"I actually drink Diet Cola for the taste."

Suckers. 

The July Music Video Challenge...

is dead.  Sorry about that.

I'll think of something to replace it, even if it takes a month to do so!

That's nice.

I'm going to show you this part of a comment.  Just skim it, and try to imagine where it's from.

Ok, ready?

The friggen sports section about a game played when I was eleven.

Isn't that something?

Gee willikers.

(I can't even find the comment that sparked this one.)


You know, I have a private joke that I say in my head whenever somebody craps a load of talking points at an area where nobody was discussing politics.

"Gee, I was all ready to go all in and vote for party A, but since I read these talking points at a random place on the Internet, I've completely changed my mind!"

This Week in Entertainment (6/28/11)

My Pick of the Week is Resident Evil: The Mercenaries 3D.  It takes a side game from Resident Evil 4 and makes you pay forty bucks for it, but meh, I heard it looked really good.


In theaters this week is Transformers 3:  Dark Side of the Moon.  Bay actually apologized over the second one, do I'm sure this will be better.  I have yet to see a Transformers movie, by the way.  Never cared for the franchise. 

Sucker Punch is the latest Hollywood flick about women kicking butt. Question:  Why is Hollywood so bad at making those kind of movies?  It seems like something that should just work, but they seem to end up lame. 


On DVD is the complete ReBoot animated series.  I've never seen it, but I'm sure Michael Bay Jr. will make a movie about it in 20 years.

On Blu-Ray is Lord of the Rings, extended versions.  I hope that these movies replace the novels, which are boring.  Nerds are dumb.  The movies should be the ultimate canon.

Presumably like the Large Hadron Collider, only bigger.

NOW IN HIGH DEFINITION:  Lord of the Dance!

Now available: the first season of Star Wars: The Clone Wars.  Any enthusiasm I may have for this series (It's being written by Not-George Lucas!  And it's kinda Star Wars, I guess.) is being tempered by the fact that I hate The Clone Wars.  And I still don't like the animation.  I'm being serious when I say it looks cheap.  You can have all the flashy glowy things but the faces on the characters still look cheap.

Finally (it's about time!) you can get all three seasons of Gilligan's Island all at once.  There would have been more, but Return to Gilligan's Island...yeah, let's not talk about that film.  The novelty of putting that show in the Relevant 70s wears off quickly.

This I actually did.

On Friday, I was at the computer and I read a fan fiction for Mortal Kombat: The Mortal Kombat reboot for not Wii owners.  (I think that's the title.)  But not just any fan fiction.  Nooo.  I read a specific fan fic which involved a teddy bear.

You see, there's this bad guy who rules a bad world named Outworld.  He has two daughters, one adopted, one created by evil sorcery.  The evil one learns about teddy bears from a sorcerer who originates from earth.   So she makes one for an undead warrior she has a crush on.

This thing was created because of this level.  It's amusing, but I'm sure it's Mortal Kombat 2011's version of "The cake is a lie!"  And now I've read someone trying to get into these character's head, over a friggen bear.


What a life I live.  Did you know that I once had dreams?  Yeesh.

If she pulls a knife, you must kill your wife.

There are rumors that OJ is going to confess to the murders in an interview with Oprah.  He's got a great angle, though.  Self-defense. 


Uh huh.





Screw you, Oprah, for getting rich off crap like this.  On that note...

Screw you, Oprah's audience, for being the inspiration for Idiocracy.

Screw you, media, for exploiting every dumb "this trial is really about race relations" angle during 1995.

Screw you, morons who see racism in everything, for being the pimple on the ass of mankind.

Screw you, FOX(?) for your attempts to give this man a sympathetic ear when he tried to sell that "If I Did It" book.



I now end this post with this youtube clip from MAD TV.

Five Friggen Hundred, Baby!

Go Curly W! 

This Week In Entertainment (6/21/11)

My Pick of the Week is this documentary about William Castle.  He was known for making horror movies in the sixties that had an audience participation gimmick.  For example, the Tingler was suppose to attach itself to people's spines, so certain seats in the theater would have a mild electric shock. 


Also out this week in theaters is Cars 2.  You know, a sequel to Pixar's weakest.  Eh, if it makes them money to make other movies, no objections here.  And Cars wasn't bad.  It was just mediocre as heck.

More like, Conan Obrien Can't Stop from getting cancelled!  (smug smile)   Note:  The writer of this post made the joke before he bothered to learn about the movie. 

