Demo Fun #8

Today's demo is "No Kidding" and can be found at the usual place.

We start on a dull grey screen with some black text. The demo was made by Dutch USA Team. Underneath, there's a sentence that says

We must be serious this time, we have a problem...

The text starts to scroll underneath. "Hi there all you guys," it starts. Hi, what's wrong? The author identifies himself as MC. He and his team is called "The Great USA Team." I thought they were Dutch. What are they trying to pull here?

The Great USA/Dutch Team still has a problem ; somebody else in Germany is using their name! You know, I never trusted those guys. MC doesn't think it's a coincidence, and you know, I agree. It's not like great, USA, and team are common words. I smell a conspiracy. MC tells us that the name was already his since 1984! Those Communazi bastards!

So MC lays his cards on the table.

We'll get very rude!!!

YEAH! YOU TELL THOSE THEIVING BASTARDS, MC! But first, MC wants to tell us where the 'musix' comes from.

After a big ellipse, MC says hey to the guys in Flensburg. You hear that, Karl? You're going down! MC asks why the theft took place and announces that he's angry. I'd feel sorry for the fakers but they brought this on to themselves. MC rants on that there are some people who even greet them! Damn, I'd hate to review a demo where a long list of nerds include "The (Fake, Tee hee!) Great USA Team". As MC poins out, these jerks are trying to get famous of The Real TGUSAT's hard work.

Like MC poins out, clearly this criminal stuff is happening because TGUSAT's products are so "ace". Then MC sums it all up.

...and then they say, "look, we made this" (but we did)

MC finally loses it and says the f word at the German crooks. They had it coming! MC screams at them to change their names because TGUSAT is the first, they are worst. TGUSAT is the first and will be the last. MC announces that until the fakers are destroyed or they change their name, TGUSAT will now be known as The Dutch USA Team. MC then threatens his enemies to change their names or they won't be allowed to greet him in their demos. TGUSAT/TDUSAT is known for all "USA No Border Demos", "+..." demos, and all the musix by MC. And that's not all! Some products are stunning!

MC hopes everything will be solved quick, and promises to all good hackers that his team will still make demos. He mentions his friend Honey of 1001 and mentions his/her picture from a demo called Suburbia. Also, we learn that a guy name MAD (Mr. Mad?) whose work sounds fab!!! However, MAD uses a lot of memory, which puzzles MC.

Suddenly, MC brightens up and screams "YYYYEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" MC is once again working on his musix routines but this time he's writing everything down before he makes a piece of non working spaghetti code. Good for him. Shows that he's learning. MC says in paranthesis that he just wants to be independant. Apparently the eighties were the decade of spaghetti code. That's why graphics sucked so bad. MC is also working on a game.

What about a greeting list?

About damn time! TDUSAT greets: 1001 Crew, New Stars, All Flashers, Dynamic Duo, TMC, TMR, BAM, (all computer musicians including MAD), All at CNET, Jazzcat.

MC says good bye, except for the ****ers at Germany. MC threatens again that he may have to get real rude!!!

Change your name! No kidding! We hate u!

MC uses some more rude but understandable language and tells the German team to learn proper English. It would all be real easy if they just changed their name, and MC thanx them if they do. MC is too nice.

Before MC goes, he mentions that there is a bug in his program, "Soundrelocater." Long story short, one of the bytes is screwed up. Our author also asks the German team to look up his older demos so they can find his address.






Stats:

Date - Sometime in the eighties.
Scrolling text - Standard
Font - Flashing between white, orange, and yellow
Europeans - Yep.
Bragging about Accomplishments - Yep.
Putting other hackers down - Putting down theives!
Listing a ton of other nerds - Yep.
Harsh language - Four cusswords of the f variety.
Song - 4/10

Tork Book Club: Tomb Raider: The Man of Bronze

Ok, I wish I could start this with a stronger book. When I mentioned a "Tork's Book Club" back in January I imagined I would give my thoughts on the Discworld series among other books I've read. Sadly, my poor memory has forced me to put this off for a while. Now I'm going to discuss the book in question since I just finished reading it and it should be fresh in my mind.

