Simpsons Season 18 Conclusion

The 18th season is coming to a close, so let's take a look at the final 3 episodes.


Stop or My Dog Will Shoot (JABF12)

Summary - After Homer gets lost in a cornfield maze, Santa's Little Helper rescues him and becomes a local hero and the Simpsons decide to enroll him in Police Dog Academy

Comments - Rudy Guiliani is going to be in this episode. Umm, I really don't have anything to say. Hopefully he'll just have a small cameo like Tony Blair and the episode will have a lot more Stephen Hawkings.

This may be a good episode because it focuses on the dog. (Did the previous sentence sound damning?)




You Kent Always Say What You Want (Jwhatever)

Summary - Homer purchases the 1-millionth ice cream cone at an ice cream store and is featured on Kent Brockman’s nightly news program. However, the innocent interview turns into trouble when Brockman uses a shocking expletive and Ned Flanders wages an anti-indecency campaign.

Comments - Not only has South Park Already Done It, but didn't Family Guy Already Do It? This episode may be slightly interesting after the Imus crap, but I'm not optimistic. In fact, the original title was "The Kent State Massacre." Yeesh.

Uh, so Kent's show is live and not delayed? Good going, moron. Unless we get a repeat of the marajuana episode, Ned will no doubt be the bad guy, something that I've always hated. It's still my position that Ned is funnier as a perfect neighbor.









24 Minutes (Jsomething)

Summary - With the help of Jack Bauer and Chloe O'Brian, Bart and Lisa must stop bullies Dolph, Jimbo and Kearney from releasing the ultimate stink bomb at Springfield Elementary's annual bake sale.

Comments - South Park Already Did It, but I missed the first half of that episode.

I've never seen 24, but that doesn't necessarily mean this episode will lose me. The parody of the X-Files was a great episode.

This episode has Keifer Sutherland. I hope this episode is the opposite of G.I. Doh, the other episode he appeared in, because that's my least favorite episode of the season.

This will be the 400th episode, so I'll cross my fingers for this one. It'll be aired on the same day as the previous episode, so maybe this episode will be a make up for "You Kent...".







I've missed these episodes.


The Wife Aquatic - I did see one clip. According to this episode, we all die on January 7th, 2010 thanks to global warming. Can't wait! We have 972 days to live.


Rome-old and Juli-eh - I missed the ending, so I didn't get to see the preposterous way the reset button was pushed to end Selma's marriage.

The Boys of Bummer - I read the episode synopsis and wondered if the writers were really this far out of ideas.

Crooks and Ladders - Volunteer fire fighters, huh? Is it like that Flintstones episode where it was all a scam?



And now to end with something more positive. The best episode of the year was probably Little Big Girl. I think. Also next season they're going to bring back Sideshow Bob and his brother Cecil. I'm crossing my fingers on that episode.

USA Cartoon Express

I used to watch the USA Network quite a bit as a kid. The thing I watched the most was The Cartoon Express, which was a collection of old cartoons from the seventies and early eighties. This was one of the things that defined my taste in cartoons.

I can't remember if The Cartoon Express was aired everyday or only on the weekends. I do know that on Saturdays it aired at least till 11. Saturday was the biggest day of the week since the day started off with original programming. It also allowed kids to participate by phoning in their opinion on things and it was the first time I saw random people have their birthdays listed on the air. I'm pretty sure that this was a precursor to what Nickelodeon evolved to, although I haven't watched Nick in a long time so don't assume I know what's happen on that network in the last decade.

I remember during 1988 I had my first taste of politics. USA let kids call in to think who should be president. They would make their pick and make a brief empty statement for why they made their pick. Kids got to pick between Bush or Quayle, meaning it was probably the primaries. (Or USA was biased!) Maybe it was Bush vs Dukakis, but I remember it being Bush vs Quayle.

USA Network is where I watched He-Man. I was a big He-Man fan as a kid and one Christmas I got a huge set of He-Man toys. I was such a big fan that I even watched She-Ra after He-Man was over. Side story - Even though I was a huge fan of He-Man, I must have misheard his catchphrase every time. Everybody knows that it's, "I HAVE THE POWER!", but for some reason, I always heard it as, "I AM HE-MAN!" I like my version better because it avoids using the word power twice in two sentences.