You ever like an actor or actress a lot in one film, and then you never like them again?  I liked Cameron Diaz in The Mask.  Bad Teacher looks awful.  Check out the terrible quotes at the bottom of the Rotten Tomatoes page.


Did you watch Finding Nemo and liked the turtle part?  Well Turtle: The Incredible Journey is for you.


On DVD Steve McQueen stars in The Honeymoon Machine.  Geez, my generation just calls them ---- ----.

Finally, someone tells it like it is.  If only they can make more movies about every other musical genre.

The first season of the wonderfully insane Mr. T cartoon is here.

No, this isn't that play by the South Park guys.  Trapped by Mormons is a 1920s film. 

Besides that anti-Mormon film, there was a ton of DVDs from the 1920s.  So many that I just skipped them.  But here's this shorts collection. 

At least that's only a bat.




I don't watch basketball, but I'm always complaining that you can't buy sports games or watch them online.  So I support the fact that the NBA conference finals are available for purchase.  Of course, it would be nice if they sold the games in a set.  Here's game one of Bulls/Heat and game one of Mavs/Formersonics.  You'll have to find the rest.



In video games, we have Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D.  I know I probably come off as a Nintendo fanboy, but I'm sick of Ocarina of Time.  It wasn't even the best N64 Zelda.

Movie tie-in:  Cars 2 for Wii and DS.  How come the DS version has online support but the Wii doesn't?

It seems bold to me to make a race game for the console that already has a Mario Kart game.  Oh, they're Super Karts?  That'll do.

Gummy Bears Magic Medallion.  Yeah, the Wii is really starting to wind down.

Finally, I like that the icon for this game seems to be astounded by the game's goofy title.  A title that includes a question mark, no less.

Rifftrax Live: Jack the Giant Killer

I'm four for four at attending Rifftrax Live Shows.  Let's hope I make it an even five this August.


(Yes, five isn't an even number.  I like to toss in obvious mistakes to tick people off.  Also to make my real mistakes look like fake ones.)

Is Futurama ripping off Tales From The Duh?

There's anepisode this season called "Mobius Dick"

Finally! Maybe Bender can take down that dastardly PM!

Behave, American CFL fans.

Look at their slogan.  It's their league.  Not yours.

Canadian Football is back!

CFL preseason started this week.  It's about time.  I needed some football after hockey let me down again.  (Oh, and I guess there was basketball or something.)

I don't really have a CFL team.   I guess I'll pick a team in my time zone.  I'm thinking Ottawa Roughriders when that team comes into being.  I mean, it's the capital of the country, and it's new for people just jumping into the sport.  But for now, I guess I'll go for the Montreal Alouettes.  Dumb name, but the poor franchise was dumped by Baltimore after it stole the Browns.  Stupid arrogant Baltimore.

Of course, the CFL is really just a warm up for an American football league.  You know the one I'm talking about.  That's right!

Go Virginia Destroyers!

Mega Man 5

Nintendo releases games to the Virtual Console for the first time on a Thursday.  Baby steps, Nintendo.  Maybe we'll make an Xbox Live out of your online services yet.

500 Wii points.

OK, are we done yet?

All four of the major Boston sports franchises have won championships in the last decade.  Can we please move on?  I've heard there are places like Cleveland and Buffalo that have long droughts.

Speaking personally, the Caps have wasted two straight top playoff seeds and Esa Tikkanen missing an open net still hurts.  Washington hasn't won a World Series since 1924.   The Redskins have won Super Bowls in my life time, but Dan Snyder.  (Oh, and I guess we have a basketball team.)

But I'm not going to whine. I'm going to build a time machine and kill all the Boston writers who got rich off whining about Game 6 of the 1986 World Series. 

A Correction

Long time contributer, coblogger, soupeater Mickey told me that Celebrity Bowling is not a bad show, like I implied in the last post.


I apologize for finally getting something wrong in four years of keeping a blog.  Hopefully this isn't a sign that I've lost it.

This Week in Entertainment (6/14/11)

My Pick of the Week is the sequel to Wii Play.  It's Wii Play: Motion!  It's fifty dollars, and for that you get a Wii Motion Plus controller and a ten dollar game.  Eh, worth it if you ask me.


Also out this week in theaters is Green Lantern.  This movie didn't exactly look good, and the lack of reviews at Rotten Tomatoes isn't filling me with confidence.  Look at this sneakiness:

Way to make it look like the early buzz is good, guys.