I would just like to say that there are

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!!

Ok, I don't need to poin this out, but Lara Croft is a video game character with big boobs. If you think I'm a perv for saying that, then I would poin out her hype during her early years. It was all about her breasts. It was very annoying since her first game was a genuine classic, and the second had it's moments, but the video game magazines all focused on her chest. The very people who now put her down are probably the same people who were drooling over her back in 1996.

Oh, and Lara is a British (former?) aristocrat who has Indiana Jones-like adventures. I would mention her backstory but they changed it from the first game to the fourth game to the movies. Her choice of weapon is two pistols.

This is the third of three novels. The first novel was written in an attempt to provide background from the time Lara "died" at the end of her fourth game and when she reappeared in the sixth game. The other two have no specific connection to the series. Each novel was written by a different SciFi author.

The plot of this last novel is much like the plot found in a video game. While the first novel had Lara travel with some Muslims and had many discussions about their culture, this novel sets up a plot where Lara finds some artifact and must go find three MacGuffins. Action persues. This novel differs from the last two in that it's written in the first person and much more violent.

The plot revolves around a sophisticated, mysterious "robot" that's made of bronze. It was once broken 10000 years ago into many pieces and is trying to reattach it's parts. The setup to this story has Lara meeting with an old friend at a secret hostpital after he survives an attack. The friend has a briefcase handcuffed to his arm. While at the secret hospital in Warsaw, mercenaries attack. This includes some very violent stuff, including the scene where Lara takes out one guard by stabbing him in the heart. It's rather nasty because she pretended to be on drugs to lure him to her legs and considered kissing him to silence his last breath. Later on a bomb goes off and sends shrapnel into a guy's head. The only time I can remember the other novels being this violent was the end of the second novel, and that was an accidental death involving the bends.

Anyway, Lara finally finds out what's in the briefcase. It's suppose to be a map to the other parts. Lara then meets the Bronze Man, who we find out is the inspiration for the myth of Osiris. Bronze has contacts all over the world and has united many religions just so he can find his missing parts. (In exchange, he offers his brain to catch many criminals.) In this case, he only needs his leg. An attack by a nemesis pushes Lara to go find the three pieces of the leg and to get revenge.

The video game plot is now set up. The next three sections of the book has Lara teaming up with an old friend and investigating where the next piece is. Stage two involves an old Russian friend and a cave. She learns about the mysterious radiation of the bronze parts (including a part with a charging mastadon) and it's effect on people. Stage three has them teaming up with a sea captain and fighting against zombies. Stage four has those three teaming up with an Aborigine woman while fighting giant spiders (ICK!), an giant alligator, and having an obligatory temple to raid. The final part of the novel is a face off between Lara and the villian behind everything and her nemesis.

We spend the novel inside Lara's head, and she's really the only character to get much characterization. She is often thinking her way out of situations, and her catchphrase is, "Ok, new strategy!" Lara's three companions are old friends which was probably done so the author didn't have to spend too much time establishing them. The nemesis doesn't make too many appearances either, and is just an arrogant bastard. The only character that isn't Lara that the book goes into details about isn't introduced until the last stage of the book.

The plot of the book is fast paced. The chapters are titled by the location that Lara is at. Lara and her friends never stay too long at one location.

If there's one thing I would remove from this book, it's the scene where Lara wakes up after being tranquilized. She finds herself in a cell wearing lingerie. It turns out that the big bad guy really likes women and had her dressed up so he can later seduce her. Lara says that she doesn't feel like anything happened, but I still object to a novel throwing in even a hint of rape. Tomb Raider is about escapist adventures and there's really no need for that kind of garbage. I really don't like it when rape is tossed in to make the reader hate the bad guy more, even if it's done for "realism." Female adventurers shouldn't have to put up with this crap, and since this is escapism there's no excuse for it. I would have removed the paragraph or two that this issue was brought up.

