The Games I've Played #4

Learning With Leaper is an educational game for the ColecoVision. My sister and I used to play it several times, and at one poin I really didn't like the game.



LWL gives you four different games to play. You choose them by moving Leaper around. Leaper is some kind of olive with legs and horns. It bounces as it moves. It's kind of a weird mascot, but I think he appeared in one other Sierra game. Anyway, the choices are paint, counting, running through a maze, and compare and contrast.



We'll start off with the maze, cause there isn't much to say. You're a frog, and there's a caterpillar. There's no time limit, and the caterpillar doesn't do much besides wonder around aimlessly. If you let him catch up to you, he'll just turn back around. The frog moves slowly and the game seems to be aimed for really young children. There are much more complicated mazes than this, but not many dead-ends.



Another game that's aimed for the really young is this counting game. You have to select the correct number of bones for the dogs. It's a cute game where the dogs will either wag their tails or bark at you. The game last till ten tries unless you make mistakes. I used to enjoy just waiting until all the dogs showed up and I would only give a bone to one of them.




Probably the only game that older kids would appreciate is the compare and contrast game. You play as an balloon with a hook and you match up crates with the crate on the top right. It starts out easy with letters, moves on to shapes, words, and eventually hard-to-tell shapes. My sister used to play this a lot, and I eventually began to dislike this game because I was a selfish kid who wants to play games a lot. Totally different from today.



The last game was paint. My sister liked this game even more. Here you pick a color and click anywhere on screen to fill in the space. You can't undo anything, which sucks. There are four pictures, which you wouldn't know unless you accidently pushed the 3 button. We must have painted this house several times before we knew there were more options. Observe.










My sister like the fourth picture, naturally. I liked either 2 or three, mostly because I was already bored with the house. The odd this about this game was that there were clear spaces for you to fill in, but for some reason the paint program wouldn't fill them in all the way. For example:



This one wasn't so bad because I liked to make the sky black and the other side yellow to make it look like night.


So that's what the Leaper taught us young kids. That and patience. Lots of patience. What I left out is the fact that after you're done with a game, you see the opening screen again, and have to watch the Leaper slowly jump around again. And you have to watch the menu screen again even if you just want to play the next level of the maze or balloon game.

I wonder if anybody who worked on this game remembers the horny* olive with legs. Isn't Sierra still around**? It would be interesting if someone brought back one of the weirder educational game characters.




* - Not that kind of horny!
** - Nope. It was bought up by Vivendi at some poin but they kept the name.

Dear cell phone spammers,

I'm glad you took your time to remind me that my car warranty is about to expire. That's very kind of you. Your service has been invaluable, because I wasn't aware that I owned a car, yet alone a warranty.

Keep up the good work,

Tork

Black History Month Essay #8

My essay is about Tyra Banks. She is best known for a chain of depositories named after her, which she has used to become a celebrity.

T. Banks was born in 1973 in Inglewood, California, but nothing interesting really happened when she was a kid. When Tyra went to high school, she was already hot, but that was because she was a Catholic school girl. Due to this and the fact that her mother had a career in photography, Tyra decided to pursue a career in modeling. There's probably truth to the rumor that many adult filmmakers cried when she went to Paris instead of wherever they make those films, but I'm sure they got over it fast.

In Paris Tyra quickly set records for walking on a runway and soon became famous. She appeared in several ads, and was the first to appear in both a McDonald's ad and a Victoria ad successfully. This led to the jealousy of her rival, Naomi Campbell. Naomi was never able to prove that Tyra caused her to fall offstage, but that hasn't stopped Naomi from making allies with Hugo Chavez to get her revenge.

Tyra moved into acting in the mid nineties. She appeared as a recurring character on Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Her character was so important that it's mentioned on a wikipedia page! Due to roles like this she went on to appear in movies. Higher Learning was her first big role but she began to get nervous when she learned that Michael Rapaport had connections to Naomi Campbell.

Tyra's next movie was the cynical satire called Love Stinks. This movie deeply affected T., so her brief stint as for grabby Bob Barker's Beauties in understandable. She bounced back, however, and taught Piper Perabo the ropes about bartending in Coyote Ugly. She also had a brief appearance in the then ultimate show about love, Felicity.

With all these sucesses under her belt, she got a show on UPN. Her critically acclaimed America's Next Top Model was a hit on a network already famous for wrestling and scifi shows. In this reality show, aspiring models are dropped off in Paris and they have to fend for their lives against arsonists. They probably vote each other off at some poin. This show, as of this writing, is in it's tenth iteration. There's no truth to the rumor that Tyra has made any deals with any demons, which was proven when her video Shake Ya Body bombed.

