Hey, wait a minute! He didn't complain! No more pictures for you!
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Not That-Sport-That-Shall-Not-Be-Mentioned
I've gotten complaints about my last few posts, so I decided to make this post as an apology.
Hey, wait a minute! He didn't complain! No more pictures for you!
Hey, wait a minute! He didn't complain! No more pictures for you!
Friday, January 4, 2008
Ideal Superbowl
Like my nightmare situation, I get hit by a speeding vehicle.* Instead of dying, I'm just unconscious for a couple weeks. When I wake up, I find that the Redskins are heading to Green Bay, and someone has a copy of Dallas's humiliating defeat on DVD for me.
Washington reaches Superbowl 42, and face off against the Patriots. It's the battle of two franchises whose Superbowl record is 3-2! Belichick vs Gibbs seems like a great match, until the game starts.
Campbell gets the start after recovering from his injury and completes almost every pass he throws. The occasional incompletion happens whenever he chucks a football at a reporter that compares him to Doug Williams because Jason is "teh black." Brian Mitchell unretires and returns four kick returns for touch downs. This allows him to pad his stats so Devin Hester won't break his record for probably another year.
Sean Taylor leads the defense by becoming a zombie. Hey, why not? If he's going to be mentioned every few seconds by every media-type, why not actually play?
The game MVP is unretired Art Monk, who has the greatest game ever just to prove how stupid the Hall of Fame selection committee is.
Joe Gibbs retires because the job was sucking the life out of him. Later in the year he becomes a third party candidate for president due to write-in votes by Skins fans. This nonsense somehow leads to a good candidate winning the presidency. Don't ask me who or how. I think I'm letting my topic get away from me.
Bill Simmons is so devastated that he stops pretending that anybody cares about the NBA.
*- or the Redskins win tomorrow, thus setting up a week of agonizing about the Dallas game. This scenario will not be good for my heart.
Washington reaches Superbowl 42, and face off against the Patriots. It's the battle of two franchises whose Superbowl record is 3-2! Belichick vs Gibbs seems like a great match, until the game starts.
Campbell gets the start after recovering from his injury and completes almost every pass he throws. The occasional incompletion happens whenever he chucks a football at a reporter that compares him to Doug Williams because Jason is "teh black." Brian Mitchell unretires and returns four kick returns for touch downs. This allows him to pad his stats so Devin Hester won't break his record for probably another year.
Sean Taylor leads the defense by becoming a zombie. Hey, why not? If he's going to be mentioned every few seconds by every media-type, why not actually play?
The game MVP is unretired Art Monk, who has the greatest game ever just to prove how stupid the Hall of Fame selection committee is.
Joe Gibbs retires because the job was sucking the life out of him. Later in the year he becomes a third party candidate for president due to write-in votes by Skins fans. This nonsense somehow leads to a good candidate winning the presidency. Don't ask me who or how. I think I'm letting my topic get away from me.
Bill Simmons is so devastated that he stops pretending that anybody cares about the NBA.
*- or the Redskins win tomorrow, thus setting up a week of agonizing about the Dallas game. This scenario will not be good for my heart.
Nightmare Superbowl
If I die sometime between now and early February, here's what I'll watch in hell.
The Redskins will sneak by the Seahawks tomorrow 6-5, even though they only gained 10 yards total on offense. Then they will travel to Dallas and the media will talk about how good the Skins have been lately and how vulnerable the Cowboys are. Aikman and Buck will do commentary for that game.
After the biggest playoff win ever, Dallas cruises by Green Bay after Brett Statpadder's arm falls off.
Meanwhile, the Colts somehow beat the Patriots. No offense against Peyton Manning and the Colts, but this is the poin where I stop watching football games and ask for more harsh punishments. I even make up stuff so my eternal damnation will distract me from Superbowl 42, which will have commentary by Aikman and Buck. The over-under for Aikman saying that he's "impressed" by Romo is about 50.
The Redskins will sneak by the Seahawks tomorrow 6-5, even though they only gained 10 yards total on offense. Then they will travel to Dallas and the media will talk about how good the Skins have been lately and how vulnerable the Cowboys are. Aikman and Buck will do commentary for that game.
After the biggest playoff win ever, Dallas cruises by Green Bay after Brett Statpadder's arm falls off.
