At the risk of sounding crazy

This blogger is going to pretend that it's already 2013.

Yep, good ol' '13.  Good to get that awful 2012 out of the way. 

My Bold Prediction for Next Year

Don't Be Evol.

It won't be the end of the world.  But it'll make us wish it was.

Well, crap then.

Dan Orlovsky* may have cost the Colts Andrew Luck.

Huh.

Well, I think we all know what this means.

Dan Orlovsky with Rex Grossman as a backup.  I'm already prepared for it.



* And the refs.

Teen Idols

I was poking through a website that had a collection of pictures from the ultra-trashy Maury Povich show.  One of the episodes apparently had a teen girl who stated that her idol was Snooki. 


Yeesh.  When I was a teen my idols were 90s Jim Carrey and David Crane.



Edit:  Also, every reaction shot from the crowd has people looking shocked.  Umm, how many different types of "let's take a paternity test" can there be?  I have got to see this movie someday.

Tonight, the lights are off in North Korea

Oh wait, that's how it was all the time under Kim Il-Jong.  My mistake!

Tork Blog Athlete of the Day!

Congrats, Dan, on getting a win!  You're not an idiot.  You could play on my team any week!

(Except the Redskins when they've long eliminated themselves from the bottom five draft picks.)

You have one more win under your belt than John Beck.  And if you win another game, you'll tie the legendary Chris Weinke.

Finally, a board game for me.

C-jump

Oh, Think Geek!  Just when I think you're a collection of horrible Internet memes, you do something like this and almost redeem yourself.

Eh, who am I kidding.  I know I'll end up getting this a Cannoo.

This weekend.

I have yet to see this movie, though I read about it at Agony Booth. Supposedly the gang is going to read actual letters sent to Rifftrax HQ, so it should be fun.

Hope to see you there. Whichever day I show up.

Just to pile on the Capitals...

How the hell did he miss?!?!  This is the worst moment of my sports watching career.  I'm going to die before seeing the Caps get back to the semi-finals let alone finals.

The worst part is we probably would have only lost the Stanley Cup Finals four games to one instead of four games to zero.  Still, EFFF this game.

Poor Bruce

Maybe you were just the Marty Schottenheimer of the NHL: You're great one part of the season, but you fold quickly when it really matters.  But the important thing is, while the team fired you today, I fired you a long time ago!


Tork's Blog welcomes cheap shot artist Dale Hunter as the Caps new head coach.  At least he knew what it was like to get to the semi-finals round (twice) and beyond (once).

Hey, about that Stats feature?

Interesting...wait, what was "For no good reason..."?

Ah, cheesecake.  But why would this be the biggest post entry of lately?

.......

OH, YUCK!   Nobody touch this blog.  You might get hepatitis.


This is the worst week of my life.  The worst.

Money's too tight for steak.

Sorry, just learned today that things are going to have to change around here.

#1 -  We're going back to the old title.  Except I can't afford apostrophes anymore.

#2 - Co-contributers are going to have to write for free.  I don't get a paycheck, neither do you.

#3 -  No more Simpsons references.  Those royalty checks are expensive, man, and you know how much it costs to make a 25 year old show go on.  For now on, original jokes. 

#4 - Do you like advertisements?  I sure hope someone does!  (Brought to you by Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.)

#4b  I didn't get any money from Kraft, but I hope if I do that often enough someone will give me money.

#5  I apologize if I sound any more bitter than the past year in future posts.  I hope to continue making content that has nothing to do about personal life crap that no one cares about.

#6  I should go straight to heaven for not punching the guy who invented the word "funemployment" in the face.

Boy, look at the time.

I sure have produced a lot of great content, haven't I?

A Scary Story

Ok, on Sunday I was cleaning my room when I found an envelope.  It was one from my credit union.  So, I opened thinking that it was yet another thing asking me to buy some insurance.  But instead, it was a new ATM card!  My previous credit union ATM card had expired three months ago and I wasn't even aware! 


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!


Luckily, I didn't have to activate it or anything.  It was good to go.   But let this be a warning to you! 

Back to the Future....4!

I remember long ago when the Internet was young...well not that young, but 1999-2002 was a long time ago, right?  Anyway, there was a Back to the Future 4 website, with a picture hinting at Doc Brown and Clara having a new adventure.  Well, it obviously never happened.  Probably for the best, since it's really Michael J. Fox's series, and he was already suffering from Parkinson's Disease.  The only chance at new Back to the Future adventures was the animated series, which I think is still not available.

But it was not over for the series.  Telltale Games, which is the Lucas Arts of its time, has made several series of episodic click and pick adventure games.  20 bucks for this Wii title.  I'd love to own a Back to the Future game that doesn't suck.  (Still bitter, NES version.  And I only rented you.)


Oh, and I still want a hoverboard. 

The Washington Wizards Basketball Team

Oh yeah, people realized that basketball has sucked since Jordan left so they cancelled the season.  Haw!

The Washington Redskins Football Team

Just get it over with and hire Rypien's daughter to QB your team.  

(By the way, how does this league even work?  I can only imagine the fans showing up to the games wearing trenchcoats.)

The Washington Capitals Hockey Team

Please don't do this.  Please, please don't.