While producing ANTM Tyra also has a successful talk show. Her show's slogan is "Every woman has a story...and it happened to Tyra too." As of this writing, Tyra's website has information about transgendered children. Not that I'm saying anything. Some see Tyra as the next Oprah Winfrey, which explains that long kiss they had at the Talk Show Host Award Ceremony.

Tyra Banks has had an interesting career. I believe that I've shown that we will one day see her continue to build her CW empire so she can finally crush Naomi.

This Week In Entertainment (2/25/08)

I hate to do this because of the principal of it, but I'm going to give the Pick of the Week to the Smurfs Season One just for the sake of 80s nostalgia. I still hate the fact that they break these sets into volumes. Didn't this show lasted over 7 seasons? Jeez. Still, I wish I knew which season had the purple Smurf episode. Freaky ep.


Also on DVD we have the worst Superbowl since the last time Dallas won. It's probably just highlights crap anyway. Be sure to read the reviews where 99 percent will say stuff like "HAW BELICHEAT CHOKED THE GIANTS RULLED! THE PATRIOTS SUKC!" Frankly I'm willing to pretend this season never happened.

I was going to cry foul on this color Honeymooners set, but it's for the later episodes, not colorized classics. I've never seen these so I don't know how good they are.

First they took away planet Pluto, and I said nothing. Now they're going to take away the penny. Sure, they probably should, but what else are they going to take?

I don't think I've ever seen an episode of Riptide, but I have seen commercials for it and recognize it as that show with the ant robot. Is the robot like the comedy relief, or does he help solve crimes, or what?

Another Justice League set? How many iterations of this show are there?


In video game news we have Destroy All Humans for the Wii. I'm glad that the Wii is getting more games from more companies but I wish that it would get exclusive games and not Playstation 2 repeats. (Then again, I have to laugh that the Wii's biggest competitor is the XBox 360 and the PS2 and not the PS3.)

Another Bubble Bobble for the DS. The first one was apparently broken, so I guess they're trying again.

I wish I would play more adventure games like this. And Then There was None for the Wii may or may not be a good game, but it could be. It would be funny if the company decided to spruce up the novel and turned it into a Alone in the Dark ripoff.

Projects I Will Complete Someday #3

Hey look, I'm updating the blog on a not Monday and a Not Tuesday. How about that?

Anyway, I was thinking today about something I thought up last year (I think it was last year.) I had gone up to Delaware with my parents, and we saw signs for a few old museums. My parents mentioned to me that I should start a website and post about all the small museums we passed. It sounded like a neat idea but I doubt my attention span would have lasted long enough to make it to the third museum.

Later that day or the next we went to Ocean City. Along the trip I noticed several, and I mean SEVERAL miniature golf courses. Not just ordinary ones, but really fancy ones. There was a ice golf course which has been there for a while. The whole thing is white and shaped like glaciers. Other ones that I haven't noticed before (but it had been a while since our last trip to Ocean City) included a pirate theme with a large boat, and a volcano theme. Both of the golf courses included waterfalls with bright red or bright blue water. Forget museums. I wanted to go to all the golf courses we passed on our trip.

That leads to the project I had in mind. I want to go to all the golf courses in the U.S. Seriously, that would make a great blog. I would travel across the country with a camera, a video camera, a laptop, maybe a gps, and a couple friends. I mentioned this to Lita and she admitted that it was a fun idea.

I have to admit that this is very unlikely to happen. (Then again, I have yet to do the other two side projects that I mentioned, so maybe I'll get something done just to make up for my wasted free time.) Still, maybe I should register for another blogger account. One day I'll have to do some number crunching. I'll have to do this before some rich college graduates steal my idea!

Black History Month Essay #7

My essay is about Laurence Tureaud, but it's Mr. T to you. He is best known for helping people to save money while calling collect, but he is also well known for his infinite compassion.

Mr T was born in Chicago, Illinois. He lived in the rough part of the city so he bulked up and played football, he wrestled, and he studied martial arts. Before he went to serve in the army, he tried out for the Packers, but fate denied him from becoming the coolest NFL player ever.

After returning from his job as a military officer, Laurence rejected his slave name and became a bouncer. He used this opportunity to express his views on gold standard by wearing various chains around his neck.

He was a bouncer for various stars, and he protected all of them well, except for Sylvester Stallone. Their fall-out was brutal and well documented in a feature film. (There is no truth to the smear that Mr. T suckered punched Alf. The details about his meeting with Gary Coleman are still sketchy.)