Mr Poppler's Penguin is a Jim Carrey movie.  Too bad it isn't the 90s anymore.


On DVD is an all-time bad movie classic, Johnny Mnemonic, in blu-ray!  Watch this film and marvel at the fact that they even dared to make The Matrix after this one.

I guess Circus of the Stars wasn't enough, so there was also Celebrity Bowling.  TV in the seventies wasn't very good.

Hellraiser 7:  Not a good subtitle.


On the 3DS is Cubic Ninja.  I'm a sucker for graphics like these.

Stupid twitter

I created my twitter thing a month ago.  I've watched it get up to 6 whole followers!  Now it's down to one.  And I feel bad.  I even gave money to the last follower too.  (For good reasons, not because I'm sad and lonely, but still!)

I hate you, social media. 

Question

So this morning I went to ESPN to see the highlights of Game Five of the NBA finals.  I clicked the front page video link, and all I got was Michael Wilbon gushing over how awesomely awesome the series has been.  Not a single highlight.  I've already seen the video played in four different links.

The question is:  WHY THE HELL DO I STILL GO TO ESPN.com?  WHY?!  ESPN is everything wrong with sports and yet I keep going back to it.

Rumors of the Bruins defeat were greatly exagerated.

I thought the finals were already over after the Canucks won that overtime game.  Now it's a best of three series after the Bruins scored 12 goals in two games.  Oh well.


Not the boldest of predictions, but whoever wins game 5 will win it all.  In fact, there won't be a game 7 if the Bruins win a third straight game. 



Also I guess the NBA finals are also tied 2-2.  Eh, I haven't followed the sport since Jordan re-threepeated, so I guess I'm marginally hoping for the Heat to lose, even if it makes Dallas happy.  Stupid basketball.

Nintendo E3 2011

Looks familiar.

Hope it isn't heavy.

Oh, hecks yeah!

Those are the three best images to sum up this years Nintendo conference.


It started with a full Zelda orchestra.  Why?  Because Zelda Zelda Zelda, that's why!  Head Nintendo dork Miyamoto got up on stage to talk about Skyward Sword for the Wii.  We didn't get much new but that's OK.  We got the idea last year.  That game is coming out during the holiday rush.  We also got news about Zelda Ocarina of Time, Zelda Link's Awakening, and free Zelda: Four Swords for Nintendo's portables, but I wanted the show to move on.  I've played those games and frankly I'm starting to get ZeldaD-out.  (If you're new to Zelda, I'd recommend Link's Awakening for six bucks but you'd have to buy a 3DS first.)

That was the first 20 minutes.  Next up was a look at some 3DS games.  The 3DS has had a slow start so it needs some games to show off.  The ones shown were Mario Kart, Star Fox, Super Mario 3DS, and probably my favorite moment of the conference, Luigi's Mansion 2.  That is worth a purchase of that system by itself.

Blah blah blah, talk about 3DS.  I understand that they need to talk that portable up, but I think most people were itching to hear about the high definition Project Cafe.

So we got to the big moment.  So it turns out that the system name is Wii U.  Yep, "Wii U".  Than they showed off the controller.  It is a combination of a GameCube controller and a iPad.  I hope they're light, because it looks awkward.  It's going to be the biggest thing Nintendo has to sell to the public, because I'm sure everybody reacted skeptically to it.  Anyway, they showed off how it can be used to play games without the TV on it's six inch screen.   My favorite demo was the one that showed the tablet being used for golf.  It's not huge, but it was a neat idea showing the golf ball while swinging a Wii remote at it.  It also has a face-to-face chat feature.

After talking up the Wii U controller, we got a video of developers talking about how awesome they thought the console was.  I sure hope they're not lying.  Nintendo badly needs third party support.  We did get some news by an Electronic Arts guy that they are going to bring Nintendo's online support into the current century.  They showed a couple games, the best being Ninja Gaiden 3.  They didn't show any Nintendo Wii U games, but we'll see them at E3 2012 for sure.  (They mentioned Super Smash Bros for both 3DS and Wii U.)

Here's what we don't know about the Wii U after the show:  Wii U specs, specifics about their online service, what games we're going to see, what the friggen price is going to be for the controller and system, whether the system will have a Mario game to launch, and so forth.  But hey, we'll have a Super Mario Mii, which I was hoping for.  (It better have online.)


After the show, some nerds argued that Nintendo sucked and was forcing another gimmick on the industry.  Oh, nerds!