Please don't get the top seed for the third straight year, before failing to make your own conference finals.  Don't.  Either be a legit team or just fail now.  I can't take another punch in the stomach by you guys.

Kiss...Marty Schottenheimer's...Ring

Marty Schottenheimer finally won a championship game in a pro football league.  Oh sure, the UFL may not be the NFL, and it may have just cut its season from 6 games to 4, and it's in millions of dollars of debt...


The important thing is that the Virginia Destroyers are the UFL champs, and Marty has a ring.  (This league does give rings, right?)

Marty got a ring before Snyder or the Chargers.  Haw!

Exclusive photo*: Tork's blog contributor pesters major celebrity about doing a parody of "Mistyboy's an Idiot"

*exclusive except for everywhere else I've posted it

So, this is a thing

Huh.  On the plus side, they released all the Columbia shorts on DVD.  And no Sean Penn.

Edit:  I think I have my fat comedians mixed up.  Disregard previous thing here.

6...


5...


4...

3...


2...


1....


I'm alive!  Now let's never talk about these last few posts again.

12...

11...


Homer went blind.  I think I lost all my senses.

10...

25...

Breathing...is...terrible...all...I...wanted...to...do...was...poke...fun...at...some...dumb...people...

24....

31...

I'm out of aspirin!  I'm out of gatdamn aspirin!

30...

29...

41...

Think of what I could have done with the money I didn't earn from work today!  Someone please stop me!

40...

39...

44...

My arm.  My arm.  Myarm!

43...

42...

67...

66...

I.  I have to go to work.  But I can't stop what I started...

65...

76...

My chest.  This is awful.

75...

74...

85...

I don't feel too good...

84...

83...

92...

91...

90...

I am the 99

slices of American cheese eater!

99...

98...

97...

Concerning one Hank Williams, Jr.

Dummy.

And no, one's free speech doesn't trump another's free speech or freedom to associate.


So what have we learned?

Never share your political opinions.  Because it'll always turn out to be dumb.  In fact, if you feel the compulsion to share your political opinions with others, you're most likely really immature. 

What I've been up to lately.

I've been thinking about the future.  Now, contrary to what those of you who love and adore me may think, I won't live forever.  So I'm doing what anybody in my position would do:  I'm giving my money to talented people who may actually do something. 

In this case, I've made pledges to three different kickstarter projects.  Kickstarter makes me nervous because I'm worried I'll give money to a scam artist, but for now I think I made some good choices.  The above clip is a promo to three different documentaries.  The man has already made a documentary about text adventure games and an old Internet bulletin board system, and I got a coin for contributing the former.  (Haven't seen the latter.)  I've pledged enough to the current project that I'll receive a credit in all three proposed documentaries.  How about that?  I may get an entry in the Internet Movie Database.*

* -  Nah.  I'll just have my name listed among a sea of others at the end of each documentary.  Still cool, though.

Another project I contribute a little cash too is a Video Game Museum to be opened in Las Vegas.  One of the rewards for pledging is a ticket to go once it's open.  I really hope to go next year.  We'll see.

The last is a short movie called Troll Bridge.  It's about a really old Conan the Barbarian type fighting against rock creatures.  Really crossing my fingers on this one.

I won't pretend that I'm some kind of philanthropist since I get something back if the projects go through and I get refunded if the projects don't.  Still, I like what I've seen so far, and hopefully there will be more good projects in the future.

The Tork is going to Vegas!

So pack his bags and tell the waitresses I'm looking for a wife!


(Next year.)

A Typical Broadcast Day At The Simpsons Channel

There's a rumor that there could someday be a Simpsons channel. I've taken the liberty of programming the channel to save time for those involved:

The first 9 hours will be pretty good. Hours 10-14 will be wildly inconsistent. The next 5 hours will be absolutely dreadful, and the day will finish with the rest of the programming aiming for mediocrity because that's the best they can do.

Oh...and hour 13 is nothing but a National Geographic documentary featuring clips of a man repeatedly getting raped by a panda.

New Name

Fun fact:  Women ovulate whenever I hit the "publish post" button. 

That wasn't an earthquake you felt down there

Albert Haynesworth started practicing again.

One good turn deserves another

It's still T-Dog day in Blogger land, so...Happy BirthdAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!

To Mickey

Tork's Blog is on hiatus.

For a number of reasons.  I haven't been posting much anyway and I'm worried about quite a few things lately.


I'll be back in the future but I don't know when.

I survived a bat attack.

And I have to say,  I was a total chicken about it.


No, wait... I was suppose to make it sound like I was cool about it.  Let me junk this post...

Tork takes another small step into the 21st Century.

Today I bought a new television.  It's HDTV!  It's a 32"er. 

The Wii looks great on it, and that's just a SD console.  Can't wait to see what the Wii U (or 360 or PS3) looks like on it.  Right now I can only seem to get 480i channels on it but I'll figure that out how to get 720p before football season starts.

All my contributors are invited to see it!

Gamera is really neat.

Sorry, I haven't been motivated to do much recently.  I've been really exhausted lately.  Here's a picture of the Gamera MST3k DVD set that was just released this week.   Right now it's forty dollars at Amazon.

Huh?

You know how when something gets revived, there's always someone who complains about how they ruined old thing with new thing?  That's going to be me if this movie gets made. 