After this Mr. T's starred in D.C. Cab, a political thriller about the assassination attempt on Reagan. But Mr. T wasn't just a serious actor. He also represented his country at the first Wrestlemania. He and Hulk Hogan triumphed to win the belt from the Russians, and this was a great blow against the crumbling USSR.

Around this time Mr. T was training a diverse group of gymnasts. They had several adventures and the footage of this was rotoscoped for Saturday mornings. The secret of that show was that Mr. T wrestled a different alligator each week. Despite this, Mr. T still found time to star in his most famous role of the decade. That, of course, is as himself in his motivational video, "Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool!"

Impressed producers cast him in The A-Team, wear he starred as B.A. Barracus. B.A. referred to his character's degree, because Mr. T was always encouraging kids to get an education. He also expressed his wise views on the show about airplane security.

At the end of the eighties Mr. T was now starring in T. and T, aka The Bride of Mr. T. Sadly this was Mr. T's last television show for a while because he had a new, deadlier foe to fight in the nineties. Still, Mr. T is known for fighting everybody, so cancer was no problem for him.

In this decade Mr T got a show about helping people. "I Bleed For The Fool" was popular, but a bit too messianic so it only lasted a season. This probably explains the reason why Judgment wasn't a hit, despite the scene where T wrestles with Satan. Then again, maybe audiences felt down that Satan won, even though he clearly cheated.

Mr T has three children, the youngest being T Junior. America has great hopes for him.

In conclusion, next to God, Mr. T has the greatest set of Ten Commandments.

This Week In Entertainment (2/18/08)

Today's Pick of the Day is the fourth Ace Attorney game for the DS. It stars a new lawyer named Apollo Justice. I love the Phoenix Wright games so I'll eventually pick this one up.


In theaters we have a comedy named Be Kind Rewind where Jack Black accidently erases a bunch of movies and decides to film cheapo replacements. I'm not a Jack Black fan but the premise looks interesting.

Did we really need another Larry The Cable Guy movie? Click on the link and prepare to moan at the title.

On DVD is Volume 1 (STOP DOING THAT!) of the most recent He-Man series. I didn't think it lasted long enough to be broken into more than one volume.

Black History Month Essay #6

My essay is about Whoopi Goldberg. She is the woman responsible for bringing man and dinosaur together, but that's only a fraction of what she's has done for our planet.

Whoopi was born Caryn Elaine Johnson in 1955. She changed her last name to Goldberg because Jew jokes were popular by the time she became a comedian. Whoopi came from her friends when they compared her to a whoopee cushion. There's no truth to the rumor that she gets what they meant by that.

During her first few appearances in films and theater Steven Spielberg thought she would be great in his film about Prince. Eventually The Color Purple was changed to be based on a novel of a black woman in the thirties, which critics felt was a wise choice. There is truth to the rumor that Spielberg is planning to take out all the yucky scenes and replace them with Whoopi stomping on grapes to make the best wine ever. Whoopi didn't win an Oscar for her role but her Golden Globe Award puts her in fine company as other actresses like Pia Zadora.

Despite her prestigious award her movie career hit a slump. Even after films like Jumpin' Jack Flash, The Telephone, and Burglar, she was forced to get a role on television. Well, back in the sixties Whoopi saw an episode of Star Trek and was proud to see that the Uhura character was a black woman who wasn't a maid. When she got her groundbreaking role on Star Trek: The Next Generation, people could now see a black woman as a bartender on television. Truly times have changed.

This reenergized her career and led to her role in Ghost. She was finally given an Oscar after she agreed not to be involved with the pottery wheel scene. She hit her stride in the early nineties and released two movies that taught America that nuns can be funny. The movies were so popular that nuns had to drop the habits, similar to goalies dropping the masks after the Friday the 13th series.

Whoopi was huge at this time. She did guestwork as Gaia in the Captain Planet series , which taught us that enviromentalism means swift retribution to anybody who doesn't respect the planet. She also did the voice of a hyena in the Lion King, an injoke because now she was the one that was laughing! Unfortunately, her ego got big and led to the biggest mistake of her career. She started dating Ted Danson and the both made the film Made in America. Federal Law prevents me from discussing them or this movie anymore.

Whoopi was ordered to make a PSA as her punishment, and this is when she made Theodore Rex. This film, about the prejudices between man and reptile, proves that all films are created equal. It's just that some are more worthy to be released in the theaters than others.

Eddie was going to restart Whoopi's career in the later nineties, but that turned out to be Bogus. It wasn't until she costarred in How Stella Got her Groove back that people started to remember her. This led her to get the center square in The Hollywood Squares, where the celebrities were so good that they were often picked more than her.

