Bronco? More like Honky Donkey!

That's my Tim Tebow headline.  Give me a job, ESPN!

Jeezey crazey, people of my generation grew up learning about slavery, racism, and Civil Rights in the sixties.  You'd think we would show signs of being free of this stuff, but no, ironic racism is HILARIOUS! 

This just in!

There was no update yesterday.


And now, back to this blog.

Pac-Man Wrestling

Ok, so I don't have any other ideas for a post and I'm just jumping on a dumb bandwagon. You see, there used to be an NFL player called Pac-Man Jones. Now he's signed up to be a wrestler. So let me jump on this bandwagon as quickly as I can.





Wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka...




wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakkCLOTHESLINE!!!!!


Thank you.

Irish History Month Essay #4

My essay is about Kate Mulgrew, who is Irish-American so she counts. She is best known for her cameo in Star Trek: Nemesis, but she's done a couple more things.

Kate got her start playing a character on Ryan's Hope, a soap opera about Irish persons. Since I don't watch soaps, I can only assume that it involved ridiculous, never ending story lines about rich, sex-crazed people. Also, Benson probably made an appearance.

Later that decade she went on to play her most beloved role, Mrs. Columbo/Kate Callahan. The premise of her show was that she got to solve mysteries while desperately trying to figure out whether or not she was married. Her two of threes of episodes can be found on a couple of early Columbo DVD sets. I don't know, I think it was the third and fourth seasons.

In the eighties she played in a number of uninteresting roles. This was ok because by the mid nineties, she was cast in a role of Captain Janeway after some Canadian sourpuss quit on the job. Kate insisted on wearing the bun that would make her a household name. The Janeway Bun was in style in 1995 but is now only worn by women who are trying to hold on to their glory days.

The writers of Star Trek: Voyager held a secret grudge against her. They were always trying to make her say ridiculous pseudo-scientific stuff, but Mulgrew was a professional and she rolled with it. The writers thought they could kill her credibility after the episode that turned her and a co-star into mating salamanders after a ship went to fast, but it backfired on the writers. Kate's character proved so popular that she made a cameo on Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Kate has also done some voice work for popular cartoon shows. I mean really good cartoons like Gargoyles and Batman: The Animated Series. On Batman, Kate played a Russian Terrorist named Red Claw. Kate (who sometimes goes under the name "Arachnia") must be watched at all times.

Kate Mulgrew now stars in some plays, because she can. Her best known play is Tea at Five where she stars as Katharine Hepburn. I haven't seen it, but I assume it was originally called Waiting for Tracy.

Since she's Irish, it can be assumed that drinking led her to this amazing career. I can't prove that she fights a lot, but she probably turned into a leprechaun at one poin during the run of Star Trek: Voyager. "Too many deuteriums!", she would have said.


Update: This essay was edited to remove a dumb spelling error.

"Why Does Everything Have to Have a Remote Now?"

It's probably not a good sign that I've run out of ideas during week two, but thankfully my good friend Lita has come up with a topic idea for today.

So why does everything have to have a remote now? I think we have to look at the fifties when television was becoming big. People were starting to realize that those things worked by looking at them. However, people were so use to huddling up to the radio, they got terrible eye strain and radiation burns from being so close to the picture, according to their moms anyway. However, how do you change between the twos or threes of channels without having to get back up and down? The remote control was born by some engineer who had a lot of free time due to his blindness.

The early remote controls were crude. Then someone got the idea to design one to look like a raygun, but this caused many panics and several people were arrested. However, kids of the time seemed to like aliens and communism, so remote controls grew in popularity. This can be proven by the fact that Fred Flintstone used one.

Nowadays, you see remote controls for a lot of stuff. They can be found for vcr/dvd players, cd players, iPod players, toaster players, air conditioning players, and card shuffling players. So why so many remote controls? Because people have grimey fingers? Because it's a plot by BIG Universal Remote Control? Because of the phallic shape of the remote? Because nerds like to argue about whether it's control or controller? Because couch stores need couch potatoes? No. Or maybe a maybe, but here is what I think the evidence poins to.

The key to the remote control is the button. People like buttons. Go ahead, walk by a button. I dare you not to push it. Uh huh, I'll wait. Still waiting. Haw! You couldn't resist, could you? That's what the remote is like. As remotes matured, they got more buttons. Did you ever notice that there were buttons you never knew the meaning to? Well who cares! You pushed them anyway. Companies realized this and started making everything with a remote control. Soon, Americans were collecting these and even had trophy cases to show off their wealth. Admit it, you know some guy who has 100 button remote controls, and envy the bastard.

Of course, buttons are limited. In the future, we can expect to see bluetooth powered remote controls that allow for more sophisticated commands involving the simple flick of the wrist. Nintendo is an early pioneer in this field, but soon you will be changing the channel by breaking a mirror, or activating the sleep command by "remote whipping" someone in the face. Bluetooth will also allow remote controls to eat batteries at a faster rate, which will give people the excuse to go somewhere and buy more stuff that comes with remote controls. Clearly a win-win situation. Lastly, remote controls will have straps on them, because no matter how many buttons they have, they will always break easily when you drop them. This is an unfortunate constant.

To sum up, soccer would be popular if it was remote controllable. The end.