Meanwhile, the Colts somehow beat the Patriots. No offense against Peyton Manning and the Colts, but this is the poin where I stop watching football games and ask for more harsh punishments. I even make up stuff so my eternal damnation will distract me from Superbowl 42, which will have commentary by Aikman and Buck. The over-under for Aikman saying that he's "impressed" by Romo is about 50.
NFL Playoffs 2008
Since the games start tomorrow, let's take a look at the teams. I'll list them in order from least likely to win it all to most.
12) Tennessee Titans (10-6)
First Opponent: @ San Diego
Why they might win this week: See Head Coach Re: San Diego
Why they might win it all: Hey, Jeff Fisher snuck into his one Superbowl appearance by magic, so why not?
Why they won't win it all: In the NFL playoffs, shaky QBs will kill a team. Is there any QB shakier than Vince Young right now? He threw almost twice as many interceptions as touchdowns. Not good.
11) New York Giants (10-6)
First opponent: @ Tampa Bay
Why they might win next week: See my thoughts on Tampa Bay
Why they may win it all: Hey, the other Manning won one, right?
Why they won't win: Remember what I just said about shaky QBs? (I remember a couple years ago when people started to wonder if Eli was the clutch Manning. Seems funny now, doesn't it?)
10) San Diego (11-5)
First opponent: Titans
Why they might win next week: Even Norv Turner can win a first round playoff game against a weak team with a terrible QB.
Why they might win it all: They have some talented players who might be motivated after their humiliating lost to New England last year. Also, does Jerry Jones have ties to the mafia?
Why they won't win it all: Uhh, their head coach is Norv Turner. Did you know that he's the first and probably only head coach to lose a playoff game when the opponent was starting a rookie QB? Who was Shaun King? Shaun King?!
In conclusion, Norv sucks.
9) Washington Redskins (9-7)
First opponent: @ Seattle
Why they might win next week: Gibbs has yet to lose a first round playoff game. Seattle isn't that great a team. I didn't pay attention to them, but I was baffled by some of their losses. And Holmgrem is a suspect coach in my books.
Why they might win it all: Does 17-6 mean anything to you? It's Joe Gibbs' record in the post-season.
Why they won't win it all: Uhhh, they aren't a very good team. Trust me on that. I know fans are biased towards their team and exaggerate everything, but they're 9-7 for a reason. Also, Todd Collins deep in the playoffs? Yikes.
8) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-7)
First Opponent: Giants
Why they might win this week: Eli
Why they might win it all: Gruden pulled it off somehow in 2002, so why not?
Why they won't win it all: Can you even name the other three teams in Tampa Bay's division? I thought about this question a week ago, had to look it up, and yet I still can't remember the answer now. Tampa Bay has the same record as the lousy Skins and yet they get a home game.
Also, while I haven't paid attention to the team at all this season, Tampa Bay was very suspect in their game vs the Skins. The Skins turned the ball over five times and still almost beat the Bucs. Admittedly, Garcia was hurt, but that brings up another poin. If Garcia gets hurt, the Bucs's back up is Bruce Gradkowski. They are doomed.
7) Jacksonville Jaguars (11-5)
First opponent: @ Pittsburgh
Why they may win next week: I haven't really followed either team. I guess because the Steelers lost a few head-scratchers and to the Jaguars this season.
Why they might win it all: I have no clue.
Why they won't win it all: I have no idea. I haven't paid attention to this team since Leftwich was their QB.
I bet they would go to the Superbowl if they were in the NFC.
6) Seattle Seahawks (10-6)
First opponents: Redskins
Why they will win this week: The. Skins. aren't. that. good.
Why they might win it all: They. Are. In. The. NFC.
Why they won't win it all: It depresses me that Green Bay and Seattle will cancel each other out while Dallas will face Tampa, New York, or Washington.
Again, I site the Holmgren factor.
I'm sure the Jaguars are better but Seattle has a better shot at the Superbowl.
5) Pittsburgh Steelers
First opponent: Jaguars
Why they might win this week: Experience. Ben has a ring somehow.
Why they might win it all: Again, experience. Although I have no idea how the current coach compares to Cowher.