In the 00s, she starred in films like The Rat Race, where some mad mad people traveled the world for a prize. She later got her own sitcom that made audiences laugh about how obnoxious some people can be with their political views. This only lasted a year because the writers were already burnt out after making a season of great episodes. Whoopi also voiced a role in an animated penguin movie, since they were so popular for kids in the mid 00s.

Later Whoopi landed a chair on The View to the delight of all the political bloggers. Whoopi loves this show because she can get real drunk and still look like a genius next to Joy Behar.

Whoopi's career speaks for itself. It's so long and distinguished, that you can see why my essay is a day late. Clearly, you can't take off a letter grade because the extra time was worth it.

This Week In Entertainment (2/11/08)

Today's Pick of the Week is the first in a series of farming video games. I've never played Harvest Moon for the SNES for more than a few minutes but I love some of the later games. I've kind of burned out on the series but I would buy a Wii version if it has online capabilities.

In theaters this week, stop me if you've heard this one before: George Romero makes a zombie movie....


On DVD we have George of the Jungle: The Complete Series. This cartoon was made by the same man who created Bullwinkle, and it's very funny.

I know nothing about this movie, but the title seems appropriate for Thursday.

I've never seen this movie but I'm poining it out because it features a pre-freak Michael Jackson.

Watch the variety show of a man who now insures his chest hair!

POKEMON! Seriously, how many episodes does this show have? I thought I watched the first season but this set seems to have a different premise. Do these sets have the lost episodes because that would be the only reason to buy these things.

I grew up with the Beatrix Potter books. Peter Rabbit and Benjamin Bunny once got stuck in a water pot with onions while hiding from a cat. Silly rabbits.

I love Batman The Animated Series, but I've never seen any of the full length features. I guess I should someday. Here's Subzero and Mask of the Phantasm in one set.

Wow, this will keep everyone awake. It's a dvd about recycling. Don't forget to reuse the dvd as a...uh, frisbee I guess.


It's the continuing adventures of...BIBLEMAN!!!!!!


In the late nineties my family and I became huge Jackie Chan fans. Operation Condor (I think) had a fun fight where Jackie took on some amazon warriors and got his butt kicked after punching one of them in her breasts. I still have yet to see Drunken Master.

Lastly, I have to say that I miss Earnest movies. Not because I've seen any, but because I think the Simpsons was a better show when they were telling Earnest jokes. Can the downfall of the Simpsons be blamed on the death of Jim Varney? No, the writers should be blamed, but Jim Varney is missed.

Sunday, Lazy Sunday (2/10/08)

Today I watched The King of Kongs: Fistful of Quarters. Good movie, even if it does focus on a bunch of dorks. Hey, I love video games and I've played my fair share, but competitive arcade gaming? Huh.

This film really made Billy Mitchell look like a collosal jerk, and I was ready to kick him if I ever met him, but afterwards I did a little research and the referee guy (I think) poined out some problems with the way the documentary was cut. Also left out was the fact that Steve Wiebe still owns the Donkey Kong Jr score, which was brought up but never mentioned again. I guess if Billy beats that we'll have a King of Kong Jr. movie.

I'm sorry for focusing on the negative. I like how the film poined out that there was a Kill Screen and how Steve prepared himself. I think that anybody who never played a video game can at least understand the underdog vs champ story that the documentary goes for. I hate to admit it, but I was a little emotional at the end. (Then I played one of the DVD features and found out that the ending has since been nullified. Let that be a lesson to you: Never try.)

You know the sad part? I would pay money to see Billy Mitchell's perfect Pac-Man game and the best Donkey Kong score of both guys.



In other news The University of Maryland is going to be crowded tomorrow. Barack Obama is going to visit during the afternoon. Since it seems like he might win the presidency by default, I should probably take a peak at him, but I think I'll pass. Hopefully it won't take hours to leave.



The Redskins have a new coach, and he's some guy. Way to go, Snyder!

I've got nothing.

I wanted to update today, but I've got nothing.

I'm just going to play Chip's Challenge while you read this blog. It's the best game ever, so there.

Hey you, it's me.

Just a reminder to you, which is me, Tork, that today is Ash Wednesday. Now you, Tork, should remember not to go to the food court today or else you'll forget what today it is, which is Ash Wednesday, and that you shouldn't order any meat. I, and I'm Tork, should just wait till after work.

Got that? Good.

Black History Month Essay #5

Do not disparage the great man who I am about to write about, for he is Jaleel Rufus White. His many triumphs will be revealed in my essay.

Jaleel was born in 1976 in Pasadena, California. Despite the little old ladies he grew up to be a fine young child actor. Jaleel's father was a dentist, and he would remind his son to smile during a commercial shooting by pulling out a dental drill.