The Periodic Table welcomes two more!

Flerovium (atomic number 114) and moscovium (atomic number 116), welcome to the club!


(Actually, those appear to be temporary names.  Eh, they're temporary elements.)

This Week in Entertainment (6/7/11)

It's E3 week!  But that doesn't mean nothing gets released this week.  Today I'm picking the collection of Superman movies in blu-ray as my Pick of the Week.  We're talking about HD versions of a series that went from highs, to lows, to "that's it?!"


Also out this week in theaters is Super 8.  I've forgotten the trailer already but it's got J.J. Abrams with Steven Spielberg.  That's not a bad combo, right?

I assume it's based on a series of childrens' books, but "Judy Moody"?  Really?  Also, look at Heather Graham in that poster.  Tell me who this is being marketed to.

No, TrollHunter is not about people being angry at the Internet.  It's about people looking for rock creatures.


On DVD (and blu-ray) is a cartoon tie-in.   This one is for the Green Lantern.

This seems to be real.  The Big C is a show about cancer.  Did I mention that it seems to be a comedy?  What the hell?

If a show about teenagers doesn't have an episode where a teen lies on his bed all day with their head propped up on a pillow while playing video games, than I just won't understand what the show is talking about.

Do you have a blu-ray player and a 3D television?  Have some sharks, and if that's not enough take these whales and dolphins.


In the world of video games, we have some terrible tie-in games.  Yep, there is a Green Lantern movie coming out that will probably also be terrible.


Tonight 3DS owners can download Excitebike 3D for free.  In a month it'll be five bucks.

They can also download a Pokedex 3D for all the monsters from the latest poke games.  Which sucks because I haven't followed the series since Red.  Supposedly you can get monsters through Street Pass.

Thank you, Mickey.

For leading into our next post.  E3 is coming up, and you know what kinds of games will be announced there?  Not Mother 3.  That's for sure!

Tork's Blog is your Official place for Nintendo E3 news.  Take my word for it.  I'll be watching it on Tuesday, at noon.


But seriously, Mother 3 is never going to be released in North America, so download a rom and hope you don't get busted for piracy.

Another childhood nightmare brought to you by Mother

This is a Chimera. You run into all kinds of these dudes in Mother 3:





This is the Ultimate Chimera. He's a Godless killing machine who's supposed to scare the crap out of you, but he just ends up being adorable. Look at him! <3 <3 <3




You know who else is a horrifying abomination in the face of God and science?





The Wuzzles.

That's right kids....every time you kill a chimera in Mother 3, you're killing the Wuzzles. And the Gummi Bears. And Huey, Dewey, and Louie. And Darkwing Duck. And Talespin.....well they deserved it....who in the holy hell thought "It's Jungle Book....but they're in Planes for some reason" was a good idea?

If the Chimeras were Woozles instead of Wuzzles, I'd understand. Those Woozles are bad news.

You ever go to work...

wearing pants that are two inches too much?  I did today!  Sure was fun thinking of ways to hold my pants up.  I went with sticking my hands in my pockets.  It was like being a teen again.


 I need a "Is an dummy" label.

That's great.

The post you see underneath this one?  I had it done on Monday.  I thought it was already up.



Blogging is hard, dude.

This Week In Entertainment (5/30/11)

X-Men: First Class

My Pick of the Week is the newest X-Men movie.  The last two has admittedly left me underwhelmed, and prequel is a dirty word to fans nowadays, but what the heck.  It's got Emma Frost for nerds to drool over.

What does it say about Chicago if the Cubs are its heart and soul?  (Gotta love that it's Blu-Ray.  100+ years of futility, in 1080p!)

I clicked this link thinking:  Isn't "classic" the wrong word for dinosaurs?

Genius proven by art cover.

New Morals for Old (1932):  The date and title just scream:  We got to get this done before the Hays Codes take effect!

This DVD teaches you how to direct movies.  Making a movie is on my bucket list, among the many many hobbies I'll pick up for the week and get bored of quickly.  I wonder if they have any pointers on directing a film with a Flip Video Camera.


In theaters is Turkey Bowl.  If they don't get John Madden to do the commentary...Also, why don't Madden games have a turkey football mode? 

Putt Putt Syndrome is a movie about how you forfeit on that one damn hole where you have to go up a hill.  I hate those holes!

On the DS, this collection will remind players why people got excited about Duke Nukem Forever long before it became a punchline.