Most of the cartoons showed on USA were Hanna Barbara cartoons. The cartoons included more famous stuff like Huckleberry Hound and Yogi Bear but included a lot of the cheesier cartoons. I'm talking about stuff like, "Help!... It's the Hair Bear Bunch!" and "Turbo Teen." This includes all the Yogi Bear derivatives and Scooby Doo clones. And I love all these cartoons! I think I had a Shirt Tales lunch box at some poin. Today I'm sure I would be embarrassed if I watched most of the cartoons but I always saw these as good, well-drawned cartoons and this led me to reject the later cartoons made by Nickelodeon. My favorite HB cartoons included Laff-O-Lypics, Pebble and Bamm Bamm Show, The Herculoids, and Kwicky Koala.

Sadly, these cartoons quickly disappeared when the Cartoon Network appeared. And now these cartoons have all migrated to Boomerang, which I don't have. I'm sure by the time I get Boomerang, these cartoons will have been replaced by the crappier Adult Swim cartoons.

On Saturdays at seven there was a show called Calliope. It was about some guy and his dog and they hosted cartoons that were different from what was usually offered. It also had a lot of viewer mail. Sadly, I didn't watch this show too often because it was too early to watch. The only cartoon I can remember was something about a bunch of penguins.

The Cartoon Express had several bumpers that teased you about which show they were going to show next. Several times they would show Dragon's Lair and Pac-Man promos but never show the cartoon, which annoyed me a lot. They were automatic must-watch shows because they were based on video games. Dragon's Lair was especially rare because I think they made only a dozen episodes.

There were a couple cartoons that actually disturbed me. The first was a famous episode of The Smurfs where the Smurfs started biting each other tails and becoming purple. The purpleness made them lose their minds and it spread like a disease. There was also an episode of Pac-Man that had a alternate future where the ghosts had won and Pac-Man and his family ended up getting chomped. Even though Pac-Man was just-a-dreaming all this, it made it appeared that the bad guys had won in that episode.

There were some cartoons I didn't like (Johnny Quest for one), but the one that really stands out in my mind as a cartoon that I hated was Gem. I would leave or turn off the tv whenever they showed that. I never cared about a bunch of girls trying to be rock stars and I didn't care about their rivalry with the bad rock girls. Who cares whether or not if she was truly outrageous?

Eventually as I got older it got harder to watch this on weekdays. We only had one tv with cable. I started watching the current Saturday morning line up of the networks. My taste in cartoons shifted towards the Disney cartoons of the early nineties. I watched a couple of Mortal Kombat cartoons towards the end of the decade, but The Cartoon Express I knew died when they got rid of all the HB stuff.

I wish they would put Pac-Man and Laff-O-Lympics on dvd.

Hippy History Month Essay #2

My essay is about John Lennon, aka John Lemon. He was best known for his impossible ability to work eight days a week.

John Lennon was born in Liverpool, England, in 1940. Nothing interesting happened in his early life, but he probably had a guitar at some poin.

In the mid fifties he formed his first band. It was named the Quarryman, which is why he didn't instantly gain fame. His partner was Paul McCartney and they eventually let George Harrison in after they got tired of his begging. The Beatles were chosen as their new name because they wanted to appeal to the younger generation, and there's no better way to do that then misspelling stuff. Ringo Starr joined them at some poin when the band got confused over the number four and five. Lennon was the leader despite the fact that they all had Moe Howard haircuts.

It was in the sixties that the Beatles became famous. They became popular in America after they appeared on Ed Sullivan, but John was angry when Ed only showed them from the foreheads down. John was furious and this was the origin of his rebellious ways. John even spent a hard day's night thinking of a great revenge, but Paul told him to let it be.

As the decade went on John started to worry his fellow band members. He is famous for observing that the Beatles were bigger then Jesus, but attempting to walk on water was too much. A yellow submarine was built to keep an eye on him and was there whenever he yelled Help! The Beatles tried to explain this away to the press by saying that he was pretending to be a walrus.

When John and his first wife divorced, Jonh looked for someone who would love him do. Since he couldn't buy himself love, he soon found a soulmate in Yoko Ono. She won his heart after she was the first to correctly answer nine when he asked her to pick a number between one and ten. It was not to long after this that John's message to the Beatles was, "Hello, Goodbye." When interviewed about this many years later, his response was simply, "because."

In the seventies John turned to political activism, which was the style of the time. He was determined to rally the younger voters to vote against the Vietnam War, and with his help, McGovern won Massachusetts.

