. I needed some football after hockey let me down again. (Oh, and I guess there was basketball or something.)

I don't really have a CFL team. I guess I'll pick a team in my time zone. I'm thinking Ottawa Roughriders when that team comes into being. I mean, it's the capital of the country, and it's new for people just jumping into the sport. But for now, I guess I'll go for the Montreal Alouettes. Dumb name, but the poor franchise was dumped by Baltimore after it stole the Browns. Stupid arrogant Baltimore.

Of course, the CFL is really just a warm up for an American football league. You know the one I'm talking about. That's right!

Go Virginia Destroyers!

Mega Man 5

2011-06-16T18:04:00.002-04:00

Nintendo releases games to the Virtual Console for the first time on a Thursday. Baby steps, Nintendo. Maybe we'll make an Xbox Live out of your online services yet.

500 Wii points.

OK, are we done yet?

2011-06-16T07:34:00.000-04:00

All four of the major Boston sports franchises have won championships in the last decade. Can we please move on? I've heard there are places like Cleveland and Buffalo that have long droughts.

Speaking personally, the Caps have wasted two straight top playoff seeds and Esa Tikkanen missing an open net still hurts. Washington hasn't won a World Series since 1924. The Redskins have won Super Bowls in my life time, but Dan Snyder. (Oh, and I guess we have a basketball team.)

But I'm not going to whine. I'm going to build a time machine and kill all the Boston writers who got rich off whining about Game 6 of the 1986 World Series.

A Correction

2011-06-15T18:22:00.001-04:00

Long time contributer, coblogger, soupeater Mickey told me that Celebrity Bowling is not a bad show, like I implied in the last post.

I apologize for finally getting something wrong in four years of keeping a blog. Hopefully this isn't a sign that I've lost it.

This Week in Entertainment (6/14/11)

2011-06-14T18:24:00.000-04:00

My Pick of the Week is the sequel to Wii Play. It's Wii Play: Motion! It's fifty dollars, and for that you get a Wii Motion Plus controller and a ten dollar game. Eh, worth it if you ask me.

Also out this week in theaters is Green Lantern. This movie didn't exactly look good, and the lack of reviews at Rotten Tomatoes isn't filling me with confidence. Look at this sneakiness:

Way to make it look like the early buzz is good, guys.

Mr Poppler's Penguin is a Jim Carrey movie. Too bad it isn't the 90s anymore.

On DVD is an all-time bad movie classic, Johnny Mnemonic, in blu-ray! Watch this film and marvel at the fact that they even dared to make The Matrix after this one.

I guess Circus of the Stars wasn't enough, so there was also Celebrity Bowling. TV in the seventies wasn't very good.

Hellraiser 7: Not a good subtitle.

On the 3DS is Cubic Ninja. I'm a sucker for graphics like these.

Stupid twitter

2011-06-13T20:50:00.000-04:00

I created my twitter thing a month ago. I've watched it get up to 6 whole followers! Now it's down to one. And I feel bad. I even gave money to the last follower too. (For good reasons, not because I'm sad and lonely, but still!)

I hate you, social media.

Question

2011-06-10T08:10:00.000-04:00

So this morning I went to ESPN to see the highlights of Game Five of the NBA finals. I clicked the front page video link, and all I got was Michael Wilbon gushing over how awesomely awesome the series has been. Not a single highlight. I've already seen the video played in four different links.

The question is: WHY THE HELL DO I STILL GO TO ESPN.com? WHY?! ESPN is everything wrong with sports and yet I keep going back to it.

Rumors of the Bruins defeat were greatly exagerated.

2011-06-09T07:39:00.000-04:00

I thought the finals were already over after the Canucks won that overtime game. Now it's a best of three series after the Bruins scored 12 goals in two games. Oh well.

Not the boldest of predictions, but whoever wins game 5 will win it all. In fact, there won't be a game 7 if the Bruins win a third straight game.

Also I guess the NBA finals are also tied 2-2. Eh, I haven't followed the sport since Jordan re-threepeated, so I guess I'm marginally hoping for the Heat to lose, even if it makes Dallas happy. Stupid basketball.

Nintendo E3 2011

2011-06-07T17:03:00.001-04:00

Looks familiar.

Hope it isn't heavy.

Oh, hecks yeah!

Those are the three best images to sum up this years Nintendo conference.

It started with a full Zelda orchestra. Why? Because Zelda Zelda Zelda, that's why! Head Nintendo dork Miyamoto got up on stage to talk about Skyward Sword for the Wii. We didn't get much new but that's OK. We got the idea last year. That game is coming out during the holiday rush. We also got news about Zelda Ocarina of Time, Zelda Link's Awakening, and free Zelda: Four Swords for Nintendo's portables, but I wanted the show to move on. I've played those games and frankly I'm starting to get ZeldaD-out. (If you're new to Zelda, I'd recommend Link's Awakening for six bucks but you'd have to buy a 3DS first.)

That was the first 20 minutes. Next up was a look at some 3DS games. The 3DS has had a slow start so it needs some games to show off. The ones shown were Mario Kart, Star Fox, Super Mario 3DS, and probably my favorite moment of the conference, Luigi's Mansion 2. That is worth a purchase of that system by itself.

Blah blah blah, talk about 3DS. I understand that they need to talk that portable up, but I think most people were itching to hear about the high definition Project Cafe.

So we got to the big moment. So it turns out that the system name is Wii U. Yep, "Wii U". Than they showed off the controller. It is a combination of a GameCube controller and a iPad. I hope they're light, because it looks awkward. It's going to be the biggest thing Nintendo has to sell to the public, because I'm sure everybody reacted skeptically to it. Anyway, they showed off how it can be used to play games without the TV on it's six inch screen. My favorite demo was the one that showed the tablet being used for golf. It's not huge, but it was a neat idea showing the golf ball while swinging a Wii remote at it. It also has a face-to-face chat feature.

After talking up the Wii U controller, we got a video of developers talking about how awesome they thought the console was. I sure hope they're not lying. Nintendo badly needs third party support. We did get some news by an Electronic Arts guy that they are going to bring Nintendo's online support into the current century. They showed a couple games, the best being Ninja Gaiden 3. They didn't show any Nintendo Wii U games, but we'll see them at E3 2012 for sure. (They mentioned Super Smash Bros for both 3DS and Wii U.)

Here's what we don't know about the Wii U after the show: Wii U specs, specifics about their online service, what games we're going to see, what the friggen price is going to be for the controller and system, whether the system will have a Mario game to launch, and so forth. But hey, we'll have a Super Mario Mii, which I was hoping for. (It better have online.)

After the show, some nerds argued that Nintendo sucked and was forcing another gimmick on the industry. Oh, nerds!

The Periodic Table welcomes two more!

2011-06-07T07:37:00.002-04:00

Flerovium (atomic number 114) and moscovium (atomic number 116), welcome to the club!

(Actually, those appear to be temporary names. Eh, they're temporary elements.)