On a lighter note, I must poin out that in the Lara Croft universe, apparently James Bond, Sherlock Holmes, and Tarzan are real people. I think the author was being a little too cute when he mentioned that these families were blessed by the radiation of the bronze pieces.

Also, may I poin out that I hate spiders? This is the third thing connected to Tomb Raider that involved giant spiders. The second game had jumping tarantulas in the first level, and giant spiders in the next to last level. It took me several hours and liberal use of a grenade thrower to get through a fifteen minute area. The third game's final boss was a giant mutant man-spider. He was a little easier to face against but I still would rather jump in the lava then have him touch me. This novel has to big spiders and said that the spiders had webbing that looked like part of the jungle. I don't think I'll be going to any jungles anytime soon.

Anyway, I'll admit that the Tomb Raider novels are more junk food fun then anything, but I'll miss the series.





Currently Reading: Diamonds Are Forever by Ian Fleming

Last Read: Tomb Raider Lara Croft: The Man of Bronze

Irish History Month Essay #3.1

My essay is about Pierce Brosnan. He is most known for setting a record for the number of times an actor was almost James Bond, but he's done so much more then that.

Pierce's earliest breakthrough into show business happened when a circus agent saw him eating fire. Pierce trained under a clown and this is where he learned some of the quips used in his Bond movies. The clown is still on a government list.

Pierce was also trained to be an actor. He had a number of roles in dramas, including Mrs. Doubtfire. One of his breakthrough roles was a Master Piece Theater documentary, which he got a role in because he sounded Britishy. His most famous role of his early career was in Fourth Protocol, which led to his first connection to a movie that led to a video game.

Pierce also starred in Remington Steele somewhere around this time. It's about some woman who's bored so she opens a detective agency and hires "Remington" so they can have some "will they or won't they?" moments. The show was soon cancelled after the disatrous NBC poll to answer this question. "Yes" and "no" were tied, while "Ronald Reagan" and "I want to see Care Bears" got more votes.

In the nineties Pierce starred in his most beloved role, the model for the main character in Goldeneye for the Nintendo 64. This game is awesome and may have single-handedly saved Nintendo's butt during the late nineties. Starring in video games is now Pierce's main source of income. Rumors that he will appear in Super Smash Bros Brawl still persist.

Pierce also starred in a number of Bond films. Goldeneye was the first, and critics liked him, even if they thought his speech where he dissed NBC and Timothy Dalton was "...a little bitter." Pierce proved to be very professional in the role, since he didn't look completely ridiculous in a movie where his love interest was Denise Richards. He even restrained himself from punching Madonna in the face after he heard her theme song for his last Bond film. The studios ordered Pierce to star in really dumb movies so that his Bond films looked like masterpieces in comparison. "Mars Attacks!" and "Dante's Peak" were perfect for this. Well, except for "Die Another Day."

Pierce's first wife made an appearance in "For Your Eyes Only", which is more proof a The Bond Conspiracy. This is still being investigated by MI6. Top agent "Lara Croft" is unavailable for questions.

Pierce was going to star in a fifth Bond movies, but producer Albert Broccoli wanted a Bond who had hair like Mike Nelson. At this poin Pierce's career was over, but critics love him so much that they pretend that he occasionally stars in a movie and speak well of his performance.

Since Pierce is Irish, we know the reason why he signed up for "Die Another Day." Agent "Lara" has yet to confirm his role in the non-existant Catholic Conspiracy, though.

To sum up, I'll quote the famous tagline to his 1994 movie, "Lawnmower Man."

Your ass is grass, and I'm the mower.

Recurring Emails I Get

I was going to post my thoughts on the latest Bond film, but that wasn't going anywhere. Luckily, an email I got today has provided me with a backup topic to type words about. Here's some more words.

So today I got an email from Amazon.com. It was advertising the many video games based on the soon to be released, "Meet the Robinsons", by Disney. I was wondering why the heck I should care until I read the first line of the email.

As someone who has purchased kids games you might like to know that "Disney's Meet the Robinsons" is available for pre-order.