Why a movie?  Why not try to make a 16 minute short and see if your guys have the chemistry the Stooges did?  You have to remember that they developed their act on vaudeville during the 20s, even skipping out on radio like most other comedians of the time.  And I have yet to see a single impersonator get Curly right.  They shave their heads, talk at a high pitch, and act like a child but they never quite get it.


At least Sony finally released all the shorts on those eight DVD sets.

No fair!

You can't bring the NFL back!  What about us Redskins fans?  You think we want to watch THAT?!?  And it looks like we'll have big competition with the Bengals for Andrew Luck.  Ugh.

On the plus side, the NFL coming back will always bug the right people, so I can't hate it.

This Week In Entertainment (7/28/11)

My Pick of the Week is some Pac-Man game for the 3DS.  I basically want it for Pac-Man Championship Edition, but its got some other games to go along with it.


In theaters this week is Cowboys vs. Aliens.  Maybe I have bad taste but I actually think I'll see this one.  Eh, it has Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig, and the trailer looked interesting.  I read somewhere that this movie was made after someone wrote a comic and shopped it around conventions. 

You know what I was just dying to see in 3D?  Not the Smurfs movie.  Why?  Why do they take the characters and put them in New York, or wherever?  Why what's-her-face?  Is she really who you want in a kids' movie?  I will say that I think Hank Azaria will steal the movie as Gargamel, and the Scottish Smurf seems like a funny idea. 

On one soiled Blu-Ray is The Blues Brothers.  Great movie.  The sequel wasn't bad but was really unnecessary. 

Also on Blu-Ray is a slideshow presentation about Leonardo DaVinci.  Remember to put this one out in the open so people think that you're so smart.

But Freddy's dead!

After all that speculation from two days ago, the final downloadable Mortal Kombat 2011 kharacter wasn't from a previous MK game, or was it from the DC license.  Nope, it comes from the Warner Bros license, since Warner Bros bought up the series after Midway went bankrupt.

Yep, Freddy.  Take that, Jason!

Jealous much?

Ten years ago, I couldn't even imagine this happening to me.  This is my proudest day of being an MST3k fan.

Oh, by the way.

I don't have a PS3 or Xbox 360, so I haven't even played the game.  I just like the follow the MK story.

We'll find out tomorrow who the final character will be.  I'm excited!

The Most Important Mystery Ever

I'm talking, of course, about who will be the fourth and final downloadable character in Mortal Kombat 2011. 

It could be lots of kombatants.  Despite the fact that the silhouette looks like a normal man, it could easily be Motaro, the only Mortal Kombat 3 kharacter not in the game. However, a centaur is a bit tough to program and motion capture.  I'm sure that's why they came up with a way to get rid of him in this reboot.  Fans weren't exactly happy with the minotaur version of him, either.

 Another option is to have one of the three bosses be playable.  That would be Goro, Kintaro, and Shao Kahn.  I'd pick Shao Kahn, simply because he's the final boss, the story is about stopping him, and Sheeva already serves as a playable four-armed warrior.

But those are probably the most obvious choices.  Let's delve deeper into the Mortal Kombat universe.  Beyond the plot of the first three games.



Quan Chi represents Mortal Kombat 4.  He is in the roboot due to the fact that he's A) Popular, B) earlier retconned as the guy responsible for Mortal Kombat 3's plot.  Now, a good guess for the mystery guy could be Shinnok, the big bad guy of the fourth game, but I'm betting they're holding off most MK4 kharacters until the sequel to this game.  Mortal Kombat 10 will presumably be about the Netherrealm invasion.

What about beyond Mortal Kombat 4?  What about Deadly Alliance, and Deception?  Well, I figured they were considered the point where the story was too complex, and the reboot was meant to get rid of them, but from what I've seen, they've only reconfirmed many plot elements from latter games.  Shao Kahn is still linked to the Dragon King.  Liu Kang was still trained by a gross fat guy.  There's still a chaotic realm.  I mean, I knew they had many characters in the back ground of a few stages, but I figured those were winking in-jokes.  (Remember that guy?  He sucks!  Hahaha, laugh at him fighting like a loser in the background!)  But a lot of story bits I've seen seems to think they kept more than they threw out.

Kenshi represents Deadly Alliance.  Which is weird because I can't remember his storyline, but I guess he was popular.  Then again, I guess it was slim pickings with that game's new characters.  My point is, that brings us to the sixth game, Deception.  Which new character from that game is in MK 2011?  None.  So why not throw in a token character from that game?  Probably none of them are any good.  I would have guessed Kira, on the basis of being a woman with red hair, but Skarlet was recently created.  Poor Kira, now she doesn't stand out anymore. 

That leaves us with two more options.  The first one is Havik.  I think he's the most popular new Deception character, plus he was mentioned in one of the endings.  But do we really want the Chaosrealm?  I guess it's OK in a bizarro-world way, but if we have the Chaosrealm, then we have to bring back the Orderrealm, and that place is lame!  The other option is, of course, SHUJINKO, the most popular Mortal Kombat kharacter OF ALL TIME!  Oh wait, he's still sitting in a Seidan jail cell.  Well, I guess the Order Realm has one good use. 

