Special guest appearance by...

I was mentioned in a podcast today. Clearly my media empire is growing.


Or, I submitted content for a podcast.


GoNintendo is about the only video game blog I visit. The guy who runs the site invites his friends to do a podcast during weekends. The last part of the nerdy show has users submit video game songs that the group tries to guess at. I submitted a song and stumped the crew because I picked a game that nobody likes.

The link is here. Go to the last ten minutes or fifteen minutes and you'll reach the music section.



I also contributed a dumb joke to episode 179. About 30 minutes in the girlfriend of the main guy says "Bob Bobbington." I was in the official chat room as the podcast was going live and I said that as a joke.

It was just not-bacon!!!

I didn't hear any of you hypocrites jump over Bill Corbett when he denounced bacon last year. How soon you forget when your guy is no longer in office!

Also, I assume Mike ate not-bacon because I think he's Catholic and the poor dope forgot he wasn't suppose to eat meat on Ash Wednesday or today.

Black History Month Essay #12

This essay is about Pam "Rosie" Grier, who is best known for her work in The Thing With Two Heads. She never got to meet Ray Milland, though, due to bluescreen.

Pam was born in 1949 in Salem, North Carolina. She went to beauty contests to pay her way into college. Unfortunately for her, this all ended tragically when she moved to California and got a job at AIP.

Naturally she started appearing in horribly cheap movies. Her first film was Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, which Roger Ebert only wrote so he could criticize the writing in movies. Things got even worst as Roger Corman started giving her roles. She appeared in Women In Prison films. She was the one who held Barbie and moved her around in "The Big Doll House", a rare family WIP film. These tend not to work out so well, and "The Big Bird Cage" also flopped.

Her career reversed course and started digging upward as she appeared in Coffy. This film was a comedy about guys sitting around talking about what they like their women to be like. She next appeared in "Foxy Brown", an unusual film about a person not yet born who adopted a musical style not yet created. Despite that, she became popular enough to start appearing in a hot new genre that experts thought would last forever. "Friday Foster" and "Sheba, Baby" were both Blaxploitation films about a woman who would blow away pimps but only after she found someone to take care of her children.

Unfortunately for Pam word got out that she knew Roger Corman, and her career went into decline at the end of the seventies. For the rest of the eighties she was stuck doing appearances on sitcoms like Night Court. While this was humiliating it did help her eventually get a role in "The Original Gangstas." She appeared in other blockbuster comedies like Mars Attack!, a film made when one producer bet another one that he could make a movie that wasted as much talent as possible.

She became popular enough that a red hot Quentin Taratino decided to put her in one of his films. This movie was Pluto Nash, but the end result was so bad that it was shelved for 5 years and Quentin made a quickie apology movie for Pam called "Jackie Brown."

Nowadays you can find Pam on The L Word, one of the 26 spinoffs of Sesame Street. Her character is popular but she is unconfortable from time to time in a role where she can't blow away the druggie muppets.

Clearly Ms. Grier makes a case that you can have a long, successful career as long as you stay away from Corman and Tarantino.

This Week In Entertainment (2/23/09)

My Pick of the Week may be the final Futurama movie. Let's hope this isn't the end but let's also hope that if they bring this franchise back (again) they go back to a 22 minute format.

Also out on DVD this week is a DVD about a really old newspaper comic. Or at least some cheap movies about it. Did you know this thing has been running in papers since 1918? No wonder why the print media is dying!

I didn't like this Super Bowl when it was called Super Bowl 36, and I didn't like this Super Bowl when it was called Super Bowl 42.

In theaters this week is the latest Street Fighter movie. What, you didn't know there was more than one? You're missing out! Despite what anybody tells you, the animated movie sucks and the Raul Julia movie is great!


Out on the Wii this week is Dead Rising: Chop Till You Drop. Insert "Har har, Wii can't have as many zombies onscreen" joke here.

Black History Month Essay #11

My essay is about LeVar Burton. He is best known for his ability to cause earthquakes, and that's about it.

LeVar was born in the good half of Germany in 1957. He was raised with his two sisters by his mom, who was an English teacher. Without any evidence I can only assume that she was hot.

In the seventies he started his career in acting. He landed a role that made him famous as Cap. Jackson in Looking for Mr. Goodbar. Unfortunately he was worried about being seen as a candy bar seller, so he took a more serious role. No would make fun of him after he landed on a show named Rebop.

He also took the role of Kunta Kinte on a television series named Roots. Roots was about a bunch of system administrators and LeVar used his codename "Toby" to hack some very secure computers. This role won him admiration among geeks and helped him land the ultra-dork role of Lt. Geordi LaForge on Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Also in the eighties LeVar was able to land a role on Reading Rainbow. His intentions were good but no kid ever read a book featured on the show. They just loved the theme song. Also, a scandal broke out when it turned out that LeVar didn't read the book about how magic rings don't exist and even if they did, random earthquakes don't really help the enviroment.

These set backs really hurt LeVar's career. He ended up directing episodes of Star Trek: Voyager and Enterprise. He even appeared on Family Guy!