WHA?! "Someone who has purchased kids games"? What are they implying? It makes me sound like a pervert who spends most of the time writing erotic fanfics about underaged cartoon characters. Then I realized that I had recently purchased "Lego Star Wars" for the Game Cube. Usually when I get emails from Amazon, it's for Discworld books because I once bought "Witches Abroad" from the site.

Anyway, Amazon isn't the only website that regularly sends me emails. Here's a few more (I'm not including spam):


Sci Fi Weekly - I registered for the SciFi Dominion bboards way back in 2000, maybe even late 1999. I did it so I could post on the MST3k board. This is where I came up with the user name that I now use for this blog. When I originally signed up, I used one of my dads email addresses which I never checked. Sometime in 2001-2002, I finally changed it to my then yahoo email address. This is the oldest reoccuring email that I've received. I use to skim through the email for something interesting but now I all but skip them. SciFi Channel and the Duh hasn't been that interesting since they shut down the MST3k board.

Bravenet - I have a website, but I don't add anything to it anymore. It's mostly an archive for an rpg that I and my friends wrote. I always thought I could use the site to learn about html, but I was too lazy to do so. Back in the early days I signed up for Bravenet services so I could have a counter for my site. The bravenet updates include hints for html stuff, but I have yet to sit down and read one. I keep telling myself that I'll read the next one, but it's been about five years now.

Freefind.com - FreeFind is the free search engine I use for my site. This is a weekly email that tells me what words were typed into the search engine and tells me that my site was spidered. I usually skip this email because my site isn't visited that much.

Cafepress.com - I've only bought one thing from this site. One year for Christmas I bought a tshirt for my friend Lita. Somehow, the order got screwed up and she got two, but she was able to keep both while I got refunded for one. Now they don't even sell those shirts anymore. CafePress emails usually advertise the latest annoying political shirts or tshirts based on whatever the upcoming holiday is. I still may buy another shirt from that site.

Hallmark.com - You know those e-greeting cards? I still get emails from Hallmark since the day I sent one during a Valentine's Day. I don't know why I don't just ask to be left off the list. Anyway, Hallmark emails probably talk about flowers and cards, but I don't read them.

Ancestry.com - I don't get these anymore, but for a while I was looking up information about a dancer who I have a crush on. I was googling like crazy and found a few of those sites that promise you to find the family trees and other dirt on people. I forgot why I signed up to ancestry.com, but it never gave me anything. It wanted money and I wasn't willing to pay. I eventually got myself off the list.

Namesdatabase.com - Same deal, only it was one of those "find out about your old classmates!" sites. I screwed up and signed my name for Tad Tadlock's school instead of mine, so I spent my whole time trying to delete my account. I wonder if there was any people born in the 30s who was wondering when the heck I went to their school.

Nintendo.com - I can't remember why I originally signed up for Nintendo.com. Maybe I saw a thread about Earthbound and decided to throw something in. However, later that year Nintendo had an offer for a Zelda Collection GC game for those who buy a couple other Nintendo games. I bought those games and was able to get the Zelda Collection game. In exchange, I now get regular updates about the twos of threes of games that Nintendo releases each month.

YouTube.com - I first registered for a youtube account during June of last year just to post a couple of Tad's famous public domain shorts. Then I realized that I could post videos of video game endings. Then I got the bright idea of just playing through an entire game and posting everything in ten minute intervals. Now I have over 100 subscriptions and over 250000 video views, so I spend every day looking at emails alerting me to new comments. Luckily not everybody is an anime nerd. The sucky part is that these email alerts don't contain the comments that get posted to youtube, so you have to go and open up the movie just to see what someone said. Sometimes the comments haven't even appeared yet. It often makes me feel bad because I don't want to inflate my own view count.

eBay - These are a lot like the Amazon emails, but I don't think eBay keeps track of you in the way Amazon does.

codeproject.com - I signed up to this site originally because I was in desperate need of some code for a project that I was working on. The emails contain links to project descriptions but I ignore them and have yet to sit down and read one. This is the only email I catch in a yahoo filler, for some reason.