Jaleel's early starts were numerous. He starred in a Kelloggs commercial and he performed admirably despite the constant whir sound. He got his first start on a television show by appearing on Flip Wilson. There is no truth to the rumor that Satan forced him. Jaleel wasn't always successful, and suffered a humiliating snub when he failed to be cast for Saved By the Bell. This will always be one of the Entertainment Industry's biggest What If? scenarios.

Jaleel bounced back and by the nineties he starred in what turned out to be his trademark role. Everybody loved his voice for Sonic the Hedgehog, including people who wouldn't creep you out. Jaleel showed his diverse talent by voicing a Sonic for a goofy weekday show, a Sonic for a more serious Saturday show, and a Sonic show that was written when people were starting to get tired of the games. Jaleel could take Captain Lou Albano in a fight.

Jaleel also had a cereal in the nineties. It was called Urkel-Os and was made thanks to his ties to Kelloggs. Of course, everybody thought it was stupid to have a cereal mascot with no history, so Kelloggs got ABC to force this new character into Full House. He didn't fit there, but he proved popular enough to appear in other shows. Finally they just created a show called "That Urkel Show", and eased his character into that. It was officially called something else, but only the producers remember the original name.

"Thank Goodness It's Friggen-Good-Cereal" made more money for Urkel than he knew what to do with. Sadly he spent most of his money on painkillers because he had to bend his knees and hike his pants up so often. Critics and fans alike started to realize his character wasn't as funny when he was thirty-three, so the show was finally cancelled. White was broke and had already made powerful enemies. (At his high school, Middlesex, he got several students angry at him when they mistakenly thought he was a nerd. Matt Damon was his arch-nemesis.)

Like all people who were desperate for money, any money, he had a sitcom on UPN. This didn't last long nor his affair with Soleil Moon Frye. He did get some work as the definitive voice of Martin Luther King Jr in My Friend Martin, though. Later he got a role in the political documentary Who Made the Potatoe Salad? Critics were split over whether Dan Quayle jokes were still funny.

Jaleel has had a remarkable career and is a fine American. His fans will see what should be one of his finest roles in the film Green Flash, where he will play Jason Bootie. I'm sure we will all see it this year and look at what he did.

This Week In Entertainment (2/4/08)

I'm picking MST3k Volume 10.2 for Pick of the Week. It's the infamous set that was quickly pulled because Rhino didn't have the rights to Godzilla vs Megalon. Instead, we get Giant Gila Monster, which I haven't seen. Also included is Swamp Diamonds (haven't seen), Giant Spider Invasion (spider car!), and Teenage Strangler. The latter two are pretty good and I've been wanting to see Swamp Diamonds.


Also out on DVD is Perfect Strangers Seasons One and Two. I used to love this show as a kid but I'm sure I would be embarrassed by it now.

Snow Buddies was advertised during the Puppy Bowl. It's a terrible looking kids movie about talking puppies. Did you know that the original Air Bud hasn't been around for a while?

Here's the way Shakespeare intended Romeo and Juliet. With monkeys.

The Phantom Creeps is public domain, so why not release it on DVD? It'll simplify everything for serial fans.


On the Virual Console is Columns 3: Revenge of Columns. Question 1: What are we avenging here? Question 2: What happened to Columns 2?

FINALLY!

Art Monk is finally in the Hall of Fame. It only took them eight or so tries to get it right. This is huge for me because he was my favorite player of the early 90s. I don't think anyone has really replaced him for me.

Also in the Hall of Fame this year is Darrell Green. He's an obvious choice and I'm glad he got in on his first try but if it was just him and not Monk I would have still been angry.

This is great news for the Skins at a time where the team's future is about to go south.

Final Football Game of Spring of '08

If you've read my archives, you may have noticed that I was way more interested in last year's Superbowl. It gave me the opportunity to talk about my favorite Skins team. This year I just don't care. I have up on my posts about football halfway through. I feel better about this game now that Dallas and San Diego are out of it, but I still don't really care. I'll tape it and the Puppy Bowl on Sunday. But I'll most likely be focusing on work while the game is on.

I pick the Pats because I just think the AFC is superior to the NFC. Giants may have looked good since these teams last met, and they may make a game out of it, but I can't see the Pats losing. The Pats, Jaguars, Colts, and Chargers are way better than the Cowboys, Packers, and Bucs. Also, the two week break will probably mess with the momentum the Giants had. We'll see, but I'm sure that the Pat fans will shut up the Dolphin fans.


Week 17: 8-8
Season total: 165-94 (.637)
Playoffs: 6-4