Wednesday, January 27, 2010

This Week In Entertainment (1/26/10)

No More Heroes 2

My Pick of the Week is No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggles. The first game was a lot of fun but it had a bad overworld. In this sequel, they decided to remove it instead of fixing it. Oh well. At least the battles should still be fun.


Also coming out this week is Edge of Darkness, starring Mel Gibson. I was going to make alcohol and Jeeeeeews! jokes, but then I realize everybody else already was, and felt sad.


On DVD we have many of the Rifftrax DVDs previously sold only on their website, including their first live show in Tennessee.

I guess this is "there is no conspiracy" week. I know your game, History Channel. (Actually, maybe they save "WHAT DOES THE GOVERNMENT KNOW!?!?!?!" specials for A&E.)

Do it for the people who now control Michael Jackson's estate.

I'm actually surprised we haven't seen a Ghostbusters 3, even if it was a reboot. Seems like there's plenty of nostalgia for the franchise now.

Let me guess, the good guys waging the war on whales turn out to be the bad guys duped by someone making a big profit, right? I'm on to you, Hollywood!

Super Bowl 44 should be good, but that doesn't mean I won't be taping the next Puppy Bowl. I was hoping they would release the earlier ones to dvd.

Somehow I don't think the 1956 version of 1984 is very accurate to the book. The book is brutal.

Every week
Amazon offers a belly dancing video. Just what is the audience for these? Bored house wives?


Also on the Wii is Tatsunoko vs. Capcom. It's a fighting game featuring Street Fighter and other Capcom characters facing...some Japanese thing. Should be good even if I don't know who half the roster is.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Tork's Picks Championship Weekend

I'll take the Indianapolis Colts over NY Jets
and the New Orleans Saints over the Minnesota Vikings.

Should be a good weekend.

Friday, January 22, 2010

East Meets Watts quickie Review

This review probably sums up my take on Cinematic Titanic. Even though I was giving generally positive reviews for the first three episodes, by the fourth one I was starting to dread watching them. Not because they were bad, but because I felt that the show just wasn't clicking. So while I watched Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, I put off watching episodes 4, 6, and 7 for a long time. I still haven't seen the seventh episode yet.

When I heard they were finally releasing episode 8, I was glad because I was worried they were dropping the DVDs for live shows. I understand that they have to make money any way they can, but it's very unlikely that I'll ever get to go to any of these shows. Still, I was a little skeptical when it was announced that East Meets Watts would be from a live show. Even though the host segments from previous CT episodes have rarely been good, I still want them. Also, I'm the kind of person who gets annoyed at people talking or laughing in the theater, which I know is ironic.

However, this DVD is easily the break out CT episode. I knew I was going to enjoy it when Frank accidently riffed on the numbers leading up to the movie. It was a much needed ice breaker. Unlike previous episodes like Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks, East Meets Watts took a great opening gag and built momentum instead of slowing down too early. It helps that East Meets Watts is NOT a 70s horror movie. Instead its a 70s hybrid of kung fu and blaxploitation. I never cared for all the 70s horror movies. They're just too depressing and ugly for me to enjoy even someone making fun of them. That's why I've preferred The Wasp Woman and sat on so many episodes. I was hoping they would release this episode after I heard it was in their live show rotation.

I've only seen this episode once so I didn't catch too much about the plot. I think the chinese guy, Larry Chin, is out for revenge and he's following his brother or something to America. There, he teams up with Stud Brown, a guy who is black, you see. Since this is a blaxploitation movie, the blacks are basically noble gangsters who have to put up with racist cops. Larry and Stud are handcuffed together and that's how we get a long bit with them running away, getting on trucks, and learning tolerance. Oh wait, I made that last bit up. They just beat up hicks and looks stylish doing so. At least, that's what the movie intended. Let's just say that the fights aren't that great and the editor isn't helping them. Eventually there's a big black vs chinese fight towards the end and Larry wins, and they all probably had a Coke afterwards.

Bad scifi and horror have always been riffing staples, but this movie shows that bad fighting movies are still an untapped genre. MST3k did Future War, but that was a more recent hybrid of Jurassic Park and the Terminator. Still, I hope we see more movies like this riffed. My favorite part of the first Matrix rifftrax was when they mocked the fight scenes, and those were good fights, as silly as they were. Watching people pretend to beat each other up and not doing a convincing job at it is something I would like to see more of, and the seventies probably had tons of these cheap movies in drive-throughs.

The Titans are seated on the left and right of the movie as usual (Trace and Josh are swapped in case you run into that trivia question) and we can see them this time. It's much like the times during the live Rifftrax shows where we could briefly see Mike, Kevin, and Bill, but we see them all through the DVD. This gives them a couple opportunities for sight gags, including the best one where two of them do spit takes to the racist sheriff's obligatory slurs. (Even funnier than that was when Mary Jo blurted out, "I missed the word honky!") As much as I hope they go back to the studio format, CT might be something that just works better as a live show. I enjoyed seeing their gaffes and their improvised quips. At one poin Joel repeats a line and confesses that he messed up the timing. Frank strikes back at the audience for one of his gags. Trace tries to disappear when they briefly turn off their lamps to mock the film's darkness.

This episode gets an A from me and blows away the rest of the series. I hope the next few episodes are as good as this one.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

This Week In Entertainment (1/19/10)

My Pick of the Week is Dark Void Zero for the DSi. Why? Because it's considered a lost Capcom NES game, and that's good enough for me. Too bad they released it to a system that I can't afford. Jerks.



Also out this week in theaters is Extraordinary Measures, starring Brendan Frasier and Harrison Ford. I'd tell you what it's about, but the opening paragraph in the Rotten Tomatoes description puts me to sleep.