Why they won't win it all: Like Jaguars, they're cursed to play in the far, far superior AFC. Usually I'm a traditionalist when it comes to the playoff format, but this year makes me want to consider a seeding system that eliminates conferences.
4) Green Bay Packers (13-3)
First opponent: Seahawks, Buccaneers, or Giants
Why they might win it all: See head coach Re: Dallas
Why they won't win it all: First off, they cost themselves the number one seed by losing the Bears. Damn you, Bears! May you be cursed to be nostalgic about that one stupid Bears team for another 20 years.
Also, their QB is, what, 80 years old?
3) Indianpolis Colts (13-3)
First opponent: Jaguars, Chargers, or Steelers
Why they might win it all: Peyton proved that he could be clutch every once in a while. He's also the second best QB in a league of horrible QBs. Also, no QB who led the league in yards has won a Superbowl. You know the Colts are telling themselves that right now.
Why they won't win it all: I just don't see the Patriots losing to the Colts in a rematch. I really don't. Just the revenge factor alone is enough.
2) Dallas Cowboys (13-3)
First opponent: Redskins, Giants, or Buccaneers
Why they might win it all: Remember the Colts/Pats game early this year where a ton of calls went Indy's way? Well... Plus, they have an easy NFC conference while the AFC is going to beat up on each other.
Why they won't win it all: When this season started, I was hoping that the combo of Wade Phillips and Tony Romo would sink this team. Somehow, they got the first seed, which depresses me. Still, Romo and Phillips. The Botched Snap and The Music City Miracle. Seriously, something has to give.
I know I shouldn't say this because the Cowboys might kill my Skins a week from now, but I always laugh when I get a good look at Romo's face.
1) New England Patriots (16-0)
First opponent: Steelers, Jaguars, Titans
Why they will win it all: Brady. Belichick. The fact that they have a monster o-line and a damn good defense. Did I mention that they're 16-0?
Why they might not win it all: Karma payback for the whiny fans who threw a fit after Belichick was caught with his video equipment. Jeez, how dare the media react negatively after a head coach got caught breaking a rule!!!!!!!!!
12) Tennessee Titans (10-6)
First Opponent: @ San Diego
Why they might win this week: See Head Coach Re: San Diego
Why they might win it all: Hey, Jeff Fisher snuck into his one Superbowl appearance by magic, so why not?
Why they won't win it all: In the NFL playoffs, shaky QBs will kill a team. Is there any QB shakier than Vince Young right now? He threw almost twice as many interceptions as touchdowns. Not good.
11) New York Giants (10-6)
First opponent: @ Tampa Bay
Why they might win next week: See my thoughts on Tampa Bay
Why they may win it all: Hey, the other Manning won one, right?
Why they won't win: Remember what I just said about shaky QBs? (I remember a couple years ago when people started to wonder if Eli was the clutch Manning. Seems funny now, doesn't it?)
10) San Diego (11-5)
First opponent: Titans
Why they might win next week: Even Norv Turner can win a first round playoff game against a weak team with a terrible QB.
Why they might win it all: They have some talented players who might be motivated after their humiliating lost to New England last year. Also, does Jerry Jones have ties to the mafia?
Why they won't win it all: Uhh, their head coach is Norv Turner. Did you know that he's the first and probably only head coach to lose a playoff game when the opponent was starting a rookie QB? Who was Shaun King? Shaun King?!
In conclusion, Norv sucks.
9) Washington Redskins (9-7)
First opponent: @ Seattle
Why they might win next week: Gibbs has yet to lose a first round playoff game. Seattle isn't that great a team. I didn't pay attention to them, but I was baffled by some of their losses. And Holmgrem is a suspect coach in my books.
Why they might win it all: Does 17-6 mean anything to you? It's Joe Gibbs' record in the post-season.
Why they won't win it all: Uhhh, they aren't a very good team. Trust me on that. I know fans are biased towards their team and exaggerate everything, but they're 9-7 for a reason. Also, Todd Collins deep in the playoffs? Yikes.
8) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-7)
First Opponent: Giants
Why they might win this week: Eli
Why they might win it all: Gruden pulled it off somehow in 2002, so why not?