Yoko and John's relationship started to falter. They tried to give peace a chance, but it wasn't something they could imagine for a while. They eventually reunited and John retired for a few years, only to return a few months before his murder.

Since John was a huge icon in the hippy movement, we can only assume that while he said he wanted to make a better world, he just smoked pot and smelled bad. R.I.P.

Week in Entertainment (5/7/07)

My Pick of the Week is a pop-up book featuring a comic character. Yeah, reading is fun, especially when it's 3d and interactive! Seriously, this was a thin week.

The Sims 2: Deluxe DVD is out for those who have been late to the Sims 2 thing. Like me, for example. I still don't have Sims 2.

Awwww, look at all the babies in National Geographic: In the Womb - Multiples!




Oh well. Since that list was so crappy, here's two bumper stickers I found amusing.

Congress Quickie

Congress is trying to mandate fluorecent lightbulbs everywhere. (You need to login to see the article.)

Get the government out of my bedroom! And bathroom! Stay away from my Kitchen! Get outta my Basement! And so forth, I think you get the joke.

A Look at the Summer Movies

Because, why bother looking up some popular website or magazine when you can read my thoughts?! Anyway...

I like Summer Blockbusters. They're the only movies I'll go to see anymore. Not that I go to the theaters often. Anyway, here is the big summer blockbusters of 2007.





The One Movie I Would See If I Could Only Choose One:

Spider-Man 3 - I have a feeling that this movie is going to be a letdown after the first two, and I'm already trying to avoid spoilers that confirm or deny this feeling, but this should still be a good movie. I do wish the stuff I read about the Sandman turns out to be false, since it sounds like a needless way to rewrite the first movie. I do want to see what they're going to do with Gwen Stacey.




Movies I Want To See A LOT:

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Besides the Spiderman films, this is one of the great series of the decade. A lot of credit has to go to the makers of the previous films in making them work. I almost wish I was a kid so I can enjoy this series as one. That said, this was the longest book of the series and they're going to have to cut out a lot. I'm really hoping they can pull this off for this one and the final two books.



Movies I'm Excited About (in a way):

Transformers - I never got into Transformers so I don't give a damn about this movie. However, given the negative buzz, I can't wait until the nerds unleash their whiney fury on Michael Bay. "HOW COULD HE CHANGE THIS OR THAT!? DAMN HIM!!!!" That's going to be great.




Movies that I Might See If Someone Offered:

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer - I wasn't really a fan of the first movie. The heroes didn't seem to be that heroic and the movie spent too much time with dumb jokes and the fire guy doing lame stunts. I also don't really know anything about the Silver Surfer (my dad was a DC Comics fan.) It'll probably be watchable but just that just like the first movie.

Rush Hour 3 - There was a time in the late 90s where my family got a lot of Jackie Chan movies. I was disappoined by the first movie but liked the second one. (Lower expectations, maybe?) Maybe Tucker will die ten minutes into the movie.

Mr. Bean's Holiday - The show is great. The 1997 movie sucked. Even the scenes recycled from the show sucked. Still, maybe they learned from that and decided to make a good movie. We'll see.



Movies I'm Indifferent to:

Shrek 3 - Hated the first one. It was way too smug about it's supposed cleverness. Didn't see the second one. I'm not a big fan of the mugging of Mike Myers.

The Simpsons Movie - I was going to say that I would still be interested in this movie if the writers could avoid the enviroment and lame politics, but who cares? BART'S GOING TO BE NUDE!! YOU HEAR THAT!! HEY, EVERYBODY! BART'S THINGIE!!!! PLEASE, PLEASE COMPLAIN SO WE CAN BE RELEVANT AGAIN!!!! (Seriously, I rather see Futurama in the theaters. I'd love to see their animation on the big screen.)





Now Obligatory CGI Movies:

Ratatouille - In the Pixar corner!!!!! It's, uh, some movie about a rat. I guess we still have to wait for them to rebound after the ok-ness of Cars.

Surf's Up - In the Not-Pixar corner!!!! It's, uh, more stupid penguins.






Sequels In Series I haven't Seen At All:

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End - We have the earlier movies on DVD, so maybe I'll watch them.

28 Days Later... - I'm not a fan of zombies. If I had to see a movie about zombies, I'd rather see a junkie one. (Although I've never seen the Resident Evil movies either.)