Disney gives us the latest The Rock family movie, Tooth Fairy. I guess the Doom movie scared him away from action stuff forever.

Legion is a movie about God losing faith in humanity. Thanks a lot, Internet!


On DVD is the first volume of Laugh-O-Lympics, a Hannah Barbara show about their cast of characters competing in a cartoon olympics every week. File this show under "loved it as a kid. Scratched my head later on."

Fraggle Rock was a puppet show but it had a short animated series at its height. It must have been short because I remember watching the same episode twice but only that episode.

Surprise the title isn't "God Send Me a Good Man."


Now you can own the entire set for UPN's biggest non-SciFi success!

All right! Oh.

Can I request a song?

Yeah, I'd like to hear that new song from Fish Picker.

Big fan of the show. First time, long time. Thanks!!!!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Mickey Crisis: Day 6

If you're wondering why I didn't cover the crisis over the weekend, then you don't follow the news.


Anyway, let me check my notes so we can catch up....Oh.




Vermont, the 14th State, is no more. Tune in tomorrow for more updates.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Mickey Crisis: Day 3

MAJOR NEWS!


Today we've heard rumors that North Dakota is planning to sell nukes to Mickey.

North Dakota is the most powerful and influential of The Axis of Poinless States.


May God have mercy on our souls.

Tork's Picks: Divisional Round Weekend

I would love to see Jets, Vikings, and Colts win this week. With that said,



My picks are:


New Orleans over Arizona
Indianapolis over Baltimore
-
Dallas over Minnesota
San Diego over NY Jets

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Day 2 of the Mickey Crisis

Zombie Abe Lincoln just gave a press conference. He says he will not preserve the union this time.

Stay tuned for more reports...

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Mickey seceeds.

Just heard the news. I say good riddance. Did any of you like that guy? I sure didn't. I say we're better off withoCAN I COME WITH YOU!?


Fine, I didn't want to come to your new country anyway. Jerk.

This Week In Entertainment (1/12/10)

For my Pick of the Week I'm choosing a movie based on it's title. It's about a Sister with a gun, and she's having... "Nun of That" Oh, blasphemy!


In theaters we have the latest Jackie Chan movie. Yay? It's called The Spy Next Door and I hope it doesn't have the Spy Kids vibe it's movie poster is giving off.


The Simpsons is skipping seasons 13-19 so they can release Season 20 to DVD. I can't remember most of these episodes and I skipped the final five. Oh well, I guess Fox feels it's got to get some of that BluRay money. I guess the joke is that the idea that Mr. Burns is greedy rings hollower and hollower as the show goes on?

Is Bogus really considered a fan favorite of anything, let alone Whoopi Goldberg films? What about Made In America? Do we need to be reminded about the Ted Danson thing?

I don't know anything about Accident on Hill Road, but OUCH for the guy on the cover.


On WiiWare is ShadowPlay. You know those games where you try to take 2-dimensional shapes like squares and triangles and you try to build bigger shapes like a tractor or bird? ShadowPlay is like that. You try to build shapes by using the shadows of various objects. It's the first WiiWare game to use Motion Plus.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

I'm on top of that.

One of the big trends in electronics is THREE D! No, really. It's the future! We're all going to have 3-dimensional televisions by the end of the year, and watch sports in one, two, three dimensions!

Sure, there are some naysayers out there who are holding back progress by saying stuff. Stuff like, "this is a dumb fad that's failed before. Again and again." But not me. Starting now, I'm converting this blog to 3D. I will work on this day and night just to meet the November sales of televisions. I promise this, even if this means I will be posting less.

In the meantime, please purchase your glasses. You'll need them.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Tork's Picks: Wild Card Weekend

Let's just get this season over with.

I'll take Jets over Cincinnati
Dallas over Philly
-
New England over Baltimore
Arizona over Green Bay

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

This Week In Entertainment (1/6/10)

It would be nice if I could start this year off with a bang but there isn't much to go with.

I'll pick Final Fight 3 for the Virtual Console. It's...I don't know, just a sequel to the original SNES beat em up.


In theaters is Bitch Slap, a movie about aping Quentin Tarantino and not much else, apparently.

On DVD, why do they make Michelle Trachenberg the star in movies? What exactly has she done?

I'm not sure what the Elvis Presley Gladiators is about but I'm sure it was important to winning the Cold War, or something.

Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus, because girls just love to brush the hair of their ponies! Well, there are exceptions...

I heard it sucked, for the most part.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

And now, a meditation on the NFC East

Gotta love how Lawrence Taylor's shilling for NutraSystem.

Yeah, get the cokehead to do weight loss ads! That doesn't invite any jokes!

Yeah, I know Tork would prefer a post that bashes the Cowboys, but you take the victories where you get them.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Tork's Picks Week 17

Only about four or five weeks left to go.


I'll take:

Indianapolis over Buffalo
Jacksonville over Cleveland
Chicago over Detroit
StL over San Francisco
Pittsburgh over Miami
NY Giants over Minnesota
Atlanta over Tampa Bay
New Orleans over Carolina
New England over Houston
-
Philadelphia over Dallas
Kansas City over Denver
Baltimore over Oakland
Arizona over Green Bay
San Diego over Washington
Tennessee over Seattle
-
Cincinnati over NY Jets

Friday, January 1, 2010

Tork's Blog Person of the Year for 2009!

And the winner is.....Tad Tadlock!




Congratulations!



Runner up: Elizabeth Lambert. Sure, you're a horrible person on field. But that doesn't mean you didn't capture my heart with your bare fist.





Anti-person of the Year: The jerk who invented the word "funemployment"

Happy 2010!

I was going to make a joke about how those 2000 glasses are now messed up, but I see some nerds already beat me to it. Pssh, this is why nerds need a good beaten. Leave the jokes to us professional bloggers, guys.