Why they won't win it all: Can you even name the other three teams in Tampa Bay's division? I thought about this question a week ago, had to look it up, and yet I still can't remember the answer now. Tampa Bay has the same record as the lousy Skins and yet they get a home game.
Also, while I haven't paid attention to the team at all this season, Tampa Bay was very suspect in their game vs the Skins. The Skins turned the ball over five times and still almost beat the Bucs. Admittedly, Garcia was hurt, but that brings up another poin. If Garcia gets hurt, the Bucs's back up is Bruce Gradkowski. They are doomed.
7) Jacksonville Jaguars (11-5)
First opponent: @ Pittsburgh
Why they may win next week: I haven't really followed either team. I guess because the Steelers lost a few head-scratchers and to the Jaguars this season.
Why they might win it all: I have no clue.
Why they won't win it all: I have no idea. I haven't paid attention to this team since Leftwich was their QB.
I bet they would go to the Superbowl if they were in the NFC.
6) Seattle Seahawks (10-6)
First opponents: Redskins
Why they will win this week: The. Skins. aren't. that. good.
Why they might win it all: They. Are. In. The. NFC.
Why they won't win it all: It depresses me that Green Bay and Seattle will cancel each other out while Dallas will face Tampa, New York, or Washington.
Again, I site the Holmgren factor.
I'm sure the Jaguars are better but Seattle has a better shot at the Superbowl.
5) Pittsburgh Steelers
First opponent: Jaguars
Why they might win this week: Experience. Ben has a ring somehow.
Why they might win it all: Again, experience. Although I have no idea how the current coach compares to Cowher.
Why they won't win it all: Like Jaguars, they're cursed to play in the far, far superior AFC. Usually I'm a traditionalist when it comes to the playoff format, but this year makes me want to consider a seeding system that eliminates conferences.
4) Green Bay Packers (13-3)
First opponent: Seahawks, Buccaneers, or Giants
Why they might win it all: See head coach Re: Dallas
Why they won't win it all: First off, they cost themselves the number one seed by losing the Bears. Damn you, Bears! May you be cursed to be nostalgic about that one stupid Bears team for another 20 years.
Also, their QB is, what, 80 years old?
3) Indianpolis Colts (13-3)
First opponent: Jaguars, Chargers, or Steelers
Why they might win it all: Peyton proved that he could be clutch every once in a while. He's also the second best QB in a league of horrible QBs. Also, no QB who led the league in yards has won a Superbowl. You know the Colts are telling themselves that right now.
Why they won't win it all: I just don't see the Patriots losing to the Colts in a rematch. I really don't. Just the revenge factor alone is enough.
2) Dallas Cowboys (13-3)
First opponent: Redskins, Giants, or Buccaneers
Why they might win it all: Remember the Colts/Pats game early this year where a ton of calls went Indy's way? Well... Plus, they have an easy NFC conference while the AFC is going to beat up on each other.
Why they won't win it all: When this season started, I was hoping that the combo of Wade Phillips and Tony Romo would sink this team. Somehow, they got the first seed, which depresses me. Still, Romo and Phillips. The Botched Snap and The Music City Miracle. Seriously, something has to give.
I know I shouldn't say this because the Cowboys might kill my Skins a week from now, but I always laugh when I get a good look at Romo's face.
1) New England Patriots (16-0)
First opponent: Steelers, Jaguars, Titans
Why they will win it all: Brady. Belichick. The fact that they have a monster o-line and a damn good defense. Did I mention that they're 16-0?
Why they might not win it all: Karma payback for the whiny fans who threw a fit after Belichick was caught with his video equipment. Jeez, how dare the media react negatively after a head coach got caught breaking a rule!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Tork's Picks: Wild Card
I'll take Seattle over Washington,
Pittsburgh over Jacksonville,
New York Giants over Tampa Bay,
and San Diego over Tennessee.
More thoughts later this week.
Pittsburgh over Jacksonville,
New York Giants over Tampa Bay,
and San Diego over Tennessee.
More thoughts later this week.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Tork's Blog Person of the Year for 2007!
And the winner is.....Tad Tadlock!
Congratulations!
Runner up: Elizabeth Hasslebeck whose actions caused the banishing of an illerate bully from daytime television (and the discussions of a lot of blogs.)
Congratulations!