I'm honestly rooting for young Shujinko, just to laugh at the fans if he's chosen.  And he would only be chosen if the MK writers could convince themselves that, "No, he's really a good character.  The fans just have to give him another chance."

Another option would be a DC comic character.  It's not that likely after DC made the eighth game in the series rated T, but we could still end up with The Joker or Darkseid being decapitated or split in half.  Probably not going to happen, but if it did, it would be a DC villian. 

You know what I'm going to guess?  It's going to be Chameleon, because Mortal Kombat could never go wrong adding more ninjas.

Screw you, Vesta!

Yeah, I'm talking to you, 4 Vesta!  We know where all those meteorites are coming from.  Don't try to act innocent.

WHOA!

There's a wiki for Lego?  (Of course there is.)  



Man, I know what I can finally do during a vacation.

Adventures in Twitter

I found out a woman I have a crush on has a husband.  Now I'm hoping she says something morally awful so I can unfollow her without looking foolish.

How was your day?

This Week In Entertainment (7/19/11)

In theaters this week is the final movie of the Marvel six.  It's Captain America.  It takes place during World War 2 but it should set up the first Avenger movie.  Kudos to Marvel for what they succeeded in doing.  It's crazy making six movies (all with about $150 million budgets) to lead up to a couple more films.  This is an easy Pick of the Week.

On Blu-Ray is Amelie.  I've never seen this movie, but I've seen the cover many time in stores, so I assume it's about a cute French alien. 

We have two DVDs about the NBA champs, the 2011 Mavericks, and the NHL Stanley Cup winner, the 2011 Bruins. (Blu-ray)  I was rooting against the latter, but watching Canadians riot is pretty funny.

Tekken the movie is about... I don't know.  Never played the games. 

We end with The Poky Little Puppy.  Man, those Little Golden Books were my childhood. 

Holy crap! It's about time.

Three Little Spuds

Why didn't I think of this?  Now I know what's going on my birthday wish list!

Wait, why wasn't this on the news?

I don't care if it's from a video game.  To me, this really happened.




Too bad her political enemies know her weakness:  giant cages dropped from above.

Cinematic Titanic set to make more episodes.

Well it's about time.  I can't go to any of their live shows (although I might go to their upcoming D.C. show in October.)  So I've been waiting for them to release new shows since Tiki Island.  Live, not live, I'll buy either.

So today I wake up to find that they are going to film their next two episodes, "War of the Insects" and "Rattlers."  I don't know anything about these films, but knowing CT they were probably made in the seventies. 

As much as I miss the shadowrama, the live episodes have been higher quality, so I can't wait until November when they release the first of the two DVDs.

(Taking a quick look at their store, they have posters of their upcoming tours, and they offer cheaper copies of their earlier episodes, as long as you don't mind them a bit scratched up.)

This Week In Entertainment (7/12/11)

My Pick of the Week closes out the Harry Potter saga, at least until J.K does a reboot.  (Grittier!   More realistic!)  Here I include a picture of an Enemy Mine inspired poster.  Sure, why not?

Also out in theaters this week is Winnie the Pooh.  How many of the movies have they made since my childhood?  I remember they had a live action show on the Disney Channel and a cartoon on ABC Saturday mornings, as well as a few movies already made.  Winnie must be a huge money maker for Disney.

Phase 7 is ... I don't know, but it's given a quote by Bloody Disgusting, so here's your antidote to this week's kids movies.


On DVD we have Arthur.  Did they really remake a 30 year old movie?  (My entire experience with the Arthur series is scratching my head a few times at The Critic.)

Here's a collection of Buster Keaton shorts.  On Blu-Ray, too!   The latter are remastered and makes me wish I had Blu-Ray.  Maybe I'll get a player (and HD TV) by the end of the year.

"Spirit" of Bellydancing?  Don't you mean fleshiness?

Amazon also has a lot of series On Demand, or whatever their online streaming option is called.  Now you can watch Teen Wolf: The Series, in high definition!

I'm confused.

Bernie Mac made a movie about Derek Jeter before he died?   (Bernie, not Derek.  That would be odd.)

Oh hell.

Tork's Blog is taking the week off.  Go find entertainment and enlightenment elsewhere. 

"I actually drink Diet Cola for the taste."

Suckers. 

The July Music Video Challenge...

is dead.  Sorry about that.

I'll think of something to replace it, even if it takes a month to do so!

That's nice.

I'm going to show you this part of a comment.  Just skim it, and try to imagine where it's from.

Ok, ready?

The friggen sports section about a game played when I was eleven.

Isn't that something?

Gee willikers.

(I can't even find the comment that sparked this one.)


You know, I have a private joke that I say in my head whenever somebody craps a load of talking points at an area where nobody was discussing politics.

"Gee, I was all ready to go all in and vote for party A, but since I read these talking points at a random place on the Internet, I've completely changed my mind!"

This Week in Entertainment (6/28/11)

My Pick of the Week is Resident Evil: The Mercenaries 3D.  It takes a side game from Resident Evil 4 and makes you pay forty bucks for it, but meh, I heard it looked really good.


In theaters this week is Transformers 3:  Dark Side of the Moon.  Bay actually apologized over the second one, do I'm sure this will be better.  I have yet to see a Transformers movie, by the way.  Never cared for the franchise. 