Despite this, LeVar has had a very worthwhile career. His greatest accomplishment was curing his pinkeye by wearing an air filter. Truly he has taught me that I can be anything.

This Week In Entertainment (2/16/09)

My Pick of the Week is the latest Fire Emblem game for the DS. I have yet to buy a FE game despite the fact that my friend Lita has recommended them all. I'm kind of a jerk. Hopefully this time I'll be a good friend and pick this up.


In other entertainment we have a book (A BOOK?!) about the death of Batman. It's like we've been losing all our heroes this decade.


In DVDs we have the latest movie that makes me wonder what the heck is with teens. Then I realize I'm old.

A movie about me, I see.

Once the current Hollywood way of making movies collapses (and it will, I hope) they should bring back the all-star Irwin Allen disaster film just for the sake of humiliating the stars.

Didn't Dinosaurs have a show like this within the show?


Also out on the DS this week is Dragon WARRIOR V. Oh sure, some revisionists may call it Quest now, but we all know what the title really is.

My confession

I've never played a StarFox game outside of Star Fox Adventure, which isn't a real Star Fox game.


I've never played a Fire Emblem game even though Lita's bugged me to do so. I'm kind of a jerk towards her.


I haven't owned a Pokemon game since the original red one. The series is too simplistic to have any depth necessary for RPGs.


I only played two Virtual Boy games. The tennis one and one of the flight games. Those were both in stores because even I knew that system was bad.


I never owned a Nintendo 64. My sister does.


I have a Game Boy Advance, but I was never a big fan of it. The DS is better, but I haven't been a huge fan of Nintendo portable games since the Game Boy days.


I own Super Princess Peach. Insert embarrassed cough here.


I used to have a crush on the cartoon Zelda. You know, the one who wore pink shorts? That one.


I've played every non-CDI Zelda game except for Four Swords Adventurers.


I haven't played a Kirby game since Kirby 2. There's just too many to keep track of and the games are so easy.


I never owned a Donkey Kong Country game. I downloaded the first two for VC.


I hate hate hated the first Pokemon movie. Gave up on Pokemon anime after that.


Kid Icarus isn't a very good game.


Instead of using R.O.B., I would put the controller on the floor and press the red or blue plunger with my feet to play Gyromite. I like that game.


The Wii is a good system but I still rate it below the NES, SNES, and GC for the moment.


Is that a good start?

Black History Month Essay #10

My essay is about Vivica A Fox. She is best known as the spokeswoman for Batman and Robin, but she is still a worthwhile person.

Vivica started her acting career on such soap operas like Days of Our Lives. There is truth to the rumor that that show will outlive us all. Later she was cast for a role on an ABC show called Living Dolls. Even though she was replaced after the pilot the stench of being on a Who's The Boss? spin-off hurt her early career and forced her to guest star on several more sitcoms.

After her critically acclaimed appearances helped her to land several important roles. Kids learned a lot just from the title of Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood. Booty Call taught us about phone etiquette. And critics uniersally praised her for her stereotype-shattering character of Ms. B Haven in Batman and Robin.

You'd think people would get tired of her stuffing messages down their throats, but she continued to make these kind of movies. She starred in a instructional film about alarm clocks in Set It Off. Later Vivica appeared in the film Soul Food, a film used to promote Ecto-Cooler. She even taught us about freedom in her role as a flame-retarded superhero in Independence Day.

Tired of her moralizing, the public sent Uma Thurman to kill her. Uma was jealous of Vivica after Viv stole every scene she was in in Batman and Robin. This fight was filmed and appears in Kill Bill, Vol. 1. Despite the fact that Vivica was killed, no one ever dies in Hollywood.

She couldn't just jump back into her career, so she starred in a Canadian show appropriately called Missing. When she made her comeback she did it with style. I'm referring to, of course, her reality show Glam God.

Vivica's career is still going strong. She will appear in an upcoming movie called Junkyard Dog, costarring Duane Chapman. Another one of her films is Caught on Tape, which is still floating around on the internet. Truly she's a great actress.

There is no truth to the rumor that I phoned this essay in.

Whoops.

I guess I don't check my own blog enough. I'll get back to Mickey later. Sorry about that!

Is Tork who he says he is?

Are you now, or have you ever been a Nintendo whore, Torkel J. Torkensten?


I've recently uncovered a horrible secret. An online friend of mine, who claims to be a Nintenerd, has only played halfway through Super Mario 3, has never played Donkey Kong Country, and has yet to play his way through several of the modern era Zelda games.

Granted, I have never played Donkey Kong Country or any recent Zelda games....however, I've never claimed to be a Nintendo Whore.


So it's time Tork comes clean: I want a list of every major well known Nintendo game that you have yet to play, won't play, or only played partway through. I want to know what famous characters in Nintendo's history you're unfamilliar with (Mahy of the people on Brawl? I have no idea). And most importantly, what Pokemon would taste best and what wine should he be served with?

You want a challenge for your blog? You keep running out of ideas? Well here's one for ya....and if you don't accept, you're a commie!