Runner up: Elizabeth Hasslebeck whose actions caused the banishing of an illerate bully from daytime television (and the discussions of a lot of blogs.)
Yeah, yeah...
This blog is almost a year old now. On January 15th of last year I registered for the blog because I was worried that "Tork_110" was going to be taken at some poin. Seems like a silly thing to worry about, but I wasn't going to let some Tork-wannabe take it.
I was prepared to make the blog mostly about video games, but a stray comment from a friend caused me to go in another direction. That's the "post something, anything once a day" direction. That's what you got for the first few months. I eventually invented a few features so I could make it through the week. I haven't made fun of C64 demos in a long time and I haven't written any essays in a while, which is too bad because I enjoyed those, even if they were one joke repeated over and over.
Unfortunately I seemed to burn out in May, and by June one of my worst traits took over. My laziness prevented me from coming up with anything new. June was a dark time for this blog, as you can see since I only did 10 updates that month. I started an idea that should have filled space but has had surprisingly few results, and my attempt at a wacky movie idea in a throwaway post had already been done. I hate that latter post, but I don't want to delete anything.
In July I made a bit of a comeback, thanks to Lita. Her idea was simple, but it gave me something to do for an entire month. I revisited the idea of doing something a day during December, and these were the best two months I had since April.
In the months between I did better than June, but there were a few false starts. In August I had an idea for a sports-themed webcomic, but I wisely abandoned it. I also gave the best possible review anyone could have given for the new MST3k.com site, and I'll never live that one down. Oh well. On the plus side, I took one single trip to King's Dominion and stretched it out for two months worth of material. Too bad it isn't open now or I could reach March with no lack of posts.
I'm going to miss 2007. I thought it was awful for the first several months, but that was mostly because of constant political debates. Thanks to the internet, the media is omni-present so hearing about debate after debate was soul-crushing. But sometime around September I started enjoying the year. I think by than the media mellowed out a bit. Too bad this is an election year and I'll be back to gritting my teeth very soon. Can I freeze myself for several years?
Let's hope that 2008 is kind to us, and let's hope that I don't get lazy when it comes to updating this blog. You know, lazy like I've been for the last few days? Let's hope that doesn't happen to often.
Don't forget to pick up those tacky 2008 sunglasses. There's only a few more times where those glasses will work. Unless you're missing an eye. See ya!
I was prepared to make the blog mostly about video games, but a stray comment from a friend caused me to go in another direction. That's the "post something, anything once a day" direction. That's what you got for the first few months. I eventually invented a few features so I could make it through the week. I haven't made fun of C64 demos in a long time and I haven't written any essays in a while, which is too bad because I enjoyed those, even if they were one joke repeated over and over.
Unfortunately I seemed to burn out in May, and by June one of my worst traits took over. My laziness prevented me from coming up with anything new. June was a dark time for this blog, as you can see since I only did 10 updates that month. I started an idea that should have filled space but has had surprisingly few results, and my attempt at a wacky movie idea in a throwaway post had already been done. I hate that latter post, but I don't want to delete anything.
In July I made a bit of a comeback, thanks to Lita. Her idea was simple, but it gave me something to do for an entire month. I revisited the idea of doing something a day during December, and these were the best two months I had since April.
In the months between I did better than June, but there were a few false starts. In August I had an idea for a sports-themed webcomic, but I wisely abandoned it. I also gave the best possible review anyone could have given for the new MST3k.com site, and I'll never live that one down. Oh well. On the plus side, I took one single trip to King's Dominion and stretched it out for two months worth of material. Too bad it isn't open now or I could reach March with no lack of posts.
I'm going to miss 2007. I thought it was awful for the first several months, but that was mostly because of constant political debates. Thanks to the internet, the media is omni-present so hearing about debate after debate was soul-crushing. But sometime around September I started enjoying the year. I think by than the media mellowed out a bit. Too bad this is an election year and I'll be back to gritting my teeth very soon. Can I freeze myself for several years?
Let's hope that 2008 is kind to us, and let's hope that I don't get lazy when it comes to updating this blog. You know, lazy like I've been for the last few days? Let's hope that doesn't happen to often.
Don't forget to pick up those tacky 2008 sunglasses. There's only a few more times where those glasses will work. Unless you're missing an eye. See ya!
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