Sucker Punch is the latest Hollywood flick about women kicking butt. Question:  Why is Hollywood so bad at making those kind of movies?  It seems like something that should just work, but they seem to end up lame. 


On DVD is the complete ReBoot animated series.  I've never seen it, but I'm sure Michael Bay Jr. will make a movie about it in 20 years.

On Blu-Ray is Lord of the Rings, extended versions.  I hope that these movies replace the novels, which are boring.  Nerds are dumb.  The movies should be the ultimate canon.

Presumably like the Large Hadron Collider, only bigger.

NOW IN HIGH DEFINITION:  Lord of the Dance!

Now available: the first season of Star Wars: The Clone Wars.  Any enthusiasm I may have for this series (It's being written by Not-George Lucas!  And it's kinda Star Wars, I guess.) is being tempered by the fact that I hate The Clone Wars.  And I still don't like the animation.  I'm being serious when I say it looks cheap.  You can have all the flashy glowy things but the faces on the characters still look cheap.

Finally (it's about time!) you can get all three seasons of Gilligan's Island all at once.  There would have been more, but Return to Gilligan's Island...yeah, let's not talk about that film.  The novelty of putting that show in the Relevant 70s wears off quickly.

This I actually did.

On Friday, I was at the computer and I read a fan fiction for Mortal Kombat: The Mortal Kombat reboot for not Wii owners.  (I think that's the title.)  But not just any fan fiction.  Nooo.  I read a specific fan fic which involved a teddy bear.

You see, there's this bad guy who rules a bad world named Outworld.  He has two daughters, one adopted, one created by evil sorcery.  The evil one learns about teddy bears from a sorcerer who originates from earth.   So she makes one for an undead warrior she has a crush on.

This thing was created because of this level.  It's amusing, but I'm sure it's Mortal Kombat 2011's version of "The cake is a lie!"  And now I've read someone trying to get into these character's head, over a friggen bear.


What a life I live.  Did you know that I once had dreams?  Yeesh.

If she pulls a knife, you must kill your wife.

There are rumors that OJ is going to confess to the murders in an interview with Oprah.  He's got a great angle, though.  Self-defense. 


Uh huh.





Screw you, Oprah, for getting rich off crap like this.  On that note...

Screw you, Oprah's audience, for being the inspiration for Idiocracy.

Screw you, media, for exploiting every dumb "this trial is really about race relations" angle during 1995.

Screw you, morons who see racism in everything, for being the pimple on the ass of mankind.

Screw you, FOX(?) for your attempts to give this man a sympathetic ear when he tried to sell that "If I Did It" book.



I now end this post with this youtube clip from MAD TV.

Five Friggen Hundred, Baby!

Go Curly W! 

This Week In Entertainment (6/21/11)

My Pick of the Week is this documentary about William Castle.  He was known for making horror movies in the sixties that had an audience participation gimmick.  For example, the Tingler was suppose to attach itself to people's spines, so certain seats in the theater would have a mild electric shock. 


Also out this week in theaters is Cars 2.  You know, a sequel to Pixar's weakest.  Eh, if it makes them money to make other movies, no objections here.  And Cars wasn't bad.  It was just mediocre as heck.

More like, Conan Obrien Can't Stop from getting cancelled!  (smug smile)   Note:  The writer of this post made the joke before he bothered to learn about the movie. 

You ever like an actor or actress a lot in one film, and then you never like them again?  I liked Cameron Diaz in The Mask.  Bad Teacher looks awful.  Check out the terrible quotes at the bottom of the Rotten Tomatoes page.


Did you watch Finding Nemo and liked the turtle part?  Well Turtle: The Incredible Journey is for you.


On DVD Steve McQueen stars in The Honeymoon Machine.  Geez, my generation just calls them ---- ----.

Finally, someone tells it like it is.  If only they can make more movies about every other musical genre.

The first season of the wonderfully insane Mr. T cartoon is here.

No, this isn't that play by the South Park guys.  Trapped by Mormons is a 1920s film. 

Besides that anti-Mormon film, there was a ton of DVDs from the 1920s.  So many that I just skipped them.  But here's this shorts collection. 

At least that's only a bat.




I don't watch basketball, but I'm always complaining that you can't buy sports games or watch them online.  So I support the fact that the NBA conference finals are available for purchase.  Of course, it would be nice if they sold the games in a set.  Here's game one of Bulls/Heat and game one of Mavs/Formersonics.  You'll have to find the rest.



In video games, we have Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D.  I know I probably come off as a Nintendo fanboy, but I'm sick of Ocarina of Time.  It wasn't even the best N64 Zelda.

Movie tie-in:  Cars 2 for Wii and DS.  How come the DS version has online support but the Wii doesn't?

It seems bold to me to make a race game for the console that already has a Mario Kart game.  Oh, they're Super Karts?  That'll do.

Gummy Bears Magic Medallion.  Yeah, the Wii is really starting to wind down.

Finally, I like that the icon for this game seems to be astounded by the game's goofy title.  A title that includes a question mark, no less.

Rifftrax Live: Jack the Giant Killer

I'm four for four at attending Rifftrax Live Shows.  Let's hope I make it an even five this August.


(Yes, five isn't an even number.  I like to toss in obvious mistakes to tick people off.  Also to make my real mistakes look like fake ones.)