Toywiz.com - I bought a Jaws Poster (in 3D!) from this site for my friend Rimmi and I'm now getting update emails like from cafepress. Too bad the Caps suck because I could probably buy an Ovechkin figurine from this site.

paypal.com - I have a paypal account, but these emails make me nervous.



Update: Title edited to remove dumb spelling error.

Irish History Month Essay #4

My essay is about Kate Mulgrew, who is Irish-American so she counts. She is best known for her cameo in Star Trek: Nemesis, but she's done a couple more things.

Kate got her start playing a character on Ryan's Hope, a soap opera about Irish persons. Since I don't watch soaps, I can only assume that it involved ridiculous, never ending story lines about rich, sex-crazed people. Also, Benson probably made an appearance.

Later that decade she went on to play her most beloved role, Mrs. Columbo/Kate Callahan. The premise of her show was that she got to solve mysteries while desperately trying to figure out whether or not she was married. Her two of threes of episodes can be found on a couple of early Columbo DVD sets. I don't know, I think it was the third and fourth seasons.

In the eighties she played in a number of uninteresting roles. This was ok because by the mid nineties, she was cast in a role of Captain Janeway after some Canadian sourpuss quit on the job. Kate insisted on wearing the bun that would make her a household name. The Janeway Bun was in style in 1995 but is now only worn by women who are trying to hold on to their glory days.

The writers of Star Trek: Voyager held a secret grudge against her. They were always trying to make her say ridiculous pseudo-scientific stuff, but Mulgrew was a professional and she rolled with it. The writers thought they could kill her credibility after the episode that turned her and a co-star into mating salamanders after a ship went to fast, but it backfired on the writers. Kate's character proved so popular that she made a cameo on Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Kate has also done some voice work for popular cartoon shows. I mean really good cartoons like Gargoyles and Batman: The Animated Series. On Batman, Kate played a Russian Terrorist named Red Claw. Kate (who sometimes goes under the name "Arachnia") must be watched at all times.

Kate Mulgrew now stars in some plays, because she can. Her best known play is Tea at Five where she stars as Katharine Hepburn. I haven't seen it, but I assume it was originally called Waiting for Tracy.

Since she's Irish, it can be assumed that drinking led her to this amazing career. I can't prove that she fights a lot, but she probably turned into a leprechaun at one poin during the run of Star Trek: Voyager. "Too many deuteriums!", she would have said.


Update: This essay was edited to remove a dumb spelling error.

Coming Soon: Puppets Edition

I'm so psyched about this horrible movie! This is going to be the Snakes on a Plane of 2007! I can't wait!

Check out some photos here. I really hope that they make a rifftrax for this one.

I believe it comes out on Halloween of this year. Take that, Saw 4!

This Week in Entertainment (3/26/07)

There are people who prefer The Munsters, and there are people who prefer The Addams Family. Such a question divides the country in red and blue, somehow. This is why my Pick of the Week is The Addams Family Volume 2.

Also out on dvd is the complete first and second seasons of the British version of Whose Line is It Anyway? I prefer the American version, but this set is for those who complain about Drew Carey.

The Complete Sonic the Hedgehog Series is coming out. This is the more serious Saturday Morning series with the catchy theme song. Features furries doing furry things. This series proved that Urkel could be cool! Warning: The series ended with an unresolved cliffhanger.

The Three Stooges: Triple Whammy is for fans of the Stooges who have never bought any of their stuff on video before and want it all dipped in color. I'm not even going to look at what's being offered but I bet I can guess which four shorts is included.

I thought this was already out, but here it is anyway. The Swing Parade of 1946 is being released in color and comes with a rifftrax by Mike Nelson. The Three Stooges have a supporting role in this movie. Curly probably looks awful since he was having health problems at the time.

I was going to recommend Comic Legends - Groucho Marx & Redd Foxx, but there's too many Xs in that title.

Hmmm, it appears that there will also be a couple more Three Stooges DVDs. The Three Stooges: Greatest Rountines and The Three Stooges: Extreme Rarities. There's no mention of what is featured on the DVDs, so presumably it's more public domain stuff that's now dipped in color.