This Week In Entertainment (2/9/09)

I love this stupid movie. So sue me. My Pick of the Week is the Street Fighter movie starring Raul Julia in one of his last roles. I have this movie on DVD but I'm almost curious about what the extreme version has. Does it have a clip of the upcoming Chun Li movie? Does it have a clip of Street Fighter IV? Man, imagine this movie being linked to either of those.

Also out on DVD is My Name is Bruce. Bruce Campbelll was fun on Xena and his narration for the Spider-Man video games so I wouldn't mind watching a movie directed by him.

This cover creeps me out. I admit it.

How long was this stupid show on for, anyway?

At first I was hoping this video was about making your own arcade cabinet, but it seems to be a bunch of parodies. So, pick ten random newgrounds cartoons and you'll probably have the same quality for free.


Out in theaters this week is Friday the 13th. I don't get Valentine's Day.

How is it that Disney hasn't sued the blood out of the maker's of this film?


Out on the Wii this week is The House of Dead: Overkill. It's a rail first person shooter. I saw the trailer last night and it had a stripper as one of the people shooting up zombies. Can someone please explain to me why you would want to mix sex with gory violence?

On the DS is Retro Game Challenge. I thought I mentioned this earlier but here's a game that mixes a bunch of Famicom like mini-games together, or something. I'm not sure. Seems interesting.

Even I run out of ideas.

To make up for the lack of updates this week, here's a picture of kitties.

Black History Month Essay #9

My essay is about Richard Roundtree. He is best known for being the Lincoln of the seventies.

Richard was born on July 9th, 1942 in New Rochelle, NY. It was a very complicated birth. His mother later described it as giving birth to a machine. Shut up.

As a young adult Richard attended Souther Illinois University on a football scholarship. He would later give up a career in athletics because the touchdowns gave him the creeps. Instead he became a model with the Ebony Fashion Fair before joining the Negro Ensemble Company in 1967. Seriously, shut up.

He made his debut in the movie that put him on the map, "What Do You Say to a Naked Lady?" Turned out he didn't have to say a damn thing, and that made him a star. Around this time a fringe movie industry exploded, so Richard was set to star in a movie called Shaft, but the producers wimped out at the last moment. The altered film has it's defenders, including aliens. Leftover scripts led to the sequel "Shaft's Big Score!" Be quiet.

Even though the cut scenes were lost to time, it's clear that Richard's sexuality was out of control. He got the nickname Earthquake at this time. Seeking a more serious role, he made "Shaft in Africa" as an excuse to study the continent. This led to his role in "Roots." Damn right.

[Shaft In Africa is in no way endorsed by Tork's Blog. Yuck.]

Richard was so popular in the seventies that he was being paid in diamonds, and he peaked at the end of the decade with "Game for Vultures", a film about the video game "Phoenix". Unfortunately, things took a turn for the worst when the seventies ended and everybody was tired from all the sex and the subgenre went to geeks and nerds. Richard tried to bring new ideas to The Love Boat, but it didn't work out and his career suffered. Richard tried to take out his frustration on Ichon, but that didn't help. He was as stable as a maniac cop as he went from his fame to the crack house, but he never copped out.

In the nineties he made a comeback by being a head of the curve. In Se7en, he brought bad computer spelling to the masses. He got more roles, including a unique role where he was the only person in the nineties to laugh at Thomas Haden Church. The nineties were filled with remakes, and Richard made "The Original Gangstas", a new take on the Little Rascal shorts. Dig?

In the turn of the century Richard's career revival landed him in a dream role. Appearing in a Chris Kattan film was one of the highlights of Richard's career, and it helped him get a role in the remake of Shaft. The remake is about...who cares?! Isn't Samuel L Jackson the coolest?! He had a purple lightsabre, gosh darnit!

Richard Roundtree still continues to make films. One of his upcoming movies is The Bitter Earth, a PSA about what not to lick. This will be followed by Spats, which is about what not to wear.

Richard Roundtree had a great career, and this essay has shown that he was truly the great emancipator. To this day, though, very few people understand him.

This Week In Entertainment (2/1/09)

My Pick of the Week is the latest MST3k collection from Shout Factory. The usual overpriced collection of four episodes include Mad Monster, Soul Taker, Manhunt in Space, and Final Justice. It includes an interview with punching bag Joe Estevez and Greydon Clark! Also some clips from some episode of Cheap Seats.


Also out this week on DVD is the 1990 Columbo movies. I guess I need to sit down and watch the 1989 movies now.


In theaters this week is the second of the Steve Martin Pink Panther movies. The first one of his was ok, but since I haven't seen any of the real Pink Panther movies, I have no idea how badly he's mangled the series. By the way, February is a bad movie dumping ground. Just saying.

Fanboys is a movie about people going to see The Phantom Menace. I bet they steal a scene from The Producers when they poin the camera at the fanboys faces.

This is how you get me to see Chocolat. You add plenty of action!


Back to DVDs, we have this tribute to Jason Voorhees. Say, is there a remake coming out anytime soon?

So, what ever happened to Harry Anderson?

Can a movie really be a camp classic if it wasn't meant to be campy? I assume Mommie Dearest was meant to be serious.


On the Wii we have an Ultimate Shooter Collection. I love how the description on this page avoids mentioning what the name of the games are.