Is Futurama ripping off Tales From The Duh?

There's anepisode this season called "Mobius Dick"

Finally! Maybe Bender can take down that dastardly PM!

Behave, American CFL fans.

Look at their slogan.  It's their league.  Not yours.

Canadian Football is back!

CFL preseason started this week.  It's about time.  I needed some football after hockey let me down again.  (Oh, and I guess there was basketball or something.)

I don't really have a CFL team.   I guess I'll pick a team in my time zone.  I'm thinking Ottawa Roughriders when that team comes into being.  I mean, it's the capital of the country, and it's new for people just jumping into the sport.  But for now, I guess I'll go for the Montreal Alouettes.  Dumb name, but the poor franchise was dumped by Baltimore after it stole the Browns.  Stupid arrogant Baltimore.

Of course, the CFL is really just a warm up for an American football league.  You know the one I'm talking about.  That's right!

Go Virginia Destroyers!

Mega Man 5

Nintendo releases games to the Virtual Console for the first time on a Thursday.  Baby steps, Nintendo.  Maybe we'll make an Xbox Live out of your online services yet.

500 Wii points.

OK, are we done yet?

All four of the major Boston sports franchises have won championships in the last decade.  Can we please move on?  I've heard there are places like Cleveland and Buffalo that have long droughts.

Speaking personally, the Caps have wasted two straight top playoff seeds and Esa Tikkanen missing an open net still hurts.  Washington hasn't won a World Series since 1924.   The Redskins have won Super Bowls in my life time, but Dan Snyder.  (Oh, and I guess we have a basketball team.)

But I'm not going to whine. I'm going to build a time machine and kill all the Boston writers who got rich off whining about Game 6 of the 1986 World Series. 

A Correction

Long time contributer, coblogger, soupeater Mickey told me that Celebrity Bowling is not a bad show, like I implied in the last post.


I apologize for finally getting something wrong in four years of keeping a blog.  Hopefully this isn't a sign that I've lost it.

This Week in Entertainment (6/14/11)

My Pick of the Week is the sequel to Wii Play.  It's Wii Play: Motion!  It's fifty dollars, and for that you get a Wii Motion Plus controller and a ten dollar game.  Eh, worth it if you ask me.


Also out this week in theaters is Green Lantern.  This movie didn't exactly look good, and the lack of reviews at Rotten Tomatoes isn't filling me with confidence.  Look at this sneakiness:

Way to make it look like the early buzz is good, guys.

Mr Poppler's Penguin is a Jim Carrey movie.  Too bad it isn't the 90s anymore.


On DVD is an all-time bad movie classic, Johnny Mnemonic, in blu-ray!  Watch this film and marvel at the fact that they even dared to make The Matrix after this one.

I guess Circus of the Stars wasn't enough, so there was also Celebrity Bowling.  TV in the seventies wasn't very good.

Hellraiser 7:  Not a good subtitle.


On the 3DS is Cubic Ninja.  I'm a sucker for graphics like these.

Stupid twitter

I created my twitter thing a month ago.  I've watched it get up to 6 whole followers!  Now it's down to one.  And I feel bad.  I even gave money to the last follower too.  (For good reasons, not because I'm sad and lonely, but still!)

I hate you, social media. 

Question

So this morning I went to ESPN to see the highlights of Game Five of the NBA finals.  I clicked the front page video link, and all I got was Michael Wilbon gushing over how awesomely awesome the series has been.  Not a single highlight.  I've already seen the video played in four different links.

The question is:  WHY THE HELL DO I STILL GO TO ESPN.com?  WHY?!  ESPN is everything wrong with sports and yet I keep going back to it.

Rumors of the Bruins defeat were greatly exagerated.

I thought the finals were already over after the Canucks won that overtime game.  Now it's a best of three series after the Bruins scored 12 goals in two games.  Oh well.


Not the boldest of predictions, but whoever wins game 5 will win it all.  In fact, there won't be a game 7 if the Bruins win a third straight game. 



Also I guess the NBA finals are also tied 2-2.  Eh, I haven't followed the sport since Jordan re-threepeated, so I guess I'm marginally hoping for the Heat to lose, even if it makes Dallas happy.  Stupid basketball.

Nintendo E3 2011

Looks familiar.

Hope it isn't heavy.

Oh, hecks yeah!

Those are the three best images to sum up this years Nintendo conference.


It started with a full Zelda orchestra.  Why?  Because Zelda Zelda Zelda, that's why!  Head Nintendo dork Miyamoto got up on stage to talk about Skyward Sword for the Wii.  We didn't get much new but that's OK.  We got the idea last year.  That game is coming out during the holiday rush.  We also got news about Zelda Ocarina of Time, Zelda Link's Awakening, and free Zelda: Four Swords for Nintendo's portables, but I wanted the show to move on.  I've played those games and frankly I'm starting to get ZeldaD-out.  (If you're new to Zelda, I'd recommend Link's Awakening for six bucks but you'd have to buy a 3DS first.)

That was the first 20 minutes.  Next up was a look at some 3DS games.  The 3DS has had a slow start so it needs some games to show off.  The ones shown were Mario Kart, Star Fox, Super Mario 3DS, and probably my favorite moment of the conference, Luigi's Mansion 2.  That is worth a purchase of that system by itself.