Ocean's Thirteen - Another heist!? See, now you're just being greedy.

Evan Almighty - I used to be a huge fan of Jim Carrey, but haven't seen too many after he failed at being a serious actor. This doesn't even have him, so I'm not sure what the poin is. (And where the heck is my real sequel to The Mask?!)

Live Free or Die Hard - Is that what happens to New Hampshire residents if they don't live free?

Bourne Ultimatum - I can't think of anything to say.





Because We Just Love Video Game Adaptions

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale - This will be Uwe Boll's greatest film, by the way. I'm damn sure of it.

DOA: Dead or Alive - More like Dead on Arrival! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!






The Heck!?

Underdog - No, seriously!? Live action, and the dog doesn't speak in rhyme? Now I regret liking George of the Jungle.

Bratz Movie - The only way I'd see this movie if it was directed by and written by Strong Bad.




No. Flipping. Way.

Hostel 2 - Torturing dumb American tourists! And this time with women, which means possible rape! And the poster has a big chunk of unidentified meat!

Bleck.

Hippy History Month Essay #1

(Note: This essay was originally about someone else, but that will be delayed until next week, hopefully.)

My essay is about Tom Laughlin. He is best known for his dedication to pacifism, but he also has his good poins.

Tom Laughlin was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota and lived in Wisconsin. This traumatic experience obviously shaped his life.

Tom was an actor and got his start on the TV show "Climax!" There is a famous urban legend about this tv show, but it is not true that it's a sex show. He also starred in movies like Gidget and South Pacific, which allowed him to play up his strengths as a beach bum.

In the sixties, this typecasting finally caught up to him. He was forced to star in movies meant to humiliate him. Titles like "The Young Sinner" and "The Born Loser" were thought up first, long before a poster and eventual script were made. However, Tom got the last laugh when they made The Born Loser about an Indian. Tom's native American looks made him perfect for the role as Billy Jack. People are often shocked to find out that he's really a caucasion from the Midwest.

The Born Loser told the story of the a former Green Beret who doesn't wear a hat. Along his way, he meets several bikers and local girls, all who have bad parents. At some poin his pacifism allows him to kick several people. Eventually this straightens everything out, and Billy gets the girl Vicki. Their love was not to last as he dumps her before the credits role after her bizarre lightbulb speech.

The movie was directed by a hat who was always critical of Laughlin. Eventually the two had an offscreen altercation. The hat kept telling Tom that it could do his scenes by itself, and they eventually compromised for the next Billy movie. Billy was still the star, but the hat would appear in every scene. (There are websites dedicated to where the hat is on every frame of the Billy Jack Trilogy.)

The first movie of the seventies trilogy is appropriately, Billy Jack. This movie tells the story of the origin of how Billy Jack's girlfriend Jean gave him the hat. There's also a lot of racist, corrupt town folks, but the hat wins in the end. Tom was also allowed to speak out on half of the Indian community because he looked so much like them.

This movie became a success when Tom was the first to show endless commercials of the movie on television. This revolutionary idea is now how all films are advertised in America. Later in 1971 Laughlin directed Touch of Satan, which defined his views on relationships.

In the middle of the decade Laughlin created The Master Gunfighter, a movie that debunked the idea that cowboys actually used guns instead of the historically correct swords. After this he created his masterpiece, The Trial of Billy Jack. This movie is the first to have scenes where people talk about issues for 15 to 30 minutes straight. The movie is about Billy going to jail for slapping Jesus, but the belly dancing team from his girlfriend's hippy school free him. Eventually some soldier go on their campus and shoots several of them to stop their whining. Billy survives mostly by the awesomeness of his hat.

This film was one of the top moneymakers of 1975, so a sequel was guaranteed. However, he made the tragic mistake in dissing the hat when he decided to do a remake of Mr. Smith Goes To Washington. The film was a flop and destroyed Laughlin's career as a film maker. The hat is now in a museum in Japan somewhere.

Tom Laughlin's later life is defined by his entry into politics. He has entered into several presidential races, and sometimes people even vote for him. In New Hampshire he proved his popularity by receiving 2% of the Democratic Party vote in 1992. He now maintains a website filled with his revolutionary ideas and stuff.

Since Tom Laughlin was a big hippy it is a known fact that while he talked about wanting to save the world, he just smoked pot and smelled bad. However, he does deserve credit for the name of Rowan and Martin's variety show.