Blah blah blah, talk about 3DS.  I understand that they need to talk that portable up, but I think most people were itching to hear about the high definition Project Cafe.

So we got to the big moment.  So it turns out that the system name is Wii U.  Yep, "Wii U".  Than they showed off the controller.  It is a combination of a GameCube controller and a iPad.  I hope they're light, because it looks awkward.  It's going to be the biggest thing Nintendo has to sell to the public, because I'm sure everybody reacted skeptically to it.  Anyway, they showed off how it can be used to play games without the TV on it's six inch screen.   My favorite demo was the one that showed the tablet being used for golf.  It's not huge, but it was a neat idea showing the golf ball while swinging a Wii remote at it.  It also has a face-to-face chat feature.

After talking up the Wii U controller, we got a video of developers talking about how awesome they thought the console was.  I sure hope they're not lying.  Nintendo badly needs third party support.  We did get some news by an Electronic Arts guy that they are going to bring Nintendo's online support into the current century.  They showed a couple games, the best being Ninja Gaiden 3.  They didn't show any Nintendo Wii U games, but we'll see them at E3 2012 for sure.  (They mentioned Super Smash Bros for both 3DS and Wii U.)

Here's what we don't know about the Wii U after the show:  Wii U specs, specifics about their online service, what games we're going to see, what the friggen price is going to be for the controller and system, whether the system will have a Mario game to launch, and so forth.  But hey, we'll have a Super Mario Mii, which I was hoping for.  (It better have online.)


After the show, some nerds argued that Nintendo sucked and was forcing another gimmick on the industry.  Oh, nerds!

The Periodic Table welcomes two more!

Flerovium (atomic number 114) and moscovium (atomic number 116), welcome to the club!


(Actually, those appear to be temporary names.  Eh, they're temporary elements.)

This Week in Entertainment (6/7/11)

It's E3 week!  But that doesn't mean nothing gets released this week.  Today I'm picking the collection of Superman movies in blu-ray as my Pick of the Week.  We're talking about HD versions of a series that went from highs, to lows, to "that's it?!"


Also out this week in theaters is Super 8.  I've forgotten the trailer already but it's got J.J. Abrams with Steven Spielberg.  That's not a bad combo, right?

I assume it's based on a series of childrens' books, but "Judy Moody"?  Really?  Also, look at Heather Graham in that poster.  Tell me who this is being marketed to.

No, TrollHunter is not about people being angry at the Internet.  It's about people looking for rock creatures.


On DVD (and blu-ray) is a cartoon tie-in.   This one is for the Green Lantern.

This seems to be real.  The Big C is a show about cancer.  Did I mention that it seems to be a comedy?  What the hell?

If a show about teenagers doesn't have an episode where a teen lies on his bed all day with their head propped up on a pillow while playing video games, than I just won't understand what the show is talking about.

Do you have a blu-ray player and a 3D television?  Have some sharks, and if that's not enough take these whales and dolphins.


In the world of video games, we have some terrible tie-in games.  Yep, there is a Green Lantern movie coming out that will probably also be terrible.


Tonight 3DS owners can download Excitebike 3D for free.  In a month it'll be five bucks.

They can also download a Pokedex 3D for all the monsters from the latest poke games.  Which sucks because I haven't followed the series since Red.  Supposedly you can get monsters through Street Pass.

Thank you, Mickey.

For leading into our next post.  E3 is coming up, and you know what kinds of games will be announced there?  Not Mother 3.  That's for sure!

Tork's Blog is your Official place for Nintendo E3 news.  Take my word for it.  I'll be watching it on Tuesday, at noon.


But seriously, Mother 3 is never going to be released in North America, so download a rom and hope you don't get busted for piracy.

Another childhood nightmare brought to you by Mother

This is a Chimera. You run into all kinds of these dudes in Mother 3:





This is the Ultimate Chimera. He's a Godless killing machine who's supposed to scare the crap out of you, but he just ends up being adorable. Look at him! <3 <3 <3




You know who else is a horrifying abomination in the face of God and science?





The Wuzzles.

That's right kids....every time you kill a chimera in Mother 3, you're killing the Wuzzles. And the Gummi Bears. And Huey, Dewey, and Louie. And Darkwing Duck. And Talespin.....well they deserved it....who in the holy hell thought "It's Jungle Book....but they're in Planes for some reason" was a good idea?

If the Chimeras were Woozles instead of Wuzzles, I'd understand. Those Woozles are bad news.

You ever go to work...

wearing pants that are two inches too much?  I did today!  Sure was fun thinking of ways to hold my pants up.  I went with sticking my hands in my pockets.  It was like being a teen again.


 I need a "Is an dummy" label.

That's great.

The post you see underneath this one?  I had it done on Monday.  I thought it was already up.



Blogging is hard, dude.

This Week In Entertainment (5/30/11)

X-Men: First Class

My Pick of the Week is the newest X-Men movie.  The last two has admittedly left me underwhelmed, and prequel is a dirty word to fans nowadays, but what the heck.  It's got Emma Frost for nerds to drool over.

What does it say about Chicago if the Cubs are its heart and soul?  (Gotta love that it's Blu-Ray.  100+ years of futility, in 1080p!)

I clicked this link thinking:  Isn't "classic" the wrong word for dinosaurs?

Genius proven by art cover.

New Morals for Old (1932):  The date and title just scream:  We got to get this done before the Hays Codes take effect!

This DVD teaches you how to direct movies.  Making a movie is on my bucket list, among the many many hobbies I'll pick up for the week and get bored of quickly.  I wonder if they have any pointers on directing a film with a Flip Video Camera.


In theaters is Turkey Bowl.  If they don't get John Madden to do the commentary...Also, why don't Madden games have a turkey football mode? 

Putt Putt Syndrome is a movie about how you forfeit on that one damn hole where you have to go up a hill.  I hate those holes!

On the DS, this collection will remind players why people got excited about Duke Nukem Forever long before it became a punchline.

Sorry, my account was hacked earlier.

But rest assure, I won't tell the authorities about it at all.  Yep, not a soul.

Go Bruins!

Hey everybody, let's all root for Mickey's team, the Boston Bruins.



If they don't win, he'll beat me up.

I've changed my mind.

Now I hope the Bruins take two of their next three games so it makes the Caps look even worst for losing to a team that wasn't good enough to make the finals.


And now Mickey is going to kill me for jinxing his team.

This Week in Entertainment (5/23/11)

My Pick of the Week is The Great Dictator, by Charlie Chaplin. This was the first full length film to criticize Hitler (at least in America. The Hays Codes prevented people from making overtly political films.) I think I read somewhere that it may have inspired the Three Stooges to make You Natzy Spy! Here's a clip of the globe scene.


Also out this week is a DVD of that wedding that happened recently. Hey, it's five bucks for women wearing goofy hats.

For 80 bucks you can own the complete Kids in the Hall series. I have Season One thanks to a friend, but I only watched half of it because I'm a jerk. I'll finish it someday!

I like Jon Lovitz from The Critic and The Simpsons but I don't think I've seen him in anything else, except High School High. I'm not sure how I would react to this comedy club featuring him. I do know that Showtime isn't really my thing. Showtime is like a lazier HBO.

Gnomeo and Juliet is about... look, I bet they just came up with the title and then slapped "generic 3d animated film" onto it. Prove me wrong and I will give you a credit at Tork's Blog.


In theaters is Kung Fu Panda 2. I haven't seen the first one because, you know, Dreamworks. By the way, nice poster. Way to ignore the Dreamworks face criticism.

I once saw an experiment where a teacher split her students up and made them ostracize each other based on eye color. The Wave kind of sounds like that, although I don't know how you make a feature length film about that kind of thing.

On Blu-Ray are a couple Civil War movies: Gettysburg, and Gods and Generals. Nothing against Civil War enthusiasts, because it really is a fascinating part of America's history, but it's also safe. It's easier to argue about things from the distant past because it's not a threat to the present.

A couple of Jackie Chan films: Operation Condor and Twin Dragons.



On the 3DS is Dead or Alive: Dimensions. Because breasts.

I don't know what 99Bullets is about, but I'm a sucker for anything that has a "retro look". 500 Nintendo Points.

I have an app on iTunes.

But to keep my identity safe, I'm not providing a link. Yes, I know it's lame that you to take my word for it.

It's for a University so it wasn't really an app for the rest of the world.

San Francisco banning things

Or, something being done to those things. It's on the ballot and it's for infants.

I'm curious if this kind of thing will create a new minority. And which side I would be on. I need to know whether or not I can shout "Oppression!"

And I will only vote for people* based on whether there amount of down there skin matches mine. Because that's what identity politics is about.

* - Unless it's a woman running, I guess. See, women have it so easy...

Pro hockey in a nutshell.

Last night I caught the end of the second period of the Vancouver Canucks/San Jose Sharks Semifinals game 2. Towards the end of the period, after the Sharks just gave up a goal thanks to terrible defense to make it 3-2, some guy on the Sharks started a fight. During intermission, one of the analyst went on and on about how this could be the turning point for the Sharks (who were already down a game in a best of seven series.) Supposedly, that player doesn't fight much so that could have been used to rally his team. It was late so I went to bed.


Final score of the game? Vancouver: seven. San Jose: three.


But look at that one guy fight!

YABBA...DABBA...REMEMBER THE EIGHTIES!?

The worst part of the Seth MacFarlane reboot (on FOX in 2013)? A Flintstones reboot/upgrade isn't a bad idea.

The Flintstones isn't a bad show, obviously, but it suffers from the fact that it was the only real hit animated prime time show until the nineties. Before the Simpsons, people thought of animated prime time shows as copies of an old (great) sitcoms. By itself The Flintstones was fine but compared to classic Simpsons it comes off as antiquated. Maybe an updated Flintstones will be faster paced and embrace new gags. And maybe modern writers will go easy on the "rock" and "stone" gags.

I just wish the project was headed by anybody but this guy. Oh well, I'll try to watch one episode and then make a decision. I do want to see a gag about Homer Fred and Barney smoking while the wives do chores.

Hey, it's cool now.

That must be worth a fortune!

I just found 14 trillion dollar bills under my mattress. America's debt problems are solved*!

I don't demand anything for my generous donations. I just love the country. However, if someone wouldn't mind checking off this long list of special requests...